So here it is,
I feel I am at the end of the saga of his midlife and my crisis,
Why is that, its not that we are back together,
its not that he isnt still being a megga b.
Its that I'm adjusted, I think it has been coming very slowly,
Lately I have been telling people in work, that we are separated,
On thursday I told a girl in work, I have known her a good while,
we just wouldnt get the opportunity to chat very often,
she was gobsmacked to say the least, I like this person, and
was glad I told her myself, its also nice to know that alot of people
respected my privacy and didnt pass the bongo drums with my gossip.
When I told this girl, for the first time, I didnt cry,
I didnt even well up,of course I was sad,
but not distraught if you know what I mean,
so I thank her for that,
the moment that I realised I'm repairing,
Moving on is probably a little while away,
but I can feel the disassociation from him
within me, I dont hate him,
I hate what he did, and how he did it,
I certainly dont love him,
how could I, but its there the acceptance of what is,
and I'm dealing with it.
Christmas was good for me in many ways,
Christmas eve was a very sad time, but it wasnt the distressing horror,
I was afraid of, and when he came and stayed in the house for those hours,
it could have been, and I did cry but it was just sadness,
for what should have been,
not pain for what it was.
Christmas day was a nice day, my best sister Noreen, her family,
and my beautiful children, and me, made very very sure of that.
The new year beckons, and I want it to be that a New Year,
I am hoping to get a legal separation in the first quarter of the new year,
so he cant mess about with the money end,
and after that I guess its just issues with the kids we will deal with.
My son is 21 in early Jan and we are having a party,
I asked him not to stay all the time,
but now I am leaving it to him, whatever,
I have told him I will not get into a photo with him,
that we will have two separate photos, he was pissed at that,
I dont know why, I thought he would have been glad,
but I dont really care, that is what is happening,
I am paying the photographer, actually,
I'm paying full stop, he says he will fix up his half at end of month.
(we will see)
It doesnt really matter, I am not expecting anything from him anymore,
I think maybe that is
the crux of it,
I am not expecting anything from him anymore.
Is that when the cure of him happened,
when he took away my expectations of him forever,
he took away my feelings for him forever.
Whilst I am sad about all of this,
I feel strangely calm, its weird,
I guess that big hole in my chest is filled with acceptance,
of what is, and maybe that is good,
because when it was filled with emptiness it was awful,
maybe after the acceptance, hope and anticipation will come next,
who knows but I'm glad the emptiness is gone.
Sooooo Glad!
Maria
