One interesting thing a caring friend :)
said to me, be careful, you might seem like you are going off men.
The truth is I am, soooooo off men,
except for my dad and my son of course.

Whilst I am off men, I do appreciate the visual qualities of a good looking man,
George Clooney, mmmm
Sean Bean, mmm
Gavin Henson mhmhmm

None of these are ever likely to mosey over my way,
I did meet a gorgeous man on my jury duty, way out of my league, but a definite mmmmmmhmmm and Im sure I will meet and love again,just not until I have got over the man I loved and lost boohoo.

I am in a strange mood, sorry, lots of poopoo in my life today.

I was working, it was snowing, and the kids were going
to spend the day with him, for the first time in almost 2 weeks,
are they complaints, well maybe the snowing and the working bit,
well maybe the snowing bit, because I need to be working to pay the bills, well maybe not the snowing bit, because when I got up at 6am, and looked out my window the world looked beautiful and pure, so that has to be a good thing doesnt it.

Anyway, I'm working and I get an email from him, I had texted him the night before because I heard from my son, that his nanny, was not well and G was bringing her to the hospital, I said I hoped she was ok, now I may have mentioned before that we never got on, so its not that we have a good relationship but I dont wish any ill to her.

He says she is fine, and I say thanks for the update.

Half an hour later he emails that his car wont, start
and he cant pick up the girls, now I know just by the tone of his email, that he is geniunely upset that he wont be spending this day with them, the bitch in me says it is because he is not with whore,
but the mam in me says they need to spend this time with him,
because every day that has passed since he came back has increased their anger and annoyance with him.
Why didnt he come and bring them to school a
couple of the mornings during the week,
after he got back, he should have,
I suppose I should have suggested it to him,
but why cant he think of that himself, because of course he is a stupid man.
We have already established that havent we!

So I took a long lunch, unofficially
it was two breaks rolled into one, but it was grand we were quiet, noone was out its too cold and too snowy, so I nipped home and dropped them to him, first time I'd been outside his house, nice neighbourhood.
It was also the first time, I realised he had a home phone, so I had a bit on snot on me,(meaning I was annoyed) because I had often had trouble getting him to hear his phone in the mornings and once it took me an hour to get him to wake the hell up, when our son was sick and needed to be brought home from college when I was working, anyway, I got his home number from him, he said it never occurred to him, surprise surprise.

I'm in poor me mode I think, or if not poor me,
megga bitch, yep I think that might be it.

Mostly my weekend was okay, I had the good day on thursday with my mate, and then the evening with my sister, so it was actually a day off for me, I didnt spend much time with mam and dad either so it was different than it has been for me for a very long time.

I love my parents, so much and want to be there for them, but I think my brain knew it needed so time for itself, myself, I guess, even as I write this I feel selfish and I know Im not, but I worry about them so much, especially dad, who is struggling with his own illness and then struggling with mam's also, she wavers in and out of the present, and is very contrary most of the time, when she has a difficult day, we all have a difficult day, especially dad.

Saturday, dawned bitterly cold, with frost on the ground, I hate the cold, it just chills me to my core, I have been know to say it would freeze the tits of a mermaid! Crude I know but its because If I can feel the cold right there what the heck does the poor mermaid feel. haha

I didnt do much on Saturday just two hours of ironing in the morning, and then I spent three hours on the phone chatting to a new friend, who can talk just as good, maybe even better than me, it was good for me, I like her mind, it is very similar to mine, and I recognised ideas and opinions she had like my own. Thanks for that my dear.

The kids where like who are you talking too?, and what can you talk to someone that long about, so I did the old trick that mam used to use to us as kids, and tapped the lenght of my beak. NOSEY NOSEY.
They were so not impressed, but it was a laugh.

My oldest is making a christmas cake this year, her first ever, and I'm helping, well Help is what I should be saying, culinary skills are not my forte. Anyway we are trying, I suggested she make him one also, and it is supposed to be a easy cake to make, a fruit porter cake, so we shall see, I do so hope it goes well for her, she is a lovely lovely girl, and is struggling with our new way of life, well we all are, but she is so quiet, anway, Im not going into the misery today, lets hope the cake is good, and if not we ll try again, plenty of time anyway...

So I'm at work today anyway, and that poor mermaid, must be in bits, so I'm wearing a tshirt, shirt, jumper, and coat if I have to go out, so noone would even recognise my gender Im that well wrapped up, I did say I hate the cold didnt I..

Yesterday, was a combination day,
That means I had good moments, bad moments, sad moments, funny moments,
Sure we women are great multitaskers anyway...

I went shopping with my friend, she is my newly divorced unhappy friend,
well maybe Im being a bit to general with the unhappy term, because she is a happy person normally, its just she loves and misses her husband desperately.
I miss my husband, and think he is desperate at the same time,
is that similar to her feelings, no, I dont think so.

So we went shopping, she needed some new outfits, she has gone up a few sizes recently,
and I nearly had a mini fit when I discovered that she was wearing pregnancy trousers, as I called them.
Now women, no matter how much weight you put on, DO NOT slip into the old maternity wear you have in the press,
they are by design made for comfort and expansion,
get to the shops, get the right size jeans or trousers or whatever,
and put them on, jeans in particular are designed to hold it all in, not let it all out!!
Leave the maternity wear for the pregnant blessed amongst us.

Now thank god, this girl, loves me, as I love her, because true to form, I ate the head off her,
now not literally you understand, anyway she has way too much hair for me to chew on. haha
I gave her the truth, that she is a beautiful woman, who has let things slide a little, in the body department, and she needs to take care of herself, not for him, or anyone else but for her.
She asked me how this had happened to her, how had she gone up two sizes, so the totally undiplomatic me, took over, and told her it was because she had sat on her arse and ate for the last six months.

So she looked at me, and I looked at her, and the woman in the next dressing area looked at us both, and we burst out laughing, it was gas..
She got some nice gear, we shopped for about 6 hours, she was exhausted, I was exhilarated, Im a shopper, I love it not matter who is buying Im for it.

We were supposed to be going out to a comedy show, that night, but she was wrecked so was I when we got home, thank heaven for the takeaway meals.
OH Yeah her diet starts tomorrow.

So she headed home, and I was gearing up for a lazy night, and my best sister arrived, she was surprising me with coming to the show with us. OOPS, we blew that one, so we went for a quiet drink, down town and chatted, she is so good for me for my soul.

When I came home, I looked at facebook to see pictures of my friends new baby to show my best sister, and got a kick in the ass, there amongst the pictures of her family and friends and her new baby, and her wedding which we were at a few years ago, there he was, standing just taking a picture of the wedding, but he was in one of her photos.
Ah well, I just gotta get used to that, those unexpected moments, at least I was at home, and at least I didnt cry, just shook me a bit.

So Im gonna be taking some of the advice, I gave to my friend yesterday, and try and live my life for me, about me.
No point in preaching if I dont practice is there.

Well he is home, if he ever was away,
why do I say this, it is because the times of departure
and arrival he gave to the kids dont add up, to the flight schedule, but they add up to whore having come here, so I am tormenting myself, why, I dont know I guess its just, well its just hard, to let go.

I should be more like my thirteen year old, last night she told me her dad rang, she said it very sarcastically, so I asked her what was the problem, there is no problem she said, other than the fact that is the first time we heard from him since last thursday, or maybe it was wednesday night.

I knew she was megga pissed at him, they all are, why is he such a sap,
with them, sure they should be his priority, but then at the moment he has only one priority, him.

So I asked her what did he say, how was his form, did he say anything about his trip, I was of course fishing, shouldnt be I know, but like I said, I want to know everything he says everything he does, Im a saddo.

Her answer was quite simple and conversation ending at the same time.
I dont know how he is, how his trip was, what type of time he had,
I AM NOT INTERESTED, in anything he does when he is with her or he is over there, as far as I am concerned when he goes there, that time for me does not exist, if he choses her and him over us, if he cant even make a call to see if I need him, or to say goodnight,
then I dont want to know about, him or his life for those days,
and I dont know why on earth you would want to know anything about it either.

I really didnt know what to say to her, these are the moments when I want to applaud her and say good strong girl, he is a scumbag, you are dead right!! that was the wife in me, the mam in me, went over to her, hugged her, told her, I was sorry, and that although her dad was a stupid man doing stupid things at the moment, he was still her dad and he loved her, he was just making mistakes at the moment and it would get better.

She hugged me back, and said yeah maybe, we ll see.
Mam I want to watch Im a celebrity and desperate housewives can we watch it in your bed tonight. So I said yeah,that would be great, packed up and we went to bed.

I had a real fun day on saturday,
My sister,the 2nd oldest,and her hubby,came over and
we cleared out my dads shed, there was about twenty years of "good" crap in it.
We had a massive skip and we filled it in about 4.5 hours, now we had to watch mam like a hawk, because she kept trying to take things back out, even though she had okayed the dumping in the first place.

One thing she would not give back was a old umbrella, that wouldnt work, it was bent and broken, but she says it has sentimental value, so I said, okay, Ill get it back out for you, and I did, who am I to judge the value of her memories.
My god the amount of stuff, that people keep, bits of wood that is put to one corner just in case, old radios,lamps,bric a brac, and then it just fills the corner more and more each year.
The sad part of most of the stuff was that it would have been good only a storm blew the shed roof off a while ago, and when it was replaced it wasnt sealed properly and rain leaked in so alot of it was rotten or rusted. My dad is also a hoarder, he doesnt want to throw anything away, but he decided to clear it, I didnt question him too much at to why, I was just glad, we tidied up the shed for him and it looks great now, my brother in law worked like a trojan, and a steam train all together. Good for him.
My younger sister arrived with lunch for us, and we had a laugh, I was mucked up to the eyeballs, I think it is the tomboy in me, of course, I had to get into the skip to move stuff back. I enjoyed it, it was hard work but good craic.
We were supposed to clear out the garage, but it was too much for mam, she wouldnt allow anything to go out of there, so we left it, anyway the skip was full from the shed I think dad will have to get another one to clear anywhere else out.
I think we will leave that until the spring. haha.

Sometimes these miss you days are not helped by the people I meet,
I went shopping to the local supermarket, now I know some people know and some dont, sure that is grand, what can you do.

One of the operators in the supermarket, came up to me, and was chatting you know when they are dying just dying to chat with you about your situtation, I didnt really mind, it was just I was a bit fragile,
a bit down.
So anyway she is separated years, and Im expecting her to gee me up, you know you'll be grand, and what does she say to me,
You know its awful, I am so alone, christmas is coming and you cant rely on the kids when they grow up, to be with you, they have their own lives to lead, it almost 11 years since Im on me own, it just gets harder.

So now Im at the Holy Jesus, stage, lets end this conversation rapid.
I said ah you should have got yourself another man, you dont need to be on your own, just because he is gone, and the kids are grown,
why didnt you go out a get a new life, new people,
I said the worse possible thing, because she replied,
oh yeah I did that, and he was a disaster,
I couldnt trust him, couldnt relax about him, it was awful.
So I said, well thanks for that comforting thought, I feel so much more worse than I did before we spoke,
thats a depressing life for me now isnt it.
Oh she goes I didnt mean you, I mean thats just me, but its so hard sometimes.
Great I think, that is over, but no the other girl on the check out, says, sure you have a lovely man, what are you worried about, your chap is great, arent ye here all the time together.
OOPS
Nope, I said, he left me, we are separated, gone forever,
her jaw nearly hit the floor, and her eyes did the pop out of their sockets dance. It would have been funny,
if I wasnt feeling so goddam miserable at the time.

Well, she says are you sure, how funny was that one.
Are you sure?
Yes I am sure, in fact positive I said.
Oh I didnt mean that, anyway, has he got another woman,
even her friend the starter of this shitty conversation
gasped at that one.
I would rather not discuss that if you dont mind I said,
Well what I mean is, she says, if he has another woman,
then you can go out and get another man, it means you have the right.
Jesus where do these women come from?
Anyway, because my snot was up by the intrusion of their conversation,
I said,
whether he has another woman or not, the fact that I am separated
means I am entitled to get another man,
if I want to,
I dont need to consider why or how he feels or why or how he left.
Is that okay with you,
and then I grabbed my bags and walked away, nose in air, oh yeah.
I stopped just as she called me, shit I had forgotten to pay,
so I blamed them, saying ye got me muddled and fuddled,
with all that chat,
but I was mortified and yeah it was my fault,
but we were all silly bitches that day.