So, the mediation had started, every week we went there and each one was so distressing, imagine I sat there when he said how the marriage had been failing for years, that he had been so unhappy for four years and that I knew all the time that he was unhappy as he had told me so. 

Now about 8 months before the split, he told me that he thought I didnt love him anymore, that I didnt want to be with him anymore, that I never went out when he wanted me too, and he felt like a machine an atm, sitting in the corner.
 I remember this day, because I felt so awful that he felt like that, I told him I loved him, I wanted to be with him, I wanted to spend my whole life, with him, and that we would retire to sunny spain and enjoy being together forever.  I told him that I was so tired all the time, I was worried that I might have a serious illness because I was having problems in my stomach, but that I was getting it checked, and with my 3 twelve hour shifts at work, I was tired afterwards, things were hard, My mam and dad were not well, and because we live so close, on the same street actually, I spent alot of time with them,  I loved them and they were old, they both loved him, thought he was great, my dad regarded him as a mate.
I told him all of this, and told the mediator about this conversation, told her that if he had said that he thought he didnt love me, he didnt want to be with me, maybe I would have agreed that I knew our marriage was in trouble but because he had put it the way he did, I thought I had reassured him.
His reply was he said it to me on a few occassions, I just brushed him off with its all in your head.
So the mediator says, that because of these conversations I must acknowledge that there was problems in the marriage, and he had made me aware of it.  (I wonder has he got hypnotic powers over women),
I was not impressed, but  acknowledged and accepted that he felt like that, and then spoilt it all by saying, I however did not understand that and he knew that I did not understand that, and then made it sound worse and me feel better, out I come with "but he was riding whore then anyway"
Sometimes it is good to watch a vein almost pop in someones eyeball, it was that day.  I was not going to take the blame for this, our marriage ended the day I found that phone, because I would never accept infidelity and I told him that from day one 24 years ago, so it was not news to him. 
The hardest thing was his complete approach to it that it was my fault that he had been so unhappy.
Shame on him.

I have days where it is absolutely nothing to do with him, or whore, and although they were few and far between in the beginning, they are getting more frequent as the months whizz in.

One of those days, was the flora mini marathon a day really about women, raising awareness and funds for their favorite charity, so for the first time ever I had planned to do it, and I stuck to that, I had been training with a friend who did it every year, now she was a great walker, but had patience with me and we had been building up a reasonable speed for me, however, the chest infection that had caused me to be at home on that first fateful phone finding day, had bunched all that.  I was sucking on an inhaler like it was Gods holy wine.  I knew that I wouldnt be able to keep up with them so I asked an old friend who had just returned from USA, as a newly divorced unhappy woman, turns out he had his midlife crisis just before mine had his.

Anyway she agreed, and came with me, she had a number and all, as one of the group I registered with had dropped out, so she would get her medal if we completed. I knew we would complete it was 10k but we were gonna take our time and enjoy the craic.

At the start of point the lori lynn foundation which we were raising funds for gave me a hat, thank god for it because the heavens opened and it rained for most of the entire walk, I actually walked 10k wearing a black plastic bag, and the water just ran down me, down my face and even my knickers were wet, what a joyful day, however, one good thing was we walked it quicker, actually a good time I thought, because we did it in just under two hours.

My mate had had two cups of tea before the start and we were about 3 k in when she decided she needed to pee, so we were gonna stop at the next block of portaloos, we got there and the queue was massive, ah Im grand she says, go on til the next one, when we got to the next one it was lashing and the queue was even bigger, I looked at her she says keep going, so we did, It was hilarious each one we came to she just waved me on, my sister who was doing it also, texted me to say she had peed in the bushes over near the flyover, but then she is in the army, well used to roughing it that one!

So we know now, we are going all the way, no pee stop, so the finish line is approaching I says to my mate, when we cross this line, we can be profound and say come on the world, yeah great idea she says, and we take on a great stride, get to finish line, we joined hands raised them up high and shout out to all, well I say come on the world, and my mate says "hold on the world Im coming".  Brilliant!

It was a very soul filling moment, and although it didnt last long, it felt good, to be doing something that empowered me, that made me feel good about being me again, and I had laughed naturally for the first time in two months.  Thank god for that, I am alive.

So the pretence is over for the time being, All the efforts are on getting the payments down, the main problem I guess was the high cost of our mortgage, and there is no denying that it was high, he had paid so far but the pressure was getting to him, he wanted to move into a place of his own, things were not nice for him in his mams his brother  lived there with her and to be quite honest I wouldnt want to live with them, they were kinda loopey,
His brother walks in wet grass without shoes on to dispel any electricity that has built up in his body every so often, and he writes poetry, he is the most immature mature student I have yet had the misfortune to meet, but right at this moment in time he now looked like the better brother.
So the pressure was on for me to reduce payments to a interest only mortgage, we finally had got our first mediation meeting, and the mediator felt that for a year it may be the only way forward for us, so dammit I agreed to apply for the mortgage interest only.  This means that we pay nothing off the capital owed on the house only what was the interest charge, but it was better than a default payment.
The thing is lots of people at the moment are on interest only, because of the recession, but it was hard to accept that we were in the position that we could and should have been continuing to pay our way, and secure the assets we had for our kids and our future, but of course that future was no more and now i had to concentrate on securing our present, that I wouldnt be in a panic every month end if he would pay or not pay the mortgage, I couldnt manage on my own, so once again he controlled my destiny, and the decisions he made changed all that was me and mine.

So here is one of the texts from him that i saved, it was after the events of the last blog, and id asked him to leave me alone


"No problem, Im only trying to talk to you, cause when we're face 2 face u wont listen to anything. As the song goes "its all about you", Im not continuing like this much longer, thats a certainty"

And so the real man stood up showed me who and what he was, and where he wanted to be, and I was glad that I had found out about him and his lies, and that he no longer cared about me, there was no us, probably hadnt been for a long time for him, and he still regarded it as mostly my fault because I had pushed him away, made him feel like a machine stuck in a corner.  Wonder what he thought he was making me feel like now, but I think he was like the highlander, "There can be only one", and he was the only one.......

So there it is, his possibility for a reconcilation, put out there, did I think he meant it, or was he running scared, he had gone over there full of the promises of life, and found the same thing over there a woman with questions, especially since I had texted whore and put  the picture about the relationship he had with his wife, no loveless, sexless marraige, a real live voice full of tears at the end of the phone is a bit harder to discount than whatever bullshit he had fed whore that she was willing to believe, in regards to that although  I think that she knew exactly what type of life he had here, she just wanted him anyway,(bitch).

Anyway, I really didnt think that I would ever be able to forgive him, but I just kept the I dont know line up, because I didnt really know, but I doubted it. a week of how are you, and is everything ok with you went by, and then it was mortgage week and his pocket felt the pinch. 

The poor me texts started again, Im lonely, Im sad, I cannot live like this, I have no money, I wont be able to pay all the mortgage, Im so unhappy. Now dont get confused  this these texts came from him to me, not the other way round,
the misery was increasing for him and the grass started to shine greener from the foreign lands again.

So I texted her, what he had told me, said I hadnt decided what to do yet, told her again what she had done and the pain she had caused, it was a bit difficult to do this, I didnt know that you could block mobile numbers from a network, or that you could block individual phone numbers from sending you a message, nothing from o2 would deliver and the calls wouldnt go in, so I hunted down an vodafone phone and it delivered. Good!!

He was not a happy bunny about that one, said no one could influnce his decision but him, and did I get it, and when I would I cop on, this couldnt go on much longer he couldnt go on much longer he couldnt live like this, so what did the nasty in me say, in the most sincere voice possible, sometimes I still cant believe I said it to him "Well die then".

Okay I accept that was an awful thing to say, but to me what had happened was worse than him dying on me, at least then I would have lamented him, told the world I had lost my one true love, and paid the mortgage with the life assurance policy, and you know what they say hell hath no fury, and at that moment and time I was furious......

Okay he is over there with whore, do i just forget about him, move on with my life, or do i sit and cry, spend sleepless nights and stressed days, wondering and knowing at the same time exactly what he is doing,
well the latter of course.
I suppose I was like the walking wounded, I know that it was a miserable time for me, amongst the many miserable times since all this happened, we are five weeks into it now, why wasnt it getting easier?

So the wanderer returns, and what do I do, I text him and tell him I want to talk, I want to find out what is going to happen to the future, his flight does not get in until 12.30am and he arrives at the house at 1am ish, Am I mad in the head, most probably, but I was convinced this was the time to get him even near to the truth, what he had said to me before he went was exactly what he meant that day, how he had fallen out of love with me and where he wanted to be, he had been full of what the future could be for him, his new start in life, his time..

Up he comes anyway, and sits down, I think he was weirded out by the fact that I had asked him up at that hour, he seemed rattled, so I asked him what were his plans, what was going on.
To say I was blown away by his response would be an understatement beyond all understatements!
He held out his hands, and said " Im so sorry, I have hurt you, I was wrong, I want to come back, I never meant any of those things I said last week, I was just upset and confused".

I listened to this, I think the shock faded somewhere in the I want to come back comment, to be replaced with the cynic in me, and in my most sarcastic tone (which is pretty sarcy I may add), I said she must have given you the bums rush then. Imagine that he hadnt expected that, god only knows why, but he hadnt, he said quite the contrary actually, in a offended manner, which showed me he really was still on planet g. (his planet)

He says he was over there and he looked around, and he realised that this was not what he wanted, he wanted to be here with me, with the kids, that his unhappiness, was part of the humdrum of life in a rut, that he  had been looking for something that he already had, and he still wanted it. What did I think.

What did I think, jeez, that was some question, some statement and of course in my mind some bullshit. I guess I was at the stage because he had lied to me for so long about such a big thing that I dont believe a word he says, everything he does Im double guessing, but truthfully, it was the stuff he said before he went and the fact that he went that finished me, I couldnt believe that his new approach was genuine,
I figured that she had given him the no way answer, I mean she knew he was a married man, with kids, she knew we were together, maybe she had just wanted a fuck buddy, and he fell into that criteria before, but not now.

So I told him, I didnt know, that I couldnt really see us ever being back together, but who knew, maybe if he proved to me that he really did love me, maybe but it would not be easy, it could be a year or two years, at the moment it didnt seem likely but who knows what the future holds, that I had never envisage been in this position 6 weeks ago, how could I say what 6 months would be like, 1 year, 2years who knew.

I think he was disappointed with that answer, I dont understand that bit, did he think I would open my arms and say forgive me for not showing you enough attention, for making you go off with whore, please please come back to me, even as i type this i realise that is actually what he expected.

It was late, we had argued and cried and we were both wore out, I told him it was time to go, he said he would show me he meant what he said, he would prove it to me, and he left, I went to bed, but I did not sleep and I doubt he did either.....

 

Okay, so he is off on his travels, my son tells me he needs a lift to meet his girlfriend off the plane from america, guess what time he has to be there, yep, his flight leaves about 15mins before hers gets in so we are headed to the airport that morning and he is there already waiting to board to go to whore,

I couldnt leave it, no, I had to contact him, by text admittedly ,
but it was still contact, I kept the text, in fact, ive kept most of the texts between us good and bad from both of us. Anyway what the hell, here is that one ab vertaim as they say.

As I return form dropping our son at the airport knowing you are there, thrilled to be going to your mistress
I want you to know,

I wish you no happiness,
that you get to feel the pain and abject misery that betrayel and rejection brings.
That you know what its like to have your plans taken away and your life destroyed by the one you thought was truly yours.
Then maybe you get to understand where i am at this moment.
Shame on you. You are not a good man. I am truly heartborken and destroyed and you did this to me, your wife of 22.5 years,
M.

Needless to say, I got no reply.......

Now while Ive mentioned mickey rot to him as a insult, its quite an important point, anyone, male or female who finds out their partner has been dipping it into poison needs to get checked out, one of the most horrendous experiences ive had apart from finding out and dealing with this crisis is that i had to go and get checked out myself for as ive already called it mickey rot...
I told him so, he said he wasnt worried he always used condoms with her, bully for her huh. If he ever asks the result im gonna tell him i had to go on a course of antibotics as she has the clap....... and i dont mean she is getting a round of applause from him.
This will probably be the first malicious lie I have told in about 38 years, once i told my mam my sister broke the vase and it was me, I got my arse kicked that day, maybe thats what caused my truth afflicition. haha.
So my line is if he puts it about, check it out....

So he is going on thursday, the day before he went i arranged to meet him, i had kinda been avoiding any one to one chat with him before this as its too upsetting, but i was wound up with him going to whore, so i wanted to have my say, and hear what his say was.

He was worked up also, "I was such a callous bitch", (well yeah i was), so he tells me he is going there he has two interviews and he is sussing out other jobs, she is who he wants to be with, and he has been unhappy for over two years with me.
I asked him about our holiday last year the surprise one that he took me to madrid for my birthday on and what a lovely time we had and how nice it was, lo and behold, he didnt want to be there with me, he didnt enjoy himself at all, and he was sorry we went. I guess it was payback time!
I said to him by the sounds of it you are happy then if i said to you you can come back, not that i am understand, you dont want that anyway do you. He looked at me, now he was shook also dont get me wrong he looked upset too, anyway he said, No not as things where things would have to change you would have to change.
So I told him  i hoped he got mickey rot, and left.

So I have kinda skipped forward on the last few blogs, sorry about that Im trying to keep a timeline, but my bulls..t gets in the way,
So he has moved into his mothers house, she lives down the road from our house, I have to pass it every day, but you know what its weird im like looking out the door to see if he is there and when he is i go jesus i wish i didnt have to see his car there, and when its not im like huh wonder where he is, and what he is doing, its too much and not enough if you know what i mean. I passed him one day, he was sitting in the car outside it rattled me, so i kept going what else was i gonna do, i get a text, "nice to see you could drive right by me like i was invisible", yes instead of ignoring it i answer sitting in the carpark at tescos, "i saw you it hurt too much" he replies "Im not a stone either", nah but youre a prick i say, so i replied " what you want me to do wave, and a big long litany of poor me after that, but what can you do, when the moaning mood is on its on, so i moaned to him about what i felt, and of course he replied with how he felt poor him, its tat for tit i guess.

When we were about five weeks into it, and my family except for my best sister didnt know the reason other than he is nt happy, (of course none of them believed that and kept asking but that is the story i stuck too) he tells the kids he wont be available at the weekend for access as he is going away on thursday til tuesday, I was at the table in the kitchen when he said this, so casual like its just by the way. so i look at him, and say your off to germany then, he looks me straight in the eye and says yeah, i am, (bstard)
So I get up and leave the room, on the way out the killer blow is struck, my youngest goes tuttut.and rolls her eyes heavenward. Some friggin plan, but I know its right for the moment but shit it hurts. So off he goes to visit whore, and he s telling me he cant afford the mortgage payment, he cant stay in his mothers much longer he hates it there, poor him, my heart is bleeding oh hold on a minute it cant bleed its broke......

So what really amazes me is that how for 23years 11months and 1 day can you look at person, see the same man that you first saw the attractiviness, the strength the good, and then after 23years 11 months and 2 days look at him and see none of this

The ruggedness is now gone to be replaced with a fatter wrinkler face, the grey hair you found distinguished now just looks old, the extra weight that he put on that was okay made him solid sudddenly makes him fat, the crooked tooth that made you smile, makes you sneer, and all his words suddenly have a different meaning everything is analysised nothing taken at face value, lies are looked for in the simpliest things.

Is this a flaw in my character or are the flaws because of his character,
recently i have changed on the inside so much that the outside person had to be changed also, I have changed my hairstyle my hair colour, and the people around me say my deemner has changed also (I suppose that could be a good thing),

I met him one day, he didnt recognise me at first, it was almost funny to see his doubletake, he came over, said i didnt think it was you.  Of course I replied, thats because you changed me, who i was i am no more
and that is how i feel I am NO MORE, maybe it will be a better me at the end of it, but i was happy with who i was, after forty odd years, I had finally grew into my skin, I was better looking in my forties than in my twenties and still wore a size ten, well i did actually wear an eight most of my twenties, but come on seven pregancies and then three live births take their toll on any elastic, skin or knickers....

We agreed to attend the FMS, its a state run, free mediation service to try and sort a separation agreement without the cost of lawyers, now at the end of it there will be a document which is court ready, but has to go to a solicitor to be submitted to the courts if either party want, I will be doing this because it means if he defaults on payments it can be tagged then to his earnings without having to delay and go through the whole process.
Now the thing about the Family Mediation Service is it is impartial mediation and all aspects of the family are taken into account, children, assets, debts, etc.. each party separate financial position is taken into account and then the costs are kinda divided out to an equal point.

I have to say its very hard to be fair to someone when you feel everything is unfair to you..

He came in with an agenda give her f all. He has achieved mostly that, I now have an interest only mortgage in the short term which will probably end up long term, and it with the child support figure just about pays the new mortgage payment, I am paying everything else, we both have equal jobs, but he has his new costs, his rent on a new place which amazingly is the exact difference that he would have given me before the split.  I am not sure if I will be able to manage with this because i have no stash, i always had a stash, maybe a couple of hundred it started straight after christmas, went through to school books and uniforms etc and then a christmas  
save, no way i can do that now.  So I accepted without prejudice the amount, he almost had a eyeball pop out of his head when i said this, cause he knows a solicitor told me that term, You can get a free consultation from most places now, thank god for the recession!!
Anyway Im not sure, but if I have to pay someone I will, and if I have to pay, so will he.  

I have what I call my best sister, she is my best friend and sister all wrapped up into one gorgeous bundle, thank god for her, so she of course knows the truth, and like me cannot believe that he was such a good liar and pretender, she says she feels like he betrayed her too, which of course he did

So what came next, oh yeah after my saddest time, finally came my maddest time.
That weekend I rang whore, she didnt answer, but i had her work number and her home number from some of the love texts, so I left her some messages, I dont think she was left with the illusion that i was a nice delicate lady I can tell you that.
Every so often i send her a bitch text, it keeps me settled.


.

So its friday, he asks me have i changed my mind, can he stay, hes sorry, Now this is a new revelation, before this there has never been a sorry!
Of course I am now in mega bitch mode, Sorry you were caught you mean, No I havent changed my mind.
 I cant, inside i am screaming, and want to throw his sorry ass and his belongings out the top window for the world to see, but that goes against the plan, and Im a virgo, I like plans they keep my head on straight.
Anyway, He goes into town, picks up our eldest who is a college student, we sit down with him at the table and tell him we are splitting, it is so hard to watch a young man, be mortified confused and fill up with tears, and then try to be a grown up. He agrees to hang around to be there for his younger sisters, still in school, we all sit there it was awful, knowing next round was going to be even worse.  It was,
In all our time together I had never envisage this ever, I thought we would be like darby and joan, spending our old age enjoying our second wind, the first wave was our youth, the sessions the laughter the wild times.
the second wave, our family, the joy and worry of children, the struggles everyone i know went through some more some less. and i was looking forward to the final wave the cruise time, I had actually discussed with him the cruise for our 25th anniversary, we were gonna start saving for it what a laugh what a fool.
This as you can guess was my saddest time.

Its around day three now, how have i survived, one main message keeps filtering through my mind, I call it the Beckham hint to survival,"Breathe in, Breathe out."
The plan as i call it is working, today my youngest asked me what was going on, where me and dad fighting, said it wasnt fair dad was sleeping on the couch he didnt look comfortable.  My first thought was he would look alot more uncomfortable with the garden axe coming out of his forehead, but i swallowed that retort and said we are having a serious fight and it was best for dad to sleep downstairs.  Kids are shrewd, you know, so she goes how serious, mam, and is not happy with the pretty serious answer. I hate to see them hurt, but I am continuing with the plan, he is going at the weekend
The next few days passed with me distressed and upset when he was there and the kids where not, and when they were there and he was not I was just sad, but no drama, the washing got done, the dinners got made and eaten and my hurt and horror grew..
I asked him about whore alot, he said she knew all about me, and that he was married with kids, but that she knew how unhappy he had been, and that he didnt love me anymore, and that she was not the reason/ I was me and my lack of attention to him, his feeling like he was left in a corner, just an atm, that was his life only wanted when it suited me.  I am a strong woman but jesus that caused some dent, so I told him, he was a scumbag and a disgrace, and then i told him he should have died, it would have been better and you know what he should have.........

So its still day one, he has decided to go to work, this is fortyfive minutes after ive found out the love of my life my soul mate has been having an affair for two years, his so call business trips didnt exist they were actually only official work trips on two occassions each year, to be honest i dont know who was the bigger sap, him or me,
okay lets go with him..
After much whinging and hand wringing (unfortunately his neck was nowhere near me), I make a decision, he stays for one week, sleeping on the couch and we pretend we are going through a bad patch (that was the easy bit).
Now as weird as it seems I just wanted the kids and the immediate family not to get a shock, was i thinking straight probably not but it seemed ok at the time.
I hadnt told anybody about us, him,whore, nothing, Im off sick work anyway so to hell with it, now he has me lying and pretending too.
I made a deal,    He moves out at the weekend and I keep his secret and we tell them we are splitting.  I just didnt want to hurt the kids too much too soon...........

So it gets worse his HER (spelt whore), is same age as me, lives a plane ride (emphasis on the ride) away and sure hes only been with her about 100 times in the past two years TWO YEARS jesus and he didnt lose weight  get a gold pendant, or even leather trousers. The problem is me and everyone else including our teenage kids think we are rock solid, how do I tell them, what happens next.......................

Twenty three years,
three kids, a dog a massive mortgage,a full time job, his smelly socks and jocks washed, snoring, sweating, farting, sex once a week (if i was lucky), more if he was
and I didnt show him enough love, personally at this stage I had been expecting a frigging medal

So with tears in my eyes and  pain in my heart, I asked him why, how could you, why

You didnt show me enough love, You didnt come out with me enough. You never made me feel wanted

Oh I get it its my fault.  I accept that ....................NAH

the beginning of the end

so i found it THE SECRET PHONE stupid git didnt even put a password on it, of course this was before Ronan and Rooney!!