I posted on a page today, the end,
I do think that it is the end of
his midlife my crisis

chat about mymidlifemariapart2.blogspot.com soon.

I do feel as I read back the last few posts,
I am coming to the end of his midlife my crisis,
I have got so much from these posts,
they straightened the dramas out in my head,
and sometimes, I laughed at them, sometimes, I cried,
often I read and reread what I had written, but never regretted
what I had written, even though sometimes I probably gave way to
much detail of the unfolding sagas.

As for him Gerry, I hope for our childrens sake, we make it easy on them,
as for whore, Marina Profenna, german bitch,
I will never ever get over what she took from me,
and may she pray we never meet,
I pray we never meet,
because through all this,
lies the fact that she knew he was married with children,
and she didnt care, and all my pain and anger is wrapped up into a ball of agony
because of whore, and as you can probably see from all of this,
I'm just not the forgiving type.

I'm thinking of what will be next for me, and I dont for the life of me know,
but, I reckon, I will continue blogging, but change the title to just
My Midlife, or something like that, I'm deciding what to do about that over
the next few days, but I think I can tag it from this blog,
because no doubt, they will be still part of my story,
like a great blockbuster,
Maria part two.
What a laugh.

Bye for now.
M.

I havent seen or heard from him since christmas eve,
I dont think that has been a bad thing, As hard as it was,
I survived it and resisted the urge to text him,
and he returned the favour.

I think this is were we have to be at now,
there is no more us anymore, and it is only prolonging
the agony to keep these text, talks whatever going on.

I suppose it will have to be only about the kids now,
their wants and their needs, I hope he pays what he agreed
every month and we just get on with our individual lives.

I am very sad about the whole thing, but I guess neither of us
want to go back, him because he was unhappy, and me because he made
me unhappier than I ever thought was possible.

I still have so many regrets, and they are mostly his actions, and his
decisions, that I regret, because, I think if he had let me understand where he
was at, before he cheated on me with whore,
I would have tried harder, maybe even changed,
although, I'm still not agreeing it was me who needed to change,
but I understand that he was not happy with who I was now,
but without ever giving me the opportunity to resolve
his problems with me, and how he felt I was disregarding him,
without this opportunity,
how could I have known?
how could I have seen, this hole that he was digging
for our life together, to be buried in.

I feel now that this is what is, for us, a difficult life,
we have a connection with our three children which means there
will always be an us with them, for them, its just hard to grasp
that there will no more be an us, for us, I know that there hasn't been
an us for him, well internally for the most part to him for a long time,
I guess its me really that has the hardest time with the separation, because
I was still in the relationship, I was the happy married woman, (the fool)

I have been a fool, is it because he fooled me, or I fooled myself,
I dont know,
I guess it depends who you ask,
him or me.
To him I was fooling myself,
I didnt want to see the signs.
To me he fooled me,
he deliberately hid those signs from me,
his secret phone, was exactly that a secret,
his affair also was a secret.
When he went there, he came home with presents,
he kissed me and held me, and we did talk about future plans,
he told me he missed me and the kids,
to me there where no signs.

But I do see now, who I see, now that I dont know,
this man is a stranger to me, he is mean and selfish,
self centered and arrogant, and none of this I recognise as the
man I knew and loved and I don't even like this man.

I suppose I am lamenting someone that is no longer there, maybe it
was the years of pretence and lies, that has made him into who he now is,
or maybe he was always that man, and the years of pretence where the ones
before the affair, not now, who knows, who cares, its all irrelevant now anyway,

I just need to get on with my life, whatever it brings, without him.
thats how it is, thats where I am at.

New day, New dawn, Roll on New year.
M

Yesterday, was thank god a lovely day,
it went better than I thought,
we all worked hard and made sure it did,
the kids were on best behaviour at dinner, no bitching,
with each other, and there was 5 of them all around the same age,
so the risk was there. but ho ho they did it.

Christmas morning was lovely, we four got up together,
and went down to open their santa presents, this year I had wrapped
them all up before putting them in their sacks as I suspected a large amount
of snooping was going on.
They were all delighted, with what they got, surprises and all,
then the table was turned and my son arrived down with my present,
they had bunched he said and it was one pressie from them all, and they hoped
I liked it. It looked like a makeup box, so I opened it and holy god, they had
surpassed me, in the box was a netbook, I couldnt believe they had spent all that
money on me, Yeah yeah, I did cry but I was so delighted and excited they took my
breath away, anytime I have blogged or used the internet, I have had to use one of their
laptops, and they knew it would blow me away, and it did.

Then my best sister and the gang came and we had a great dinner, and a great time
and we had a great day. He was missed, but it was not a horrible time, and it proves that,
good times will come for us without him.
Normal will just be a different normal, family will just be different

I thank the lord for the fabulous gifts I have in my life,
my three beautiful children,
My fabulous sister and her family
my lovely parents and siblings,
my health,
my life.
Merry christmas and
Happy new year. M

Its christmas eve, well its like 12.45am christmas day, to me its nighttime
I was working for the first half of the day,
and the deal was he had them for the day,
he was giving them their christmas gifts or
as we called it his santa,
Yeah yeah they are to big for santa, but hey
I wouldnt mind a bit of santa myself, so how can they
be to old.

They arrived back here at six, he came in, I offered
him coffee, he accepted and we were polite, I asked him
why they were back so early, he said we had nowhere to go,
His rent on the house was finished and he wasnt staying in the new place til he
gets back from whore valley in Jan, he was crashing at a mates house,
so they came here,
I said nothing, but jesus how hard was that, he was there
at the kitchen table on christmas eve,
I was preparing the dinner for tomorrow,
and it was something he always did, and he was there,
looking at me, I dont know whether he was punishing me punishing him,
or just oblivious to the hurt and pain, the overwhelming sense of loss, that
befell me.
I got the girls to go into the sitting room, put on a film on the big
tv and sit in comfort,with him, it meant I could close the door, on them, and pretend
I was still home alone, just getting ready for tomorrow,
after awhile, I went upstairs to lie down, I was tired,
I hadnt slept well, and I was working the three days, but I
didnt want to be like a drama queen, if you know what I mean,
so after about half an hour,
I went back down and tided more,
I had spoke to my best sister on the phone, she was horrified he had come in,
thought he was cruel, but to be honest,
I dont think he even thought of my feelings at the time,
he just brought them home, probably knowing that
it was were they should be on christmas eve,
were we all should be, but as I've already said, that was the past.

He stayed until nine, the film was over, and he went,
I do know he was affected by it,
I saw it in him, I think he saw I was affected also, but
what do I really know about him or his feelings anymore.

I am saddened by the whole thing, but I am back in survival mode,
this is the result of the choices he made, the choices I've made,
and whilst it is important to acknowledge the pain and hurt I'm in,
its important to acknowledge that it is how it is now, but will probably
not always be so, the human condition is to adapt to ones surroundings and
adjust, accept, and grow strong enough to do more than just survive, to move on,
I guess that will be my next step, grow stronger, move on.

The snow is still out, and I am still loving it, I just see the beauty of
it, I never knew that I would love looking at it, but I do, I still wouldnt fancy
a skiing holiday, but its great to have a white christmas, fresh and new, each day.
Thats what I'm going for fresh and new.
New dawn, new day, new life.

Merry Christmas.

The gift is got, and I am delighted for her,
he is delighted for her as well, I am relieved that
she will get what she asked for, its going to be hard enough.

That night I get more texts, the problem is that he seems
to think that I am willing to listen and understand,
how miserable he feels, that he is lonely and sad,
and struggling with how his life is
at the moment.

I am caught up with the hyprocsy of all this,
because as soon as I see these texts,
I want to scream at him
ITS ALL YOUR FAULT.
This time I resisted, I just told him that
"I'm sorry to but sorry for me, you took away the chance
to talk from me,
Ring whore she is the one you chose not me"
I also gave him the name of two of his friends
that he had been close to when we were together to ring,
I'm not sure whether they still talk or not,
his reply was he was sorry for all this,
he was going now, goodnight.
I just replied "goodnight"
because I'm wore out with the whole lot of it,
and Christmas, as much as I love christmas,
its coming and he is not part of it for me anymore,
and its so not the way it should be,
but its so the way it is.

The next day, the new best friend texts started,
I cannot understand, how or why he thinks that after
having been in bits on the phone to him, he seems to
believe we are in communication friendly mode.

The first texts where about him going shopping, and that
he had difficultly getting our eldest daughters christmas gift that
she had told him to get for her. Now that megga peed me off, the first gift she had asked for and he said he would get, I had to get because he now has no credit card to purchase online, and this could have only been got online.
So I switched a gift I was supposed to get for the online one, got that,and
now here we were a weekend before christmas and he still hadnt got the computer game she was looking for.
Would I look out for it when I was in the shopping center today and let him know. I said I would if I got a chance but the girls where coming with me. I wanted to say, feck off and look yourself, but that might mean she didnt get what she had asked for, and that wasn't what I wanted to happen for this christmas, no way.
I got to the center and had a look in the gamestore and they had it, I asked my daughter which one was she looking for to make sure it was the right one, she showed me, and when they wandered off, I asked the assistant to stash it behind the counter and it would be picked up today.
I rang him and told him it was there, and he said he would come and get it.

The truth is there was no way, I was buying it for him, he was already complaining about being short, and when I asked me what to get our son, and I said dunno maybe money will do, he said no I dont have much money I dont want to give cash.
HobloodyHo.

I have had a very busy few days,
catching up with all the christmas chores etc.
The winter wonderland is still with us,
and for some weird reason I love it,
even the cold which I always hate, does not depress me.
I am of course dressed like the michelin man,
but I just love the snow, the look of the country,
the whole fresh pure,bright and crisp look of it.

Must be losing it.

Now as positive as all the above sounds and I'm glad it sounds that way,
I still have been having difficult times, this past week
It started when I came home from work, one of the evenings,
and my eldest daughter seems preoccupied, something was bothering her.

So I asked, whats up, she told me her dad had rang, and told her he would
be able to pick her up for school tomorrow if that was okay.
She said yeah, but when she hung up she wasnt happy, why, well
for the past two months, her grandad, my dad, had been bringing them
when I was working, Now her grandad is definitely her favourite, Mine too.

He is actually a sick man, but has to be up every morning for medical reasons,
and it kinda gave he the extra push, to get up, on time to bring them to school,
I had told him, it was too much for him, and he wasnt having it, so he was doing it anyway.
The problem presents itself, who does she let down, and how does she tell them.

I asked her what did she think of her dad offering,
she said she wasnt sure,
how had he suddenly remembered they needed to get to school, and
she was afraid that her grandad would go mad at her,
I said he wouldnt, but if her dad was unable to bring her for whatever reason,
then grandad would probably bring them but bitch about their dad the entire time,
he brought them.
As much as we love my dad, we know him,
and we both knew if that happened,
he would definitely go on and on about it.

So I offered to ring her dad, and see if he could commit to bringing them everyday,
if not he wouldnt be bringing them at all, does that sound harsh,
to me no, to him, probably.

I had avoided contacting him, since his return,
the last contact I had with him, was the text
telling him to have a horrible time with whore, and they deserved each other,
hardly good preview to a conversation,
but she was distressed, and Im not having that.

So I rang, told him what was on the line, and he agreed that
he couldnt commit to bringing them, all the time,
and didnt realize that they had been disappointed that he had stopped bringing them,
he thought they understood, that as he was further away it was harder to get in,
and said that when the weather was bad,
they didnt ring him and ask him to bring them,
he thought they were okay, of course he thought that,
he thinks they are ok with the new life they have,
why would he see this differently.
There is that three letter word for him again, sap.

So then I launched into the how could you, look at what you have done,
you have destroyed me, monologue again, poor him.
His reply was similar back, poor him.
He tells me he is in bits, he is so alone,
he knows he made a mess of everything.
He doesnt know what he is doing or where he is going,
and he was crying also.

God what a mess,
he said he was sorry, sorry about the mess with the money,
and sorry for what he had done,
this is probably the third or fourth time
we have had this conversation, its the first time I used the dipped in dettol
and rolled in gold description to him (I think),
I dont even know if he was saying he wanted to go back,
or he was just doing what I usually do
Wallowing.
I do know that I will never ever take him back, and its not only because of
his sordid affair, its because of his treatment of me, of our children, since.

So we came to the end of our conversation, and my dad is bringing the kids,
and he is sad and lonely, and going to whore on the 29th, so his words mean nothing.
Nothing at all.

Sometimes thoughts just strike me,
you know you are just sitting there and an idea comes,
not mend bending stuff like Newton or anything like that,
just off the wall but eye opening thoughts.

Yesterday in my concentrate very hard to recover efforts,
one of these thoughts came to me.
Which upsets me the most which is worse?
the fact that he choses not to pay,
or the fact that he choses to go to whore again.

Of course they are both bad, but I remember when he went and
managed to pay the whole month also, as bad as it was that he
went the fact that he paid, kinda made it easier to bear, like
he had took care of us first, then went, but this time with the weekly payments, he showed again where his priorities lay, and unfortunately it wasnt with us.

Now I am aware that when I say us, I should say them, the kids,
but I guess it is the poor me syndrome and I include myself with them,
and I think so does he, but for the opposite reason, because he always says he has to pay me, I get the money to do what I want with! there is that word again, sap, however when he leave me short, in truth he is leaving his kids short also.

Then I have the question, when he leaves me short and doesnt go to whore, how does that compare, of course that hasn't happened, because when he is
not going to whore, he is paying on time.

Unfortunately his trips there are getting more and more frequent, she must be pressurising him for more of him, now she knows he chose whore.
I will of course be following this thought with the word BITCH.

Although at the moment I dont hate him,
my feelings for him are still sucked away
somewhere in that frigging great hole in my chest.
For whore there is no such problem,
yeah I HATE WHORE, with every bone, every breath,every moment,
and its not hard at all, now that shouldn't surprise me,
but it does, why?
because behind this hard nosed me, is the logical me,
the real me, the deep down sensible, understanding me,
that knows it was him who cheated and him who is ultimately responsible, but that me seems to have departed where she is concerned,
and you know what
the hate for whore, sits very comfortable with me right now.

Scary, huh.

I am as they say concentrating very very hard,
and its getting there,
I'm putting up crimbo decorations in the job
as they are not showing christmas spirit at all
and the monitors look lovely with tinsel around them

Well I think so!!

It is unusual for me to go this long without posting a blog,
but to be honest, I'm still doing the suffering the martyr at the moment,
I havent been able to get my head out of misery,
that in itself is not good, this I know,
I guess it will be easier over the next few days,
as he is home, and tomorrow I'm back at work,
Life has a way of helping you get on with it.

It all about getting my head out of my ass,
and stop being such a whingebag.
So tomorrow, I am going to concentrate on doing just that.

Thursday was my horriblest day, in a very long time,
It actually started Wednesday night, I had that stinking head cold,
so I went to bed after tea, and had an aul mope,
My youngest came up for a snuggle, and she wanted to put on a dvd
it was called its complicated, and it was to say the least not a good idea.

We were twenty minutes into the film, and I was sitting there with tears streaming down my face, and I had to ask her to turn it off, as I couldnt take anymore of the film.

I felt so bad, that I couldnt hide these stupid tears from her, and she felt so bad, because I was crying, why oh why do these soppy moments overtake me at the worst possible times. These worse possible times for me are when the kids are around, I absolutely hate them seeing me like that, if feels so wrong, they are kids.

The next morning they went to school, and because I was miserable, the worry of the money for christmas, and him gone to whore valley drove me mental, so of course I texted him.

"Just for your information, the 300 euro I told you, I had saved in the bank has just gone as I had to order more oil, I have not bought our son his christmas gift yet, or paid anything else towards his 21st. I only have my wages to get christmas on. So I'm UNfortunately relying on you to make the agreed payment. Please do, and dont leave me short. God help me I never thought I would have to beg and plead with you to support our kids, Look what you have done".

He replied shortly afterwards

"Money went in last nite"

I nearly fell off the chair, I had checked before I went to bed, and there had been nothing, so I figured he wasnt paying anything this week either, as he had said it would be months end before he paid.

I looked in the bank and yes this weeks money was in that was a relief, because it looks like he will only have to make up last week, Another poor me moment ensued, why does he do that, and at christmas, of course he doesnt care it christmas, only for him. I am a pain in his ass, and of course his wallet.

So I was relieved, did I leave it that, did I heck, I was in megga sorry for me mode now.
Picture this, Im sitting there, sniffing, snotting, blowing, tears streaming down my face texting like a demented fool.

"You think you could have told me you paid this week, you have no idea have you.
The hurt and distress I am in. To be afraid to buy a f.cking present for our son. How do you switch off. I am sitting here bawling and you are over there with your whore and you dont give a f.ck about what you have done and what you are doing.WHY

His reply, so sweet so caring, "I told you last week, it would go in today."

My reply "Forget it. Its all about the money.
Ignore my pain.
Have a horrible time,
you deserve whore and she deserves you".

I guess thats exactly what he did. Forget it,
like he managed to forget us every other time he went there, why should this one be any different, the problem is I needed to be the one to do the forgetting,
forget about whore, forget him.
Cop on, that is what I need to do,
recognising this is all well and dandy,
doing it, thats what Im struggling with.

Well the snow is still here, Monday I drove home in a blizzard,
so Yesterday the girls had no school again.
I must be mellowing, because I went out and had a snowfight with them,
Pair of brats, showed me no mercy,
Im like mind the hair, now that its long
it takes minding!!

I decided to do some washing, get ahead, and lo and behold, no water in the machine,
the outside pipe had frozen, so I spent two hours trying to defrost it, with hot water,
and then I figured I would blow dry it, all to no avail, I spent more time trying to drag
my jack russell off attacking the hairdryer every chance she got, it was hilarious and annoying all at the same time.
Well the girls thought it was hilarious and I thought it was annoying,
okay pretty funny too.

So I was fed up and freezing, so I then had a brainwave, I filled the machine, from
the drawer where the powder etc goes in. Of course I have no hose, so its in and
out to the machine with a large jug of water listening for the buzz on the machine as it tried to pull water from the mains supply, Well it worked, the machine went on, and when it went to rinse, I did the same thing again.
I am of course now sweating in case I messed up the pump on the machine, but desperate means desperate measures.

Okay, I probably wasn't actually that desperate more stubborn, you know, I can do it,
I can get the water into the machine, and get the machine running. OH yeah victory. hah

I just did the one wash, to heck with that.
The fact that I had spent the two hours odd,
in the freezing back yard,
meant I woke up this morning snotting and blowing with a head cold. Yuck.

My youngest says people dont say yuck any more mam its sooo old fashioned,
I guess thats me old fashioned, not old though....

The aforementioned dog, barked all night I was like what the hell is the matter
with her, I found out this morning when I went to feed her,
and she had brought a lovely present to my back door,
Now I'm going with it was a very very large mouse, but I have a suspicion a
Rat found its way into my shed, and my brave pippy spent the night trying and finally
defeating this horrible rodent. Thank God.

Why however, can this brave doggy, not put it in a bag and remove it too the bin also.
The girls had a field day, watching me through the window, wincing and whinging as I
scooped the dead thing up and shovelled it into a bag for the bin,
Horrendous, uggh, yes I am a wimp, but mission was accomplished its in the
bin, and the doggy got a big well done, an extra meat, but not to much, just in case,
any more critters are hiding out in the shed, dont want her too full to chase them down.

Really this dog should be trained as a hunter, she has it in her, she catches birds, and bees in mid flight, mad thing, also I have to have to extra long clothesline poles because she attacks and removes anything she can reach off the line. Bitch, but we love her..

The meeting, well I'm not going,
that decision was made by me, and I was going to stand strong,
then I got a text from him, saying he couldnt meet with me,
tuesday or wednesday, he was busy,
so I replied that I had no intention of meeting with him,
until the money is in the bank, as I dont want to be distressed and
arguing with him, the meeting was to discuss the kids, christmas and
our son's twenty first, and how we were going to deal with all of these
events, not about money.

Oh yeah, he got his phone unlocked and a new sim card,
simply amazing.

I texted him that he had better put the money in, and at least that way
I would have a christmas that was just above horror and just below miserable
as I figured that was probably as good as I was going to get emotionally.
He replied that he wouldn't let me down.

Hmh! of course, the bit late for that reply went,
but what the heck,
Im suffering the martyr, allow me these bitchy days.

Where I'm at for the moment, is limbo,
he had the kids yesterday and for the 2nd month in a row,
they spent the entire time with him in his house watching tv.

He told them he is off to whore valley next weekend, he has no idea,
they know that he is saving his money to spend on his new life, I have not commented on this, when they told me that they spent the day in his house again!! as they put it, I said, sure the weather was too bad, ye would nt have been able to go anywhere, what film did ye watch, so they told me the film was good, and then the oldest girl said dad fell asleep and so did her sister so she was on facebook,
I just laughed for her, and said they were gas, but its hard to cover up for him, really I know Im doing it for them, but when I'm having a shitty time with him, sometimes it shows on my face when he is being an asshole with them.

As for the arranged meeting tomorrow, at the moment I'm not planning to go, but with me, I'm like a dog with a bone, I have to say it to him, like it makes a difference to him, the effect of his midlife on me, and our family, of course now there is no our family, it is my family and him and his illusion of his family, and he seems to be happy,with what he has as a family now.
Who knows, maybe he is.

Am I, no, are my kids, no, but then we were happy with our family before I found out my husband was living a double life, a lie, so with all these changes how could we be happy now.

To end on the positive vibe that I am trying to generate,
we will be someday.

Sometimes I think I will never learn,
Yesterday was a stupid me day after all,
I had been bolstered by the few goods days,
by the fact that I had brought the kids to him last week,
I felt that maybe it was possible that although things were bad,
things were settling, this time, he had made the weekly payments,
the mortgage was paid, christmas was coming, the kids and I had
fun, and although life was not what I had wanted, I was hanging in there,
we were getting on with it.

So I texted him, that when I was off next week, we could meet, and talk about
christmas and what the new year was to bring for us.
Now as his family mobile was cut off, because he didnt pay that bill, he called me from
his house phone, I told him to get his phone unlocked and put a new sim card in, of course he hadnt thought of that, but those where the sensible things and I used to keep his head on straight for those things. Well to be honest his bill would have been paid if he was here.

Anyway we agreed to meet tuesday, that was fine, I was trying to end the conversation and he says, Oh by the way, look, I wont be able to pay the weekly money this week, but dont worry, I'll catch up by month end all the money due will be in.

Oh jesus, my heart fell to the floor, and all the propping up and goodwill that had built inside me over the last week, disappeared, I was back at scared shitless.
Look he goes, dont panic, you have my word, I will catch up.
HIS WORD, sure how the hell does that help me, sure I know he is a lying cheating git,
why would he think that his word would reassure me.

Of course I know that he is off again to whore valley, next thursday, for his usual
ration trip, so does that mean he wont pay next week either, he will catch up he says,
look we will talk on tuesday.

Why am I such a fool, Why do I keep letting myself recover a bit, I should just
stay at the I'm f---ed level, accept that this horrible time for me is not going to
get better as long as I have to rely on the financial support of this rotten man,
and that is what he is a rotten man.

Of course I was crying when I hung up, he thinks I should just understand that he
needs his life, and maybe I should, but my concern is us four, his concern is him
one, only one, well maybe two, maybe whore is top of his list now, to be honest
I doubt it, I think he is in highlander mode still, and there is only one.

I texted him, how distressed and panicked I was, and how could he do that,
when christmas was so close and he must have known I was trying to get presents sorted
for the kids, I asked him why did he keep putting us last.

There has been no reply from him, he does not care,
When am I going to cop myself on. I have said before he is a stupid man,
I guess its time I realised that it is I who is the stupid one.
I think that he has the morals that I live by, when the truth is he has no morals
how much more proof do I need.
My dad has told me before that g has no moral fibre, he is right.

Even it he does pay up and catch up, the fact that he has put me through this
all over again, he knows my fear, that we would lose our home, but to do it at christmas
so I am afraid to buy extra gifts, for the kids, when I was trying to prove to them
that we could still have nice times.

I usually say, shame on him, but he has no shame,
shame on me, that I was daft enough to give him the grace of
doing the right thing by his kids, by me.
Shame on me.

Anyway overall my crisis is lower today and the last few days, and
I'm getting on with life, without him,
and he is definitely getting on with life without me.

We havent spoken in over a week and that was a very short conversation,
Christmas will have to be discussed,
I suppose I should arrange to meet with him and talk,
I hate talking to him and I hate not talking to him.

When will I get used to this, never maybe, or maybe soon,
I'm not negative about anything today, its just he popped into my head
I guess all the family time for me, although I am loving it, as I sit here,
it has highlighted his absence.
My biggest emotion about this is simply, regret,
I wonder what his is.

Yep another good day yesterday,
Its back to basics, going nowhere, hanging with friends,
tea on constantly, stews for the dinner,
gloves on the radiator, its like being an old fashioned mam again.

Thanks for that god, it has given me family time, because luckily for me
it all happened on my days rostered off, and this week I have an extra one,
so four days, non stop us, its great.

I did have a bit of a hard time with mam yesterday
she had one of her senior moments, but it passed, and it
was in the late evening when the kids werent about, so we all
survived it without too much drama. Her illness is cruel, but
I must be soothed by the last few days, it hasnt dragged me down,

The son got the internship, he heard last night, so we are all delighted.
He is a good lad, and its great that he got this good news.
Happy days.

It looks like today is going to be another gift from the weather day,
More snow than yesterday, colder than yesterday, whooohooo.

The cakes look good, tg.
Im actually thinking of putting the christmas tree up early this year,
normally its around the 15th December, we do it, mainly because I'm the organiser
in this house, and the tidier, and I was a bit of an Ebenezer,
and liked to drag the tree and decoration day out
til mid month, so I didnt get tired of looking at it.

As I write that, I realize how bad that sounds but that was who I was,
I love christmas, but it just gets more and more earlier each year,
and I being a virgo like plan and routine, I thought it was like a tradition,
set it up on the same day each year, this year, it changes, new christmas, new
traditions, maybe no tradition, see how it goes, put it up whenever the earlier the better, lets get some christmas cheer into us, into me.

The girls and me are going to have a girlee day, dvd, hot chocolate and marshmallows.
My son, has and internship interview for his college course today, he hopes he gets it,
he likes this place the interview is for, I hope he gets it, his form has been a bit poor,
he is very like me, keeps going, but brings his woes with him, and hates the cold.
He is a good lad though.

I did the mammy bit, called him before his last minute get up, and he was not impressed,
and was bitching at me, yep lads do bitch.
So I was like, well I was gonna offer to drop you to the train, but if Im interfering,
you would probably rather walk, so Im not dropping you down now,
Ah it was funny, watching his face, you could see the,
shit, will I say sorry, or will I stand strong and walk thought
cross his mind.
On the hat and gloves go, and he is standing there, deciding, so I couldnt do it,
I gave in got my coat, and off we went, of course I nagged in the car,
how he needed to speak with respect blah blah,
and he said yeah sorry, didnt mean it.

I know, I know, Im a pain in the ass, most mam's I know are,
thats one of the job descriptions for teenagers,
Mams are a pain in the ass.

I am good at my job, what can I say

Today I have had a lovely day, and its all thanks to the snowy weather.
Schools are closed, and The kids and me had a great day,
We stayed in bed until 10.30 and then the two girls were up and out
pelting each other with snowballs.

They knocked the door, but oh suspicious me, open it a small crack
and yep, in the snowball tried to come,
Im not that old, I remember doing that myself.

Then we had sausage sandwiches, dosed with ketchup mmmm
and then two christmas cakes were made.

For dinner a special request from the cold weather crew,
Mince stew, jeez its been a while since I made that, even as they grow into young adults, they still love the old fashioned kids stuff, its great.

Now it is 8pm and I hear the sound of them
laughing as they are back out there, fresh snow,fresh snowballs...
Its lovely, thank god for it.
I'm reminded that its not all doom and gloom,
kids still laugh, life still goes on,
lots to look forward to each new day...

One interesting thing a caring friend :)
said to me, be careful, you might seem like you are going off men.
The truth is I am, soooooo off men,
except for my dad and my son of course.

Whilst I am off men, I do appreciate the visual qualities of a good looking man,
George Clooney, mmmm
Sean Bean, mmm
Gavin Henson mhmhmm

None of these are ever likely to mosey over my way,
I did meet a gorgeous man on my jury duty, way out of my league, but a definite mmmmmmhmmm and Im sure I will meet and love again,just not until I have got over the man I loved and lost boohoo.

I am in a strange mood, sorry, lots of poopoo in my life today.

I was working, it was snowing, and the kids were going
to spend the day with him, for the first time in almost 2 weeks,
are they complaints, well maybe the snowing and the working bit,
well maybe the snowing bit, because I need to be working to pay the bills, well maybe not the snowing bit, because when I got up at 6am, and looked out my window the world looked beautiful and pure, so that has to be a good thing doesnt it.

Anyway, I'm working and I get an email from him, I had texted him the night before because I heard from my son, that his nanny, was not well and G was bringing her to the hospital, I said I hoped she was ok, now I may have mentioned before that we never got on, so its not that we have a good relationship but I dont wish any ill to her.

He says she is fine, and I say thanks for the update.

Half an hour later he emails that his car wont, start
and he cant pick up the girls, now I know just by the tone of his email, that he is geniunely upset that he wont be spending this day with them, the bitch in me says it is because he is not with whore,
but the mam in me says they need to spend this time with him,
because every day that has passed since he came back has increased their anger and annoyance with him.
Why didnt he come and bring them to school a
couple of the mornings during the week,
after he got back, he should have,
I suppose I should have suggested it to him,
but why cant he think of that himself, because of course he is a stupid man.
We have already established that havent we!

So I took a long lunch, unofficially
it was two breaks rolled into one, but it was grand we were quiet, noone was out its too cold and too snowy, so I nipped home and dropped them to him, first time I'd been outside his house, nice neighbourhood.
It was also the first time, I realised he had a home phone, so I had a bit on snot on me,(meaning I was annoyed) because I had often had trouble getting him to hear his phone in the mornings and once it took me an hour to get him to wake the hell up, when our son was sick and needed to be brought home from college when I was working, anyway, I got his home number from him, he said it never occurred to him, surprise surprise.

I'm in poor me mode I think, or if not poor me,
megga bitch, yep I think that might be it.

Mostly my weekend was okay, I had the good day on thursday with my mate, and then the evening with my sister, so it was actually a day off for me, I didnt spend much time with mam and dad either so it was different than it has been for me for a very long time.

I love my parents, so much and want to be there for them, but I think my brain knew it needed so time for itself, myself, I guess, even as I write this I feel selfish and I know Im not, but I worry about them so much, especially dad, who is struggling with his own illness and then struggling with mam's also, she wavers in and out of the present, and is very contrary most of the time, when she has a difficult day, we all have a difficult day, especially dad.

Saturday, dawned bitterly cold, with frost on the ground, I hate the cold, it just chills me to my core, I have been know to say it would freeze the tits of a mermaid! Crude I know but its because If I can feel the cold right there what the heck does the poor mermaid feel. haha

I didnt do much on Saturday just two hours of ironing in the morning, and then I spent three hours on the phone chatting to a new friend, who can talk just as good, maybe even better than me, it was good for me, I like her mind, it is very similar to mine, and I recognised ideas and opinions she had like my own. Thanks for that my dear.

The kids where like who are you talking too?, and what can you talk to someone that long about, so I did the old trick that mam used to use to us as kids, and tapped the lenght of my beak. NOSEY NOSEY.
They were so not impressed, but it was a laugh.

My oldest is making a christmas cake this year, her first ever, and I'm helping, well Help is what I should be saying, culinary skills are not my forte. Anyway we are trying, I suggested she make him one also, and it is supposed to be a easy cake to make, a fruit porter cake, so we shall see, I do so hope it goes well for her, she is a lovely lovely girl, and is struggling with our new way of life, well we all are, but she is so quiet, anway, Im not going into the misery today, lets hope the cake is good, and if not we ll try again, plenty of time anyway...

So I'm at work today anyway, and that poor mermaid, must be in bits, so I'm wearing a tshirt, shirt, jumper, and coat if I have to go out, so noone would even recognise my gender Im that well wrapped up, I did say I hate the cold didnt I..

Yesterday, was a combination day,
That means I had good moments, bad moments, sad moments, funny moments,
Sure we women are great multitaskers anyway...

I went shopping with my friend, she is my newly divorced unhappy friend,
well maybe Im being a bit to general with the unhappy term, because she is a happy person normally, its just she loves and misses her husband desperately.
I miss my husband, and think he is desperate at the same time,
is that similar to her feelings, no, I dont think so.

So we went shopping, she needed some new outfits, she has gone up a few sizes recently,
and I nearly had a mini fit when I discovered that she was wearing pregnancy trousers, as I called them.
Now women, no matter how much weight you put on, DO NOT slip into the old maternity wear you have in the press,
they are by design made for comfort and expansion,
get to the shops, get the right size jeans or trousers or whatever,
and put them on, jeans in particular are designed to hold it all in, not let it all out!!
Leave the maternity wear for the pregnant blessed amongst us.

Now thank god, this girl, loves me, as I love her, because true to form, I ate the head off her,
now not literally you understand, anyway she has way too much hair for me to chew on. haha
I gave her the truth, that she is a beautiful woman, who has let things slide a little, in the body department, and she needs to take care of herself, not for him, or anyone else but for her.
She asked me how this had happened to her, how had she gone up two sizes, so the totally undiplomatic me, took over, and told her it was because she had sat on her arse and ate for the last six months.

So she looked at me, and I looked at her, and the woman in the next dressing area looked at us both, and we burst out laughing, it was gas..
She got some nice gear, we shopped for about 6 hours, she was exhausted, I was exhilarated, Im a shopper, I love it not matter who is buying Im for it.

We were supposed to be going out to a comedy show, that night, but she was wrecked so was I when we got home, thank heaven for the takeaway meals.
OH Yeah her diet starts tomorrow.

So she headed home, and I was gearing up for a lazy night, and my best sister arrived, she was surprising me with coming to the show with us. OOPS, we blew that one, so we went for a quiet drink, down town and chatted, she is so good for me for my soul.

When I came home, I looked at facebook to see pictures of my friends new baby to show my best sister, and got a kick in the ass, there amongst the pictures of her family and friends and her new baby, and her wedding which we were at a few years ago, there he was, standing just taking a picture of the wedding, but he was in one of her photos.
Ah well, I just gotta get used to that, those unexpected moments, at least I was at home, and at least I didnt cry, just shook me a bit.

So Im gonna be taking some of the advice, I gave to my friend yesterday, and try and live my life for me, about me.
No point in preaching if I dont practice is there.

Well he is home, if he ever was away,
why do I say this, it is because the times of departure
and arrival he gave to the kids dont add up, to the flight schedule, but they add up to whore having come here, so I am tormenting myself, why, I dont know I guess its just, well its just hard, to let go.

I should be more like my thirteen year old, last night she told me her dad rang, she said it very sarcastically, so I asked her what was the problem, there is no problem she said, other than the fact that is the first time we heard from him since last thursday, or maybe it was wednesday night.

I knew she was megga pissed at him, they all are, why is he such a sap,
with them, sure they should be his priority, but then at the moment he has only one priority, him.

So I asked her what did he say, how was his form, did he say anything about his trip, I was of course fishing, shouldnt be I know, but like I said, I want to know everything he says everything he does, Im a saddo.

Her answer was quite simple and conversation ending at the same time.
I dont know how he is, how his trip was, what type of time he had,
I AM NOT INTERESTED, in anything he does when he is with her or he is over there, as far as I am concerned when he goes there, that time for me does not exist, if he choses her and him over us, if he cant even make a call to see if I need him, or to say goodnight,
then I dont want to know about, him or his life for those days,
and I dont know why on earth you would want to know anything about it either.

I really didnt know what to say to her, these are the moments when I want to applaud her and say good strong girl, he is a scumbag, you are dead right!! that was the wife in me, the mam in me, went over to her, hugged her, told her, I was sorry, and that although her dad was a stupid man doing stupid things at the moment, he was still her dad and he loved her, he was just making mistakes at the moment and it would get better.

She hugged me back, and said yeah maybe, we ll see.
Mam I want to watch Im a celebrity and desperate housewives can we watch it in your bed tonight. So I said yeah,that would be great, packed up and we went to bed.

I had a real fun day on saturday,
My sister,the 2nd oldest,and her hubby,came over and
we cleared out my dads shed, there was about twenty years of "good" crap in it.
We had a massive skip and we filled it in about 4.5 hours, now we had to watch mam like a hawk, because she kept trying to take things back out, even though she had okayed the dumping in the first place.

One thing she would not give back was a old umbrella, that wouldnt work, it was bent and broken, but she says it has sentimental value, so I said, okay, Ill get it back out for you, and I did, who am I to judge the value of her memories.
My god the amount of stuff, that people keep, bits of wood that is put to one corner just in case, old radios,lamps,bric a brac, and then it just fills the corner more and more each year.
The sad part of most of the stuff was that it would have been good only a storm blew the shed roof off a while ago, and when it was replaced it wasnt sealed properly and rain leaked in so alot of it was rotten or rusted. My dad is also a hoarder, he doesnt want to throw anything away, but he decided to clear it, I didnt question him too much at to why, I was just glad, we tidied up the shed for him and it looks great now, my brother in law worked like a trojan, and a steam train all together. Good for him.
My younger sister arrived with lunch for us, and we had a laugh, I was mucked up to the eyeballs, I think it is the tomboy in me, of course, I had to get into the skip to move stuff back. I enjoyed it, it was hard work but good craic.
We were supposed to clear out the garage, but it was too much for mam, she wouldnt allow anything to go out of there, so we left it, anyway the skip was full from the shed I think dad will have to get another one to clear anywhere else out.
I think we will leave that until the spring. haha.

Sometimes these miss you days are not helped by the people I meet,
I went shopping to the local supermarket, now I know some people know and some dont, sure that is grand, what can you do.

One of the operators in the supermarket, came up to me, and was chatting you know when they are dying just dying to chat with you about your situtation, I didnt really mind, it was just I was a bit fragile,
a bit down.
So anyway she is separated years, and Im expecting her to gee me up, you know you'll be grand, and what does she say to me,
You know its awful, I am so alone, christmas is coming and you cant rely on the kids when they grow up, to be with you, they have their own lives to lead, it almost 11 years since Im on me own, it just gets harder.

So now Im at the Holy Jesus, stage, lets end this conversation rapid.
I said ah you should have got yourself another man, you dont need to be on your own, just because he is gone, and the kids are grown,
why didnt you go out a get a new life, new people,
I said the worse possible thing, because she replied,
oh yeah I did that, and he was a disaster,
I couldnt trust him, couldnt relax about him, it was awful.
So I said, well thanks for that comforting thought, I feel so much more worse than I did before we spoke,
thats a depressing life for me now isnt it.
Oh she goes I didnt mean you, I mean thats just me, but its so hard sometimes.
Great I think, that is over, but no the other girl on the check out, says, sure you have a lovely man, what are you worried about, your chap is great, arent ye here all the time together.
OOPS
Nope, I said, he left me, we are separated, gone forever,
her jaw nearly hit the floor, and her eyes did the pop out of their sockets dance. It would have been funny,
if I wasnt feeling so goddam miserable at the time.

Well, she says are you sure, how funny was that one.
Are you sure?
Yes I am sure, in fact positive I said.
Oh I didnt mean that, anyway, has he got another woman,
even her friend the starter of this shitty conversation
gasped at that one.
I would rather not discuss that if you dont mind I said,
Well what I mean is, she says, if he has another woman,
then you can go out and get another man, it means you have the right.
Jesus where do these women come from?
Anyway, because my snot was up by the intrusion of their conversation,
I said,
whether he has another woman or not, the fact that I am separated
means I am entitled to get another man,
if I want to,
I dont need to consider why or how he feels or why or how he left.
Is that okay with you,
and then I grabbed my bags and walked away, nose in air, oh yeah.
I stopped just as she called me, shit I had forgotten to pay,
so I blamed them, saying ye got me muddled and fuddled,
with all that chat,
but I was mortified and yeah it was my fault,
but we were all silly bitches that day.

What wrecks my head in all of this, and I mean really wrecks my head,
is how come when he is such a shit,
and he gives me such a hard miserable time,
How come I wake up this sunday morning and I miss him.

Firstly WHY IN THE NAME OF GOD, would I miss him
he is over there with whore, certainly NOT missing me,
but there it is, I am here in my bed with my 13year old asleep
beside me, and I feel lonely and lost.

In what ways I miss him are very simple,
I miss him as a husband,
as the father to my children,
as a lover,
as my partner,
as my helper,
as my friend.

These are all the things I thought we had together, for 24 years,
Well husband for 23, father for 20.5, but the rest for 24 years.
Well I guess I dont know for him how long he was those things to me really,
and how long or how many years he was pretending, lying whichever.

I was recently having a chat with my brother, we were doing some work,
in Mam and Dad's, We were just chinwagging, nothing in particular, and 15 times
during that chat, I called my brother, His (my ex) name,
it was frigging annoying to both of us, I think my brother,
didnt know whether it was delibrate or not,
most definitely not, and it happens sometimes.

I guess they are miss you moments too.

Im figuring these are perfectly normal reactions,
and when they happen, they do sadden me,
not to a wailing widow, but a deep down in the pits
of my soul sadness.

On the opposite side of all of this, the question,
would you take him back, always always remains the
dettol dipped,and rolled in gold answer, no never not a hope,
and that is pretty much the crux of my life, about him
not a hope.

To continue with yesterdays saga,
well the agreement is still holding, for all that is worth,
because to qualify it he said, he will do his best to make the
payments but if some of the weeks he just cant afford it
then he just cant afford it and he will let me know in advance of that week.
Sure isnt that just wonderful,
why wouldnt I be happy with that deal,
what the hell is the matter with me.

The mediator, told us that she needed to advise us
that we must go to a solicitor and that we needed to get this into a court agreement.
When she said this she said did I understand that,
I assured her that I knew exactly that, I think she was spelling it out for me
that this was the only way to go, for me to secure whatever payment I could get out of him
How awful is that, how awful is he.

Then we nearly hit a brick wall, because the threat that I had made regarding whore
was brought up. I have to say for the first time I felt someone in my corner in that room
The mediator replied, that is perfectly understandable that would be a normal reaction, and it is in your best interests to make sure that whore and m do not meet. He was horrified, he had expected me to be told that was unacceptable, to be honest so had I, but rah rah, she didnt.
Now she did say maybe that will lessen, maybe not, but it is extremely important that you recognise that is what m is entitled to feel these feeling towards whore, of course she pronounced it her, but that is not where I am at.

So he repeated his position if I go near whore, the deal is off null and void, and I will have to drag him through the courts to get one penny from him. Sap again.
I laughed at him, told him to keep the tart away and it wont come to that, but I get the feeling he is panicking and therefore he must be intending to bring whore into my domain.
Ah well, that will be something to write about now wont it.

Well I had a lovely time today,
NOT.

My husband or should I say ex, finally told me,
shouted at me that he hates me,
HATES ME!!

I will admit that he was very stressed at the time,
things were not going his way,
he didnt like hearing that, it was not right
he had sent me nasty emails, that he had indeed left me short
of the agreed amount, Oct end.
Like all this is news to him amazes me.


So he lost the plot, and was quite vicious, and agitated, when he
leaned over and told me he hates me,hates me. Of course the bitch rose in me,
and I told him it was no surprise to me that he felt that way, because
he had lied and cheated on me for two years, it was hardly love and compassion
he was feeling for me. I told him, he should be ashamed of himself that despite
what he had done to me, I did not hate him.

The mediator was not happy, god help her, I wonder where we her worst
cases, (nightmare) the strain of our mediation must be horrendous.
I know it was for me.

We had a few bad moments,
another shitty thing he did was to point at me,
quite vigorously and shout at me
that it was all my fault anyway, my fault my fault.
What a sap (I seem to be liking this word in relation to him lately.)

I of course, seen that one coming,
more and more in our communications he has told me it was my fault,
but that doesnt wash with me, and I will never accept it, ever.

If only he had told me,back then,
it was him who had the feelings of not loving me,of wanting something
more from me,
If only.

My world is full of if only at the moment,

If only he had told me, how he was really feeling
If only he had never gone there,
If only he had resisted whore,
If only he had chosen me, our children,
If only he had more thoughts for us,
If only he had loved us enough
If only he had shown remorse
If only he had seen the error of his ways
If only he had manned up, and accepted responsibility
If only he had done one of these things, it would have helped.
If only, If only.

I wish I could afford to tell him, F off, I dont need your money, we can manage,
but of course we can't, I can't

Today I had another classic example, of his lack of responsibility with
money issues.
He had told our daughter weeks ago
she could go on a school trip, that I had said I didnt think we could afford,
He said he would pay the first 100, I would agree to pay the second 150,
and he would pay the last 150, so she could go.
It is due this week, he is off to whore valley,
so I needed him to pay up, she rang him to remind him,
and he said he would have it today,
he gave me 100, said that was all he had
anyway why should he pay the extra 50. Why indeed?
So when I came home and she asked did he pay, what did I tell her,
what do you think, I told her yes, he paid,
its not her fault,
I dont want her to feel like its her fault, I got stuck, and anyway,
maybe he is right, I should only expect him to pay half, I should be glad,
he paid half. It just maddened me, that he did that, I would rather he had said
no mam is right, we have alot on, its too near christmas, blah blah, but he didnt
so there it is, sure I'll be grand, I ll be grand.

Tomorrow is another mediation day,
I thought I had finished with all this,
but as you know, he didnt play ball, and now we going in there again.

Everything is such a mess.

Of course I wish none of this had ever happened,
but I do not wish that as it has happened I don't know about it.
I would never want to go to being that stupid woman, who thought she had a good strong man in her life, I wouldnt say I thought the sun shone out of him, because after 24 years together I knew the faults he had, or to correct that thought I knew the faults he had.

I do miss him, yes, especially on days like today when one of the kids has a sick tummy, and I'm in work and she wants to stay home from school, now she is old enough to be home from school on her own, but I dont like it.

Normally she would only be home alone for about an hour and a half from when he goes to work at 2.30, til her sister came home from school,but that is different now. I hate it, I hate what his actions have done to our family our life.

What a sap.

Anyway, I suppose I'm really wound up because of tomorrow, how will this go, I'm hoping that we come out with the same agreement, financially, but I'm not sure, the threat he made if I dont stop going on about whore, to withdraw his agreement to pay, and drag me through the courts is still a possibilty, but F him, I will not withdraw the threat to him to keep whore away from me, because I am not a liar, and I will more than likely as we call it go for her, cause in my book, she is to blame more than him, because she should have said no, she should have sent him home to his wife and children, she knew.

Yes he is responsible but as I have said before, if it werent for women like whore, there would not be women like me.

I do of course believe that we women are the stronger sex, and that no matter where the blood flow is strongest, we WOMEN still think with our brains.

Well Im still here, the form is returning,
It was helped alot at the weekend,
by of course my best sister
who after a hard days work,
got into her car and drove the 65miles, up to me
now we didnt go out, neither of us where in the form for that,
but we just chatted called him the bo..ox he is.

Complained about the behaviour of my oldest sister,
and she healed me.
The effect of my oldest sister's behaviour really dragged me down,
I guess its because, I expect him to be a pig, and not care, but for her,
to diss on me, and really our mam and dad, it just astounded me.

One of my other sisters, also came over, she came early on saturday, she did loads of tidying in mams she too hugged me, and told me, not to worry, she and the youngest sister, had talked and we were going to sort out a rota, where no one person was left with all the chores, and that really helped, its so what I wanted and needed to hear.

She also told me, the oldest sister, was adamant she was not going to helpout with tidying the house, she was willing, good jesus, willing to visit but too busy to clean, to fecking lazy, thats the truth.
Ah well, I guess I have a cheaper christmas card list
this year all round.

The situation is very simple today,
I am still wallowing, now, dont worry,
I am getting there,
I will get there,
its just that today,
well today is not a good day.

Sorry, Im still wallowing, maybe tomorrow

Over the last few weeks, actually since the crap
he pulled with the first payment, I have noticed a change in me,
It seemed to me I am more negative, more down, more struggling.

I wondered what the heck is happening, I should be getting stronger, not weaker, I should be rebuilding not breaking down.

Last night, over a family matter, I had a disagreement with one of my other siblings, obviously not, my best sister, I asked her to give me help with the household chores in my parents house, as they need help.

Now, I do realise this is supposed to be about his mid life and my crisis, but I guess this crisis is not helped for me by his mid life.

So in the heel of the hunt anyway, this other sister does not want to help because my mam is hard work, she is ill and contrary.

I told her even one day every third week, we all could share it out.
She said if mam shouts at she is refusing to do it. Now of course mam is going to shout at her, we all have to put up with that.

I told her, the way things were with me, I work a three day on three day off week, I needed help, I couldnt manage, she looked my square in the eye, and said you are not the only one with problems in your life.

I told her if she wouldnt help me, then she could f..k off!, so she got her bag and she left.

After much ranting and raving and crying, realisation dawned on me, I now have a name for what I have been feeling for the last three weeks, and never before have I really experienced the true meaning of this word until last night.

OVERWHELMED!!

I am totally overwhelmed by all the shit going on in my life, and its not nice, its not a warm and awesome feeling, its lonely it desolate and its awful, but at least now I know what the heck it is.

Tomorrow, I am going to do something about it, today I am going to wallow!

As I dont sleep alot at night, well I sleep at night,
its the four am to 8am, I seem to have problems with,
the rubbish that enters swirls around and then leaves my mind,
its absolutely head wrecking.

Last night, of course it was about him, me, them, everything
I rehashed yesterdays blog, and thought maybe I was a bit harsh,
maybe he isnt as bad towards me, I dont think he hates me, I am
just very annoying, you know like the fly you just want to swat
away forever.

So when I got up this morning and after I had dropped the girls
to school, I reread what I had written yesterday with full intentions
of changing or clarifying what I had published.

I reread it anyway, and guess what, no, no changes, it was and is correct.

Some days I just sit and wonder what has been the worse thing of all this,
is it the deceit,the betrayel, the loss,
I guess on different days its different things that are worse,
but everyday, every single day,
the hardest thing for me to take is the horrible way he treats me.

I dont understand how this man, could have lived the life and the lies,
for over a two year period, anyway, but how could he have hidden the
feelings, disrespect, dislike, and what at times borders on hate, that
he has for me.

Now I know that in order for him to live with his conscience
or lack of maybe, he has to pass the blame away from him,
I understand that, I know that he has done that, its all my fault
according to him, even in the screaming banshee conversation, he said to
me, "If you had of looked after me properly in the home, then I wouldn't
have had to go elsewhere would I".
Of course that set poor banshee about three octaves higher
than I was already at.
I do as I said know that this is the tactic
that lying cheating scumbags take,
but does this information help me.
No.

My best sister, she can't understand him either, she says he lied so well
why cant he just lie to you again. What is his problem?, why cant he just
pretend he gives a shit, say he is sorry and let on he accepts responsibility.

That of course would be nice, but then as I have just said, he is no longer nice
to me, I guess he no longer needs to be nice he is getting nothing from me now,
only grief and that doesnt count in his book,
I dont count in his book.

So the draft agreement arrived, and I sat down and read it, I knew once I had read it, that we would have to meet again, to be honest that suited me, because he had defaulted with the agreed payment that month, and I felt that he had to be told that the financial agreement had to be followed in order to be acceptable.

The first wrong thing was our wedding date, a minor mistake,
but I guess it was apt that the mistakes started there.

Next was the fact that they had included the mortgage protection,
and house insurance with the payment figure
that was only supposed to include his half the mortgage and child support,
If that remained included, it meant he was giving about three euro a week per child, Im not having that,
and to be honest I doubt he would have that either.

Then they had it down that I had a medical card for me and the kids,
and I dont I have a doctor visit card,
which will be a great help, but everything else I pay for,
there were a few other small mistakes,
mostly typo easily corrected,
but it gave me enough to look for another meeting.

I called them, Whilst they agreed, he had to also confirm willingness to attend, and would I call them, I so did not want to do that,
I'm trying not to call or text him at all,
because I know Im so pissed at what he did at month end
that I'm avoiding him
because I know if I start, that screaming banshee may take hold of me again,
and Im trying to keep her under control.

So I texted, he replied it looked okay to him apart from the date,
I sent him the error's as I saw them,
he didnt seem impressed so I called, and he agreed,
I guess he just wanted me to call him.

Of course, because I called, that screaming banshee came anyway,
and mother of god, what an appearance she made,
and he now has a new issue for our meeting, the privacy part
where he is entitled to have privacy with his new partner,
NEW PARTNER!!!
all this because I told him if I saw whore, I would rip whore head off
and shove it up whore ass,
I don't know what did he expect me to say,
how nice to meet you, hope you are enjoying my husband
and your stay in Ireland.

Nope I dont think so.

Part of the finalising of the family mediation service, is that the agreement is brought to a solicitor and drafted to a legal document, the other party's solicitor then agrees with the document, and it is submitted into court as a legal document.

I went to the solicitor, I didn't have the copy of the document with me, as I was still awaiting for the typed version, but I needed to see how much it would cost so I was going around to get costs, and compare advice etc. Thank god as I have said before for this recession at times, it means you get free advice from a solicitor on first consultation, so I was hoping to do this over the next few weeks.

So anyway, I went to one, he was based in the locality, but I dont know him, suits me. He took the details, he seems like a nice guy, he asked me loads of questions, and then he told me what I already knew, that I was getting a poor deal, I seemed to be meeting all educational, medical, insurance bills, and he was paying half the mortgage and 38euro a week per child. He told me that it should be more, I explained how difficult it had been to get to this stage, and this amount, and that it looked like the first payment was going to be short anyway. I showed him the email and texts that himself had sent me, and he was totally unhappy with these.

He advised me of my options, told me which one he thought was going to be beneficial to me, told me the costs, which although is dear was not as bad as I thought it could be, and asked me what I wanted to do.

I told him I was going to try and get the agreement into court so that it could be enforced if he defaulted, but didnt really want to start a court battle with him, so I was prepared to accept the payment in the agreement if I could get the cash off him every week, I told him if I could afford it I would not look for a penny off him, but I couldnt, so that option was not available and I was not prepared just to draft a legal document, without court enforcement, so it looks like that will be my route and hope for the best with the payments.

He said it was up to me, but all things considered, he did not trust my ex to make the payments by himself, and his behaviour up to this had not been that of an honourable man, and his advice to me was with him or a different solicitor, make it a enforceable document.

My time with the solicitor was nearly up, he asked me the last question, he said it was very important, and very necessary for him in order that he does what is legally required by him to me.

Is there any chance of hope of a reconcillation between you and your husband.

I looked him square in the eyes, drew my breath, and said what I have been thinking for a long time now.

"Not If He was Dipped in Dettol, and Rolled in Gold, would I take him back ever"

Okay said the solicitor, I'll put that down as a no then.

So, where I am at now is the mortgage has been paid, the oil tank half filled instead of filled, because he left me short, and the christmas pot is not started yet, but it will, I will,

Now because his drama over the cash to be paid, has passed I get the nicey nicey texts, you know what he asked me, by text of course, had I decided what to do about christmas gifts,

you know santa, the kids of course know there is no santa, but that doesn't mean in our house there is no santa. I reckon most if not all houses are the same, when the kids get older, they are harder to please, its not the wrapping paper or the box they are interested in anymore.

Again I have wandered off the topic, sorry, anyway, Did I want to do christmas for the kids separate or together, now last month, the youngest told me she thought she would like a santa sack, and that it would be a joint like always, and I was kinda giving that a yes, but now, I am afraid if I agree to that, I will be stuck buying everything, so after much thought and I do mean that much thought, I told him No that I felt it was in my best interest to get our own gifts and that we could consult on what each other was doing to save doubling up. I also added that as things were bad between us, I didnt think it was a good idea.

He was put out, I knew by the "Fine, whatever, and I know already what the girls want they told me before. and then What do you mean things are bad?

I just didnt bother replying, and at least three days passed with no contact and although sometimes I dont know whether I want to hear from him, or not, I do believe it is more now that I dont want to hear from him, he just annoys me all the time.

I do believe planet G is very foggy that he cannot see the wood for the trees!

His story is very simple, I cannot afford what we agreed to pay, this month, I will try and pay the agreed payments for the following month as it is changing to weekly payments and I should be able to manage that.

Should be,

It amazes me the attitude of this man, who shared my life, my love, my family, and yes my bed, these are his kids, and they need a roof over their heads, does he think I have a camen island bank account out there somewhere, a stash of money, that I had been putting to one side for the day he fecked off and left me, perhaps,because he must have been planning to leave us, he thinks I had made plans myself for the just in case.

I have no idea what the heck he thinks about my finances and I dont really care, because alls I know is when he left me short, he did exactly that, he left me short, I had to at a weeks notice, find 200euros to pay the difference of what he was supposed to pay, and it hurt the bank account, Christmas is coming my son has a 21st birthday in the new year and Im so afraid for my future, and how will I manage if he continues to default, and I think he will.

In our past, the only thing I did not trust this man with was money, he was useless at paying bills, I always took control of that end of things, there would always be something he would need cash for and the bills were put to one side if it was left to him.

For the first time in our married life, we were meeting bills on time, there was always a little something in the bank, little but something, and now that security was all gone and worse because I didnt know what the next week held for me, will he pay or will he not, sometimes when I doubt myself (believe me I regularly doubt myself now), I think I must be some major bitch to have this type of return in life, the distress, the worry, the fear, and yeah the abandonment, sometimes it just overwhelms me, and yeah life is so not fair.

I do of course understand that there are people out there much much worse off than me, and I see people dealing with physical illness, hardship, and pain and I know that I should be glad Im not dealing with their troubles, but some of my philosophy in life has been that while I acknowledge other peoples troubles and tragedies, when I close the door at night and turn off the light,
it is my troubles,
my sadness at the mess my life is in
that keeps me awake at night.

The next three days I got one text each day and I ignored each one as they were much of a muchness.

He had hardly any money, he just had enough for food and petrol, no money to treat the kids etc etc.

Now this was hard to accept because he had only returned from whore 9 days before, and of course this affected my sympathy levels, and to be quite honest although I was not shocked, I was surprised, this was the first payment after the mediation agreement, why was he behaving like this, it was supposed to be all sorted.

Finally he got fed up of texting me, and told me if I was ignoring the problem so would he, so I heard nothing from him for about 3 more days, and then day two into my 12 hours 3 day shift, at 8pm as I was sitting down to dinner, my phone beeped, it was him, and he texted me to say he had sent me an email, that was it, no details, nothing else, he really knew how to wind me up.

The email was a disgrace, I dont know whether he is just cruel selfish uncaring or totally so wrapped up in him that noone else can be suffering from this seperation only him, without boring you with an exact word for word, because Im worried this may be getting just that boring. The basic content of this email was that he was worried about himself, he had been to the doctors because he thought he was having a heart attack, but then he knew I didnt care about that! the doctor told him, it was hypertension, and that he was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, (do they tell you that, you are on the verge of a nervous breakdown, go home and rest?),anyway but I dont care about that do I!He should take a month off work, but he cant afford it, he cant afford the tablets, but I dont care about that!

Its the worry about money and what he can afford to give me, he doesnt think he can manage to give me what he agreed, so he will be leaving me 340euro short this week, and we will see about the other weeks after that.

What a man, huh, now this guy, has already emailed me his schedule of unavailable dates between now and christmas when he will be in whore valley, once in november and twice in december, once before christmas and once after.

I was distressed and disgusted by him, but whats new for the past eight months I guess that has been my feelings towards him anyway, how hard it is to be civil to a man in front of people especially his kids when he is being a selfcentered pig.

Now what was I too do about this email, I left it for the whole night, but as I didnt sleep anyway, when I got up for work, next morning I emailled him how unhappy I was with what he had said, how I had expected and still expected him to fulfill his commitment regarding the money, how the mortgage was due, the oil tank needed filling bills to be paid blah blah, and if this was to work amicably he had to pay what he had agreed.

His reply was quite short and simple,
My god, you really dont care do you!
Goodbye.

So where did that leave me now, I did what I always did when he was playing up about money, I called my brother in law, who was great pals with him, and he talked to him tried to talk sense into him, told him to cop on and pay up, and why had he agreed to the deal if he was going to default on the first payment due, he had a good talk with him, most of it I dont know what was said, because despite all the shit he was pulling my brother in law, has been his pal for a long long time.

He told me he wasnt sure what the outcome would be regarding the cash for this month, but when the weekly payments kicked in, he was going to do his best, Jesus his Best!

So there I was with a week to wait, wait and worry, and get annoyed, but I was good, I avoided any bitch texts, any emails, all contact had ceased, what a mess.

The next message was most definitely showing his unhappiness, sometimes when I am being mean, and I dont deny that sometimes I am mean where he is concerned, anyway, when I get messages like the next lot, I refer to them as his illness, he suffers with M.E. now my apologies to the real sufferers of M.E., but his mild dose of it is really that he suffers with ME,ME,ME.

Here is some of his me moments: remembering he is writing these to me, his wife the woman he lied to and cheated on, so yeah I am a bit harsh.

"What I have here is, no friends. Nobody to talk, no money to take the kids out. The dont want to come and sit here all day. And yes I know I have put myself in this position, but I cant live like this."

So I replied
"I am not coping well either, I had so much to deal with myself, My mam and dad's illnesses, Angry and hurt kids, I guess because I feel like the victim you dont get my sympathy, that I am afraid is part of my survival, surely you understand that. What did you think would happen when I found out anyway?"

As his reply, I guess was a near to a home truth as he could get,

"You know what, that was the problem, I didnt think, I was just being selfish, and I'm sorry."

"Yep, me too desperately sorry."

So once again I think we are making grounds, he understands how I'm feeling it is dawning on him, my pain my suffering am I getting there with him.

Nope, the next text, he was back to his world,

"Yes it is my fault, but Im really worried, Im falling apart, Im having panic attacks, Im so alone, I dont know where to turn, I feel so isolated and alone."

So there you are, now dont get me wrong, thats not easy reading from the man that once was your world,but it was all him, all about him, and he was asking me for help or understanding,or what I don't know, but I knew I couldnt go there, and I knew when I sent my reply that he wouldnt like it, and our communication would shut down and we would be back on enemy ground again, but I sent it anyway.

"Thats awful, you need to get help, you should ask to be referred to a counsellor, Go to the doctor as soon as possible!"

I did not hear from him for another two days and I instigated the contact with the details of my work schedule for the next month, as he had requested at our last mediation session, and by then, the month end was approaching, the first payment of our agreement was due,and he was not a happy bunny, and by god did he drag me through and emotional mill that week.

The party night was over, and alot of the conversations particularly the one about forgiving him etc played over and over in my head. Mostly though I was pissed at him for the texts the night before, so I sent him a bitch text.

"What I dont understand is how me telling you about access to my life spurs you on to get a transfer, when you had already chosen to leave my life anyway.
Wyou were suppose to be only here for the kids and you told me you were looking to go to germany, why didnt you apply for a company transfer already
and have you told them the truth about your affair yet? or maybe I was the last to know really".

His reply

"Im not getting into that conversation, with you it always ends up in a row"


Then I couldnt leave it could I

"it amazes me how you can ignore texts you dont want to deal with, I should try to be more like you, Maybe I can survive this horror!"

"The reason I didnt reply to the text about you and me is because it always ends up in a row and I think there has been enough of that already".


So I texted him, told him pretty much what ye read in the last post, about what needed to happen for us to recover, and his reply really really surprised me,

"Sometimes I think you want to get back together and then other times I think you hate the sight of me!"

Now to be honest, I cannot honestly say how he got the impression I would go back with him but then he is on another planet so who knows what he thinks, but I really needed to clear this up for him so I replied

" There is no getting back together G,
You decided that when you went to whore 5 weeks after we split, and all the times since.
That destroyed the little hope the little chance. It also destroyed me, but you dont want to hear that I know.
I dont hate you, because when you blamed me, my lack of attention, not showing you love blahblah, every single feeling inside me for you just sucked out of my soul, and now I have no feeling not love not hate, only pain, but pain solely for me,which is why everytime we talk I cry, because I am consumed by my pain, My feelings for what I have lost. Yeah it is hard reading but as you have heard it all before I dont expect it to change your concept of me or my ways."M

It took him fifteen minutes to reply to that one

"What do you need me to do to try to make this any better for you", I thought if I wasnt around that was what would make it easier, I wasnt trying to do anything else"

and then

"I want you to know Im not coping very well with all this either."

And there I was back to pissed off again, because we were back to him, and in this his mid life thats all there was him.

So I sent him another bitch text.

"There is no easier, other than admitting that when you started and continued this affair, I thought You were my rock, We were together forever, and that YOU loved ME.
I was not to blame for your unhappiness, you were, because you were happy with me, until you met whore,and then I wasnt good enough, and everytime I did something like not go out or buy you a shite present, you justified and strengthened you belief that no wonder you wanted someone else.
That was you and whore fault not mine. I will never accept responsibility for the breakup, because you went with someone else, not me, and you should have made me understand and given me , given us a chance.
You going to whore,has to be what you want to do. Stop putting that responsibility to me, because I am out of that equation.
There is you and whore, and the kids, You decide what you want to do the most for you, and then live with it, as I and everyone else will!"

Dont think he liked that one either, I put my phone away,and did not look at it until later on, there is more but Ill leave it for next time., isnt there always next time.

So the night out was good craic, and as usual when people have a few bevies, intense conversations take place, I had quite a few that night (conversation,well bevies also) and considering the fact most of the company was male, it amazed me that they were so open to reveal their feelings and thoughts to me and to them.

There was a difference in chatting with lads, and this difference really surprised me, when I chat with girls we always and I mean always get smutty, you know, the funny sex stories, we girls like to regale to each other, and there is always a relevant point to each of us, we have all been there done that. haha.

The lads didnt do that, it was really indept, about their lives, my life, and you know what it was enlightening to me, fun as well.

One guy in particular, we had a exchange of experiences, of our partners, our separations, how things came about and how things changed for us, now he had a different story because there was no other party in his split, and they had tried to make it work for each other etc.

He told me something which stayed with me all that day and I probably think about what he said at moments during my week.

He said to me that two things need to happen, two very important things, and they were vital for him (the ex) and me to move on towards an amicable or reasonable time together.

1. He had to accept full responsibilty for the marriage failing because he went elsewhere whilst still with me, and that he lied to me and our family, and that was wrong in every way.

2. I need to forgive Him.

I told this lovely nice man, that I didnt think that, that would ever happen,
and that I didnt think that either of us would ever be able to do that!

That saddened me so much.

Now this lovely man thinks that if the first one happens then in time the second one will follow, and yeah it is too soon for me, but in order to survive this horror and come out the other side in one piece the forgiveness has to come.

I wish I was the type of person to do that,

but truth is I really dont know if I am,

is it pain or am I really the callous bitch
that he seems to think I am.

I feel not.
I hope not.

I'd had a miserable morning, but it was gonna be a good evening, the jury gang were meeting up for a get together in town.

I dont normally go to town for a drink, as I dont like having to go home on the train, Im a bit of a scardey cat really, especially at night, but one of the lads lived in my area, he was an nice guy and he wasnt drinking so he offered me a lift home, and you know what I was looking forward to it.

I went in early preened and pruned haha,

I met with my fabulous funny girl friend, we had a good catch up ourselves and then headed over to meet the others. He knew I was going into town to meet them, he had said have a good night, wasnt that nice of him.

About 8pm that evening my phone buzzed, it was from him, to be honest, I wasnt expecting to hear from him, I thought we had said it all.
The key incident must have rocked him more than I realised this is what I got.

"I just want to let you know that I have today officially
requested a transfer.
When I know more I'll let you know"

I have to say I found it upsetting,
there I was in a pub on a night out and he still had the ability to pull my chains.

Of course I replied, like I guess he knew I would.

"Well thanks for that, Il try and enjoy my night out in town anyway"

and another text battle evolved

"I wasnt trying to upset you.
After todays conversation I thought that was what you wanted.
Forgot you were goin out.
But why would that upset you"

"Jeez, what kinda man are you,
I tell you how fragile and futile I felt and you have seen my pain, and you ask me that?"

"Well maybe Im just stupid, but when you asked me for the key because you didnt want me to have access to your life.
I thought you were perfectly clear."

"oh I get it Payback,
Look do what you gotta do, Its your call,
if it was up to me none of this would have ever happened, Just remember your kids,
I dont count anymore do I.
I am out"

"You asked me what my plans where. I'm just letting you know, Dont know what you mean by payback.
I dont think that way..!"

Now in between these texts, the guys were getting pissed at me, I knew it should stop then I forwarded them on to my sister, she rang me told me to tell him to F off and then stop answering put the phone down and get on with my night.

Good advice, did I take it. Thank God Yes!!

So its about two days after the final meeting, he comes up to the house and we talk, we talk about how sad it has been and that we will try and get on for the kids its not easy for either of us, I do understand that.

I told him, that one big problem I had was that he still has a key to the house, I wanted it back, because he didnt live here anymore, and he had no need, and it meant that him having it gave him access to my life whenever he chose.

I wasnt surprised that he didnt like this we have had this discussion before, the meditator said he didnt have to give the key back months ago, but it didnt sit easy with me.

He says what if there is a fire, and Im outside and cant get in, I told him that by the time he gets here from his new address, a twenty minute drive, it would be too late anyway.

I reminded him that I didnt have a key to his house, he says the kids wont stay there anyway, so I said we will have to try and change that but these things all take time, and if we go gentle with them they will come around, they love him they are just hurting and unsure.

I told him I would leave the key with a designated neighbour for an emergency if he felt better about that, he seemed to take this as an added insult that I would leave it with a "black stranger" rather than him, so I told him he was now the stranger to me, I didnt know him at all.

So with much flourish he gave me that key, now I know that it was a significant give for him, but I needed to be selfish about it and I guess I was.

I didnt do it to score points it just felt wrong that he had the key.

He left shortly afterwards he was very unhappy, but then welcome to my world.

So, Id left the mediation, headed in to town to meet my sister, it was so embarrassing to sit on a bus with a big whingey head on me, but I wanted to get out of there as quick as possible, I had spent about 5 mins in the bathroom, trying to take away the bawling her head off look, and hadnt really managed it but I'd had enough of trying.

I met my best sister, she hugged me, and we both welled up, so we sucked it up, and stopped, went for a cuppa, and then headed for home, you know she is so with it, she lives the other side of town to me, but she drove to my home town that morning and got the train in unbeknown to me, so that she didnt leave me at the station, she came home with me, and I suffered the martyr for an hour or so, until the kids finished school.

At least the wheeling and dealing was done, maybe we could just get on with living apart now, maybe the constant worry about finance was over for both of us, we both knew what was expected of us, there were no winners here, although I think he isnt really happy with what he has to pay, but he has to remember there is one of him and four of us, even if I dont count in his estimation there is still three dependents, and a roof over their heads to be paid for, and although it will be tight, I think I will manage with careful budgeting to pay all provided I can keep the mortgage on an interest only basis for a year or two.

What a god awful mess, but to be positive, at least its sorted, and the bitch texts about money can stop.

Now to lift the mood, and show you I still posses my weird and almost awful sense of humour, here is a little taste of a conversation I had with a friend the other day.

We were talking about holidays, and the funny things people do on them, and the reputation people get for themselves whilst abroad, we talked about how people give out about the british, but seem to love the irish, not matter where we go, now this friend was in the dark about whore, and she goes oh yeah what about the germans arent they awful, you go away, and they take your sunbed, if you left your towel on it they would throw it to one side and just lie on top of it, no problem, no worries.

Three other people were at the table with me, they knew about your wan, and they were like, holding their breath, just wondering what would I say, so I didnt like to disappoint at all.

I looked up, and I swear, I did smile genuinely, and says, Jasus you think thats bad, a towel, a sunbed, try leaving your husband out on holiday, sure they'll fecking lie on top of him too.

Poor girl, apart from the uproar of laughter from the other gits in the room, she didnt know what to do or where to look.

You know what, you gotta laugh, you gotta live.

M.