I posted on a page today, the end,
I do think that it is the end of
his midlife my crisis
chat about mymidlifemariapart2.blogspot.com soon.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
I do feel as I read back the last few posts,
I am coming to the end of his midlife my crisis,
I have got so much from these posts,
they straightened the dramas out in my head,
and sometimes, I laughed at them, sometimes, I cried,
often I read and reread what I had written, but never regretted
what I had written, even though sometimes I probably gave way to
much detail of the unfolding sagas.
As for him Gerry, I hope for our childrens sake, we make it easy on them,
as for whore, Marina Profenna, german bitch,
I will never ever get over what she took from me,
and may she pray we never meet,
I pray we never meet,
because through all this,
lies the fact that she knew he was married with children,
and she didnt care, and all my pain and anger is wrapped up into a ball of agony
because of whore, and as you can probably see from all of this,
I'm just not the forgiving type.
I'm thinking of what will be next for me, and I dont for the life of me know,
but, I reckon, I will continue blogging, but change the title to just
My Midlife, or something like that, I'm deciding what to do about that over
the next few days, but I think I can tag it from this blog,
because no doubt, they will be still part of my story,
like a great blockbuster,
Maria part two.
What a laugh.
Bye for now.
M.
I am coming to the end of his midlife my crisis,
I have got so much from these posts,
they straightened the dramas out in my head,
and sometimes, I laughed at them, sometimes, I cried,
often I read and reread what I had written, but never regretted
what I had written, even though sometimes I probably gave way to
much detail of the unfolding sagas.
As for him Gerry, I hope for our childrens sake, we make it easy on them,
as for whore, Marina Profenna, german bitch,
I will never ever get over what she took from me,
and may she pray we never meet,
I pray we never meet,
because through all this,
lies the fact that she knew he was married with children,
and she didnt care, and all my pain and anger is wrapped up into a ball of agony
because of whore, and as you can probably see from all of this,
I'm just not the forgiving type.
I'm thinking of what will be next for me, and I dont for the life of me know,
but, I reckon, I will continue blogging, but change the title to just
My Midlife, or something like that, I'm deciding what to do about that over
the next few days, but I think I can tag it from this blog,
because no doubt, they will be still part of my story,
like a great blockbuster,
Maria part two.
What a laugh.
Bye for now.
M.
I havent seen or heard from him since christmas eve,
I dont think that has been a bad thing, As hard as it was,
I survived it and resisted the urge to text him,
and he returned the favour.
I think this is were we have to be at now,
there is no more us anymore, and it is only prolonging
the agony to keep these text, talks whatever going on.
I suppose it will have to be only about the kids now,
their wants and their needs, I hope he pays what he agreed
every month and we just get on with our individual lives.
I am very sad about the whole thing, but I guess neither of us
want to go back, him because he was unhappy, and me because he made
me unhappier than I ever thought was possible.
I still have so many regrets, and they are mostly his actions, and his
decisions, that I regret, because, I think if he had let me understand where he
was at, before he cheated on me with whore,
I would have tried harder, maybe even changed,
although, I'm still not agreeing it was me who needed to change,
but I understand that he was not happy with who I was now,
but without ever giving me the opportunity to resolve
his problems with me, and how he felt I was disregarding him,
without this opportunity,
how could I have known?
how could I have seen, this hole that he was digging
for our life together, to be buried in.
I feel now that this is what is, for us, a difficult life,
we have a connection with our three children which means there
will always be an us with them, for them, its just hard to grasp
that there will no more be an us, for us, I know that there hasn't been
an us for him, well internally for the most part to him for a long time,
I guess its me really that has the hardest time with the separation, because
I was still in the relationship, I was the happy married woman, (the fool)
I have been a fool, is it because he fooled me, or I fooled myself,
I dont know,
I guess it depends who you ask,
him or me.
To him I was fooling myself,
I didnt want to see the signs.
To me he fooled me,
he deliberately hid those signs from me,
his secret phone, was exactly that a secret,
his affair also was a secret.
When he went there, he came home with presents,
he kissed me and held me, and we did talk about future plans,
he told me he missed me and the kids,
to me there where no signs.
But I do see now, who I see, now that I dont know,
this man is a stranger to me, he is mean and selfish,
self centered and arrogant, and none of this I recognise as the
man I knew and loved and I don't even like this man.
I suppose I am lamenting someone that is no longer there, maybe it
was the years of pretence and lies, that has made him into who he now is,
or maybe he was always that man, and the years of pretence where the ones
before the affair, not now, who knows, who cares, its all irrelevant now anyway,
I just need to get on with my life, whatever it brings, without him.
thats how it is, thats where I am at.
New day, New dawn, Roll on New year.
M
I dont think that has been a bad thing, As hard as it was,
I survived it and resisted the urge to text him,
and he returned the favour.
I think this is were we have to be at now,
there is no more us anymore, and it is only prolonging
the agony to keep these text, talks whatever going on.
I suppose it will have to be only about the kids now,
their wants and their needs, I hope he pays what he agreed
every month and we just get on with our individual lives.
I am very sad about the whole thing, but I guess neither of us
want to go back, him because he was unhappy, and me because he made
me unhappier than I ever thought was possible.
I still have so many regrets, and they are mostly his actions, and his
decisions, that I regret, because, I think if he had let me understand where he
was at, before he cheated on me with whore,
I would have tried harder, maybe even changed,
although, I'm still not agreeing it was me who needed to change,
but I understand that he was not happy with who I was now,
but without ever giving me the opportunity to resolve
his problems with me, and how he felt I was disregarding him,
without this opportunity,
how could I have known?
how could I have seen, this hole that he was digging
for our life together, to be buried in.
I feel now that this is what is, for us, a difficult life,
we have a connection with our three children which means there
will always be an us with them, for them, its just hard to grasp
that there will no more be an us, for us, I know that there hasn't been
an us for him, well internally for the most part to him for a long time,
I guess its me really that has the hardest time with the separation, because
I was still in the relationship, I was the happy married woman, (the fool)
I have been a fool, is it because he fooled me, or I fooled myself,
I dont know,
I guess it depends who you ask,
him or me.
To him I was fooling myself,
I didnt want to see the signs.
To me he fooled me,
he deliberately hid those signs from me,
his secret phone, was exactly that a secret,
his affair also was a secret.
When he went there, he came home with presents,
he kissed me and held me, and we did talk about future plans,
he told me he missed me and the kids,
to me there where no signs.
But I do see now, who I see, now that I dont know,
this man is a stranger to me, he is mean and selfish,
self centered and arrogant, and none of this I recognise as the
man I knew and loved and I don't even like this man.
I suppose I am lamenting someone that is no longer there, maybe it
was the years of pretence and lies, that has made him into who he now is,
or maybe he was always that man, and the years of pretence where the ones
before the affair, not now, who knows, who cares, its all irrelevant now anyway,
I just need to get on with my life, whatever it brings, without him.
thats how it is, thats where I am at.
New day, New dawn, Roll on New year.
M
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Yesterday, was thank god a lovely day,
it went better than I thought,
we all worked hard and made sure it did,
the kids were on best behaviour at dinner, no bitching,
with each other, and there was 5 of them all around the same age,
so the risk was there. but ho ho they did it.
Christmas morning was lovely, we four got up together,
and went down to open their santa presents, this year I had wrapped
them all up before putting them in their sacks as I suspected a large amount
of snooping was going on.
They were all delighted, with what they got, surprises and all,
then the table was turned and my son arrived down with my present,
they had bunched he said and it was one pressie from them all, and they hoped
I liked it. It looked like a makeup box, so I opened it and holy god, they had
surpassed me, in the box was a netbook, I couldnt believe they had spent all that
money on me, Yeah yeah, I did cry but I was so delighted and excited they took my
breath away, anytime I have blogged or used the internet, I have had to use one of their
laptops, and they knew it would blow me away, and it did.
Then my best sister and the gang came and we had a great dinner, and a great time
and we had a great day. He was missed, but it was not a horrible time, and it proves that,
good times will come for us without him.
Normal will just be a different normal, family will just be different
I thank the lord for the fabulous gifts I have in my life,
my three beautiful children,
My fabulous sister and her family
my lovely parents and siblings,
my health,
my life.
Merry christmas and
Happy new year. M
it went better than I thought,
we all worked hard and made sure it did,
the kids were on best behaviour at dinner, no bitching,
with each other, and there was 5 of them all around the same age,
so the risk was there. but ho ho they did it.
Christmas morning was lovely, we four got up together,
and went down to open their santa presents, this year I had wrapped
them all up before putting them in their sacks as I suspected a large amount
of snooping was going on.
They were all delighted, with what they got, surprises and all,
then the table was turned and my son arrived down with my present,
they had bunched he said and it was one pressie from them all, and they hoped
I liked it. It looked like a makeup box, so I opened it and holy god, they had
surpassed me, in the box was a netbook, I couldnt believe they had spent all that
money on me, Yeah yeah, I did cry but I was so delighted and excited they took my
breath away, anytime I have blogged or used the internet, I have had to use one of their
laptops, and they knew it would blow me away, and it did.
Then my best sister and the gang came and we had a great dinner, and a great time
and we had a great day. He was missed, but it was not a horrible time, and it proves that,
good times will come for us without him.
Normal will just be a different normal, family will just be different
I thank the lord for the fabulous gifts I have in my life,
my three beautiful children,
My fabulous sister and her family
my lovely parents and siblings,
my health,
my life.
Merry christmas and
Happy new year. M
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Its christmas eve, well its like 12.45am christmas day, to me its nighttime
I was working for the first half of the day,
and the deal was he had them for the day,
he was giving them their christmas gifts or
as we called it his santa,
Yeah yeah they are to big for santa, but hey
I wouldnt mind a bit of santa myself, so how can they
be to old.
They arrived back here at six, he came in, I offered
him coffee, he accepted and we were polite, I asked him
why they were back so early, he said we had nowhere to go,
His rent on the house was finished and he wasnt staying in the new place til he
gets back from whore valley in Jan, he was crashing at a mates house,
so they came here,
I said nothing, but jesus how hard was that, he was there
at the kitchen table on christmas eve,
I was preparing the dinner for tomorrow,
and it was something he always did, and he was there,
looking at me, I dont know whether he was punishing me punishing him,
or just oblivious to the hurt and pain, the overwhelming sense of loss, that
befell me.
I got the girls to go into the sitting room, put on a film on the big
tv and sit in comfort,with him, it meant I could close the door, on them, and pretend
I was still home alone, just getting ready for tomorrow,
after awhile, I went upstairs to lie down, I was tired,
I hadnt slept well, and I was working the three days, but I
didnt want to be like a drama queen, if you know what I mean,
so after about half an hour,
I went back down and tided more,
I had spoke to my best sister on the phone, she was horrified he had come in,
thought he was cruel, but to be honest,
I dont think he even thought of my feelings at the time,
he just brought them home, probably knowing that
it was were they should be on christmas eve,
were we all should be, but as I've already said, that was the past.
He stayed until nine, the film was over, and he went,
I do know he was affected by it,
I saw it in him, I think he saw I was affected also, but
what do I really know about him or his feelings anymore.
I am saddened by the whole thing, but I am back in survival mode,
this is the result of the choices he made, the choices I've made,
and whilst it is important to acknowledge the pain and hurt I'm in,
its important to acknowledge that it is how it is now, but will probably
not always be so, the human condition is to adapt to ones surroundings and
adjust, accept, and grow strong enough to do more than just survive, to move on,
I guess that will be my next step, grow stronger, move on.
The snow is still out, and I am still loving it, I just see the beauty of
it, I never knew that I would love looking at it, but I do, I still wouldnt fancy
a skiing holiday, but its great to have a white christmas, fresh and new, each day.
Thats what I'm going for fresh and new.
New dawn, new day, new life.
Merry Christmas.
I was working for the first half of the day,
and the deal was he had them for the day,
he was giving them their christmas gifts or
as we called it his santa,
Yeah yeah they are to big for santa, but hey
I wouldnt mind a bit of santa myself, so how can they
be to old.
They arrived back here at six, he came in, I offered
him coffee, he accepted and we were polite, I asked him
why they were back so early, he said we had nowhere to go,
His rent on the house was finished and he wasnt staying in the new place til he
gets back from whore valley in Jan, he was crashing at a mates house,
so they came here,
I said nothing, but jesus how hard was that, he was there
at the kitchen table on christmas eve,
I was preparing the dinner for tomorrow,
and it was something he always did, and he was there,
looking at me, I dont know whether he was punishing me punishing him,
or just oblivious to the hurt and pain, the overwhelming sense of loss, that
befell me.
I got the girls to go into the sitting room, put on a film on the big
tv and sit in comfort,with him, it meant I could close the door, on them, and pretend
I was still home alone, just getting ready for tomorrow,
after awhile, I went upstairs to lie down, I was tired,
I hadnt slept well, and I was working the three days, but I
didnt want to be like a drama queen, if you know what I mean,
so after about half an hour,
I went back down and tided more,
I had spoke to my best sister on the phone, she was horrified he had come in,
thought he was cruel, but to be honest,
I dont think he even thought of my feelings at the time,
he just brought them home, probably knowing that
it was were they should be on christmas eve,
were we all should be, but as I've already said, that was the past.
He stayed until nine, the film was over, and he went,
I do know he was affected by it,
I saw it in him, I think he saw I was affected also, but
what do I really know about him or his feelings anymore.
I am saddened by the whole thing, but I am back in survival mode,
this is the result of the choices he made, the choices I've made,
and whilst it is important to acknowledge the pain and hurt I'm in,
its important to acknowledge that it is how it is now, but will probably
not always be so, the human condition is to adapt to ones surroundings and
adjust, accept, and grow strong enough to do more than just survive, to move on,
I guess that will be my next step, grow stronger, move on.
The snow is still out, and I am still loving it, I just see the beauty of
it, I never knew that I would love looking at it, but I do, I still wouldnt fancy
a skiing holiday, but its great to have a white christmas, fresh and new, each day.
Thats what I'm going for fresh and new.
New dawn, new day, new life.
Merry Christmas.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
The gift is got, and I am delighted for her,
he is delighted for her as well, I am relieved that
she will get what she asked for, its going to be hard enough.
That night I get more texts, the problem is that he seems
to think that I am willing to listen and understand,
how miserable he feels, that he is lonely and sad,
and struggling with how his life is
at the moment.
I am caught up with the hyprocsy of all this,
because as soon as I see these texts,
I want to scream at him
ITS ALL YOUR FAULT.
This time I resisted, I just told him that
"I'm sorry to but sorry for me, you took away the chance
to talk from me,
Ring whore she is the one you chose not me"
I also gave him the name of two of his friends
that he had been close to when we were together to ring,
I'm not sure whether they still talk or not,
his reply was he was sorry for all this,
he was going now, goodnight.
I just replied "goodnight"
because I'm wore out with the whole lot of it,
and Christmas, as much as I love christmas,
its coming and he is not part of it for me anymore,
and its so not the way it should be,
but its so the way it is.
he is delighted for her as well, I am relieved that
she will get what she asked for, its going to be hard enough.
That night I get more texts, the problem is that he seems
to think that I am willing to listen and understand,
how miserable he feels, that he is lonely and sad,
and struggling with how his life is
at the moment.
I am caught up with the hyprocsy of all this,
because as soon as I see these texts,
I want to scream at him
ITS ALL YOUR FAULT.
This time I resisted, I just told him that
"I'm sorry to but sorry for me, you took away the chance
to talk from me,
Ring whore she is the one you chose not me"
I also gave him the name of two of his friends
that he had been close to when we were together to ring,
I'm not sure whether they still talk or not,
his reply was he was sorry for all this,
he was going now, goodnight.
I just replied "goodnight"
because I'm wore out with the whole lot of it,
and Christmas, as much as I love christmas,
its coming and he is not part of it for me anymore,
and its so not the way it should be,
but its so the way it is.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
The next day, the new best friend texts started,
I cannot understand, how or why he thinks that after
having been in bits on the phone to him, he seems to
believe we are in communication friendly mode.
The first texts where about him going shopping, and that
he had difficultly getting our eldest daughters christmas gift that
she had told him to get for her. Now that megga peed me off, the first gift she had asked for and he said he would get, I had to get because he now has no credit card to purchase online, and this could have only been got online.
So I switched a gift I was supposed to get for the online one, got that,and
now here we were a weekend before christmas and he still hadnt got the computer game she was looking for.
Would I look out for it when I was in the shopping center today and let him know. I said I would if I got a chance but the girls where coming with me. I wanted to say, feck off and look yourself, but that might mean she didnt get what she had asked for, and that wasn't what I wanted to happen for this christmas, no way.
I got to the center and had a look in the gamestore and they had it, I asked my daughter which one was she looking for to make sure it was the right one, she showed me, and when they wandered off, I asked the assistant to stash it behind the counter and it would be picked up today.
I rang him and told him it was there, and he said he would come and get it.
The truth is there was no way, I was buying it for him, he was already complaining about being short, and when I asked me what to get our son, and I said dunno maybe money will do, he said no I dont have much money I dont want to give cash.
HobloodyHo.
I cannot understand, how or why he thinks that after
having been in bits on the phone to him, he seems to
believe we are in communication friendly mode.
The first texts where about him going shopping, and that
he had difficultly getting our eldest daughters christmas gift that
she had told him to get for her. Now that megga peed me off, the first gift she had asked for and he said he would get, I had to get because he now has no credit card to purchase online, and this could have only been got online.
So I switched a gift I was supposed to get for the online one, got that,and
now here we were a weekend before christmas and he still hadnt got the computer game she was looking for.
Would I look out for it when I was in the shopping center today and let him know. I said I would if I got a chance but the girls where coming with me. I wanted to say, feck off and look yourself, but that might mean she didnt get what she had asked for, and that wasn't what I wanted to happen for this christmas, no way.
I got to the center and had a look in the gamestore and they had it, I asked my daughter which one was she looking for to make sure it was the right one, she showed me, and when they wandered off, I asked the assistant to stash it behind the counter and it would be picked up today.
I rang him and told him it was there, and he said he would come and get it.
The truth is there was no way, I was buying it for him, he was already complaining about being short, and when I asked me what to get our son, and I said dunno maybe money will do, he said no I dont have much money I dont want to give cash.
HobloodyHo.
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