The next three days I got one text each day and I ignored each one as they were much of a muchness.

He had hardly any money, he just had enough for food and petrol, no money to treat the kids etc etc.

Now this was hard to accept because he had only returned from whore 9 days before, and of course this affected my sympathy levels, and to be quite honest although I was not shocked, I was surprised, this was the first payment after the mediation agreement, why was he behaving like this, it was supposed to be all sorted.

Finally he got fed up of texting me, and told me if I was ignoring the problem so would he, so I heard nothing from him for about 3 more days, and then day two into my 12 hours 3 day shift, at 8pm as I was sitting down to dinner, my phone beeped, it was him, and he texted me to say he had sent me an email, that was it, no details, nothing else, he really knew how to wind me up.

The email was a disgrace, I dont know whether he is just cruel selfish uncaring or totally so wrapped up in him that noone else can be suffering from this seperation only him, without boring you with an exact word for word, because Im worried this may be getting just that boring. The basic content of this email was that he was worried about himself, he had been to the doctors because he thought he was having a heart attack, but then he knew I didnt care about that! the doctor told him, it was hypertension, and that he was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, (do they tell you that, you are on the verge of a nervous breakdown, go home and rest?),anyway but I dont care about that do I!He should take a month off work, but he cant afford it, he cant afford the tablets, but I dont care about that!

Its the worry about money and what he can afford to give me, he doesnt think he can manage to give me what he agreed, so he will be leaving me 340euro short this week, and we will see about the other weeks after that.

What a man, huh, now this guy, has already emailed me his schedule of unavailable dates between now and christmas when he will be in whore valley, once in november and twice in december, once before christmas and once after.

I was distressed and disgusted by him, but whats new for the past eight months I guess that has been my feelings towards him anyway, how hard it is to be civil to a man in front of people especially his kids when he is being a selfcentered pig.

Now what was I too do about this email, I left it for the whole night, but as I didnt sleep anyway, when I got up for work, next morning I emailled him how unhappy I was with what he had said, how I had expected and still expected him to fulfill his commitment regarding the money, how the mortgage was due, the oil tank needed filling bills to be paid blah blah, and if this was to work amicably he had to pay what he had agreed.

His reply was quite short and simple,
My god, you really dont care do you!
Goodbye.

So where did that leave me now, I did what I always did when he was playing up about money, I called my brother in law, who was great pals with him, and he talked to him tried to talk sense into him, told him to cop on and pay up, and why had he agreed to the deal if he was going to default on the first payment due, he had a good talk with him, most of it I dont know what was said, because despite all the shit he was pulling my brother in law, has been his pal for a long long time.

He told me he wasnt sure what the outcome would be regarding the cash for this month, but when the weekly payments kicked in, he was going to do his best, Jesus his Best!

So there I was with a week to wait, wait and worry, and get annoyed, but I was good, I avoided any bitch texts, any emails, all contact had ceased, what a mess.

The next message was most definitely showing his unhappiness, sometimes when I am being mean, and I dont deny that sometimes I am mean where he is concerned, anyway, when I get messages like the next lot, I refer to them as his illness, he suffers with M.E. now my apologies to the real sufferers of M.E., but his mild dose of it is really that he suffers with ME,ME,ME.

Here is some of his me moments: remembering he is writing these to me, his wife the woman he lied to and cheated on, so yeah I am a bit harsh.

"What I have here is, no friends. Nobody to talk, no money to take the kids out. The dont want to come and sit here all day. And yes I know I have put myself in this position, but I cant live like this."

So I replied
"I am not coping well either, I had so much to deal with myself, My mam and dad's illnesses, Angry and hurt kids, I guess because I feel like the victim you dont get my sympathy, that I am afraid is part of my survival, surely you understand that. What did you think would happen when I found out anyway?"

As his reply, I guess was a near to a home truth as he could get,

"You know what, that was the problem, I didnt think, I was just being selfish, and I'm sorry."

"Yep, me too desperately sorry."

So once again I think we are making grounds, he understands how I'm feeling it is dawning on him, my pain my suffering am I getting there with him.

Nope, the next text, he was back to his world,

"Yes it is my fault, but Im really worried, Im falling apart, Im having panic attacks, Im so alone, I dont know where to turn, I feel so isolated and alone."

So there you are, now dont get me wrong, thats not easy reading from the man that once was your world,but it was all him, all about him, and he was asking me for help or understanding,or what I don't know, but I knew I couldnt go there, and I knew when I sent my reply that he wouldnt like it, and our communication would shut down and we would be back on enemy ground again, but I sent it anyway.

"Thats awful, you need to get help, you should ask to be referred to a counsellor, Go to the doctor as soon as possible!"

I did not hear from him for another two days and I instigated the contact with the details of my work schedule for the next month, as he had requested at our last mediation session, and by then, the month end was approaching, the first payment of our agreement was due,and he was not a happy bunny, and by god did he drag me through and emotional mill that week.

The party night was over, and alot of the conversations particularly the one about forgiving him etc played over and over in my head. Mostly though I was pissed at him for the texts the night before, so I sent him a bitch text.

"What I dont understand is how me telling you about access to my life spurs you on to get a transfer, when you had already chosen to leave my life anyway.
Wyou were suppose to be only here for the kids and you told me you were looking to go to germany, why didnt you apply for a company transfer already
and have you told them the truth about your affair yet? or maybe I was the last to know really".

His reply

"Im not getting into that conversation, with you it always ends up in a row"


Then I couldnt leave it could I

"it amazes me how you can ignore texts you dont want to deal with, I should try to be more like you, Maybe I can survive this horror!"

"The reason I didnt reply to the text about you and me is because it always ends up in a row and I think there has been enough of that already".


So I texted him, told him pretty much what ye read in the last post, about what needed to happen for us to recover, and his reply really really surprised me,

"Sometimes I think you want to get back together and then other times I think you hate the sight of me!"

Now to be honest, I cannot honestly say how he got the impression I would go back with him but then he is on another planet so who knows what he thinks, but I really needed to clear this up for him so I replied

" There is no getting back together G,
You decided that when you went to whore 5 weeks after we split, and all the times since.
That destroyed the little hope the little chance. It also destroyed me, but you dont want to hear that I know.
I dont hate you, because when you blamed me, my lack of attention, not showing you love blahblah, every single feeling inside me for you just sucked out of my soul, and now I have no feeling not love not hate, only pain, but pain solely for me,which is why everytime we talk I cry, because I am consumed by my pain, My feelings for what I have lost. Yeah it is hard reading but as you have heard it all before I dont expect it to change your concept of me or my ways."M

It took him fifteen minutes to reply to that one

"What do you need me to do to try to make this any better for you", I thought if I wasnt around that was what would make it easier, I wasnt trying to do anything else"

and then

"I want you to know Im not coping very well with all this either."

And there I was back to pissed off again, because we were back to him, and in this his mid life thats all there was him.

So I sent him another bitch text.

"There is no easier, other than admitting that when you started and continued this affair, I thought You were my rock, We were together forever, and that YOU loved ME.
I was not to blame for your unhappiness, you were, because you were happy with me, until you met whore,and then I wasnt good enough, and everytime I did something like not go out or buy you a shite present, you justified and strengthened you belief that no wonder you wanted someone else.
That was you and whore fault not mine. I will never accept responsibility for the breakup, because you went with someone else, not me, and you should have made me understand and given me , given us a chance.
You going to whore,has to be what you want to do. Stop putting that responsibility to me, because I am out of that equation.
There is you and whore, and the kids, You decide what you want to do the most for you, and then live with it, as I and everyone else will!"

Dont think he liked that one either, I put my phone away,and did not look at it until later on, there is more but Ill leave it for next time., isnt there always next time.

So the night out was good craic, and as usual when people have a few bevies, intense conversations take place, I had quite a few that night (conversation,well bevies also) and considering the fact most of the company was male, it amazed me that they were so open to reveal their feelings and thoughts to me and to them.

There was a difference in chatting with lads, and this difference really surprised me, when I chat with girls we always and I mean always get smutty, you know, the funny sex stories, we girls like to regale to each other, and there is always a relevant point to each of us, we have all been there done that. haha.

The lads didnt do that, it was really indept, about their lives, my life, and you know what it was enlightening to me, fun as well.

One guy in particular, we had a exchange of experiences, of our partners, our separations, how things came about and how things changed for us, now he had a different story because there was no other party in his split, and they had tried to make it work for each other etc.

He told me something which stayed with me all that day and I probably think about what he said at moments during my week.

He said to me that two things need to happen, two very important things, and they were vital for him (the ex) and me to move on towards an amicable or reasonable time together.

1. He had to accept full responsibilty for the marriage failing because he went elsewhere whilst still with me, and that he lied to me and our family, and that was wrong in every way.

2. I need to forgive Him.

I told this lovely nice man, that I didnt think that, that would ever happen,
and that I didnt think that either of us would ever be able to do that!

That saddened me so much.

Now this lovely man thinks that if the first one happens then in time the second one will follow, and yeah it is too soon for me, but in order to survive this horror and come out the other side in one piece the forgiveness has to come.

I wish I was the type of person to do that,

but truth is I really dont know if I am,

is it pain or am I really the callous bitch
that he seems to think I am.

I feel not.
I hope not.

I'd had a miserable morning, but it was gonna be a good evening, the jury gang were meeting up for a get together in town.

I dont normally go to town for a drink, as I dont like having to go home on the train, Im a bit of a scardey cat really, especially at night, but one of the lads lived in my area, he was an nice guy and he wasnt drinking so he offered me a lift home, and you know what I was looking forward to it.

I went in early preened and pruned haha,

I met with my fabulous funny girl friend, we had a good catch up ourselves and then headed over to meet the others. He knew I was going into town to meet them, he had said have a good night, wasnt that nice of him.

About 8pm that evening my phone buzzed, it was from him, to be honest, I wasnt expecting to hear from him, I thought we had said it all.
The key incident must have rocked him more than I realised this is what I got.

"I just want to let you know that I have today officially
requested a transfer.
When I know more I'll let you know"

I have to say I found it upsetting,
there I was in a pub on a night out and he still had the ability to pull my chains.

Of course I replied, like I guess he knew I would.

"Well thanks for that, Il try and enjoy my night out in town anyway"

and another text battle evolved

"I wasnt trying to upset you.
After todays conversation I thought that was what you wanted.
Forgot you were goin out.
But why would that upset you"

"Jeez, what kinda man are you,
I tell you how fragile and futile I felt and you have seen my pain, and you ask me that?"

"Well maybe Im just stupid, but when you asked me for the key because you didnt want me to have access to your life.
I thought you were perfectly clear."

"oh I get it Payback,
Look do what you gotta do, Its your call,
if it was up to me none of this would have ever happened, Just remember your kids,
I dont count anymore do I.
I am out"

"You asked me what my plans where. I'm just letting you know, Dont know what you mean by payback.
I dont think that way..!"

Now in between these texts, the guys were getting pissed at me, I knew it should stop then I forwarded them on to my sister, she rang me told me to tell him to F off and then stop answering put the phone down and get on with my night.

Good advice, did I take it. Thank God Yes!!

So its about two days after the final meeting, he comes up to the house and we talk, we talk about how sad it has been and that we will try and get on for the kids its not easy for either of us, I do understand that.

I told him, that one big problem I had was that he still has a key to the house, I wanted it back, because he didnt live here anymore, and he had no need, and it meant that him having it gave him access to my life whenever he chose.

I wasnt surprised that he didnt like this we have had this discussion before, the meditator said he didnt have to give the key back months ago, but it didnt sit easy with me.

He says what if there is a fire, and Im outside and cant get in, I told him that by the time he gets here from his new address, a twenty minute drive, it would be too late anyway.

I reminded him that I didnt have a key to his house, he says the kids wont stay there anyway, so I said we will have to try and change that but these things all take time, and if we go gentle with them they will come around, they love him they are just hurting and unsure.

I told him I would leave the key with a designated neighbour for an emergency if he felt better about that, he seemed to take this as an added insult that I would leave it with a "black stranger" rather than him, so I told him he was now the stranger to me, I didnt know him at all.

So with much flourish he gave me that key, now I know that it was a significant give for him, but I needed to be selfish about it and I guess I was.

I didnt do it to score points it just felt wrong that he had the key.

He left shortly afterwards he was very unhappy, but then welcome to my world.

So, Id left the mediation, headed in to town to meet my sister, it was so embarrassing to sit on a bus with a big whingey head on me, but I wanted to get out of there as quick as possible, I had spent about 5 mins in the bathroom, trying to take away the bawling her head off look, and hadnt really managed it but I'd had enough of trying.

I met my best sister, she hugged me, and we both welled up, so we sucked it up, and stopped, went for a cuppa, and then headed for home, you know she is so with it, she lives the other side of town to me, but she drove to my home town that morning and got the train in unbeknown to me, so that she didnt leave me at the station, she came home with me, and I suffered the martyr for an hour or so, until the kids finished school.

At least the wheeling and dealing was done, maybe we could just get on with living apart now, maybe the constant worry about finance was over for both of us, we both knew what was expected of us, there were no winners here, although I think he isnt really happy with what he has to pay, but he has to remember there is one of him and four of us, even if I dont count in his estimation there is still three dependents, and a roof over their heads to be paid for, and although it will be tight, I think I will manage with careful budgeting to pay all provided I can keep the mortgage on an interest only basis for a year or two.

What a god awful mess, but to be positive, at least its sorted, and the bitch texts about money can stop.

Now to lift the mood, and show you I still posses my weird and almost awful sense of humour, here is a little taste of a conversation I had with a friend the other day.

We were talking about holidays, and the funny things people do on them, and the reputation people get for themselves whilst abroad, we talked about how people give out about the british, but seem to love the irish, not matter where we go, now this friend was in the dark about whore, and she goes oh yeah what about the germans arent they awful, you go away, and they take your sunbed, if you left your towel on it they would throw it to one side and just lie on top of it, no problem, no worries.

Three other people were at the table with me, they knew about your wan, and they were like, holding their breath, just wondering what would I say, so I didnt like to disappoint at all.

I looked up, and I swear, I did smile genuinely, and says, Jasus you think thats bad, a towel, a sunbed, try leaving your husband out on holiday, sure they'll fecking lie on top of him too.

Poor girl, apart from the uproar of laughter from the other gits in the room, she didnt know what to do or where to look.

You know what, you gotta laugh, you gotta live.

M.

So the day of the final mediation had arrived, I knew it was going to be hard, there were some outstanding issues, well debts, that had to be dealt with.

I thought I was gonna have a battle on my hands, but to be honest I was so peed off with how things had been between us that I was digging my heels in for this one, or so I thought.

He had just returned for whore, the day before, so maybe he was loved up, or maybe it was the state of distress he had seen me in the few weeks before, but he did not, fight about the money he agreed, and we moved on to the sad bit, the finalising of the mediation, there would be no more sessions, next thing that would happen was the agreement would be drawn up ready for a solicitor to draft and then another solicitor for the other party to agree.

It seemed only right that, I would do the drafting through my solicitor and he would get his to do the agreeing and then they would submit it to the courts for legal seperation, we also agreed to split the costs 50/50, and no party had a majority cost.

Sounds all grand and mature doesnt it, well I guess it was mostly, then the mediatior asks if we have anything we want to say, he does his thanks very much for all the help, it hasnt been easy for any of us, and you have been a great help, (which in fairness was true), She says we will be sending out forms for your opinions on how it all went, and then asked me how I felt.

And the death bell tolled.

True to myself, I told her, I told her that I felt let down, that I had had to acknowledge that because we had a discussion months ago that he thought I didnt love him anymore, or that he was upset because I wouldnt go out after working a twelve hour shift with him,that I had to acknowledge our marriage had troubles, (now I know you have heard this blah blah before, but bear with me, Im running with the day), anyway, I felt hard done by because noone said to him that he was wrong to have an affair that he had done a bad thing to lie and cheat on his wife and family and that he had broken our trust our love and our marraige by his actions in carrying on the affair with whore.

The mediatior actually went, oh, I know she felt awful and pitied me, sure she was right I pitied me, but still she did not confirm that it should have been said to him, or that he should have acknowledged it. So I remained hard done by, (whats new)

I told them how lost, how sad, how heartbroken, I felt with what had happened how the stress and strain of these past few months had ripped my inner core to shreds, and that I didnt know what the future held for me, that because I went to work full time, ran a house and three kids, kept up with chores, and bills, and had a full sexual relationship with my husband and that wasnt good enough, if I had given him everything and still he wasnt satisfied, that it fell short, what did that mean for the next man to come into my life.

Then I got up and I left, and I guess that part of me is done now, and his midlife is really my crisis, and will there be much more crisis for me.

Without doubt there truly was and still is, its not probably nowhere near finished yet.

M

I went out with a couple of mates awhile back, Nothing exciting or delighting, just a few gals having a laugh and a chat.

So we are sitting there, chatting and laughing, I get up go to the bar, and I swear to god, someone must have put a neon sign up over my head.

"NO MAN ATTACHED"


Two fellas mosied on over to me, all chat, such lovely men,
with nice respectable air about them,
sure will we buy you a drink,
what about your friends over there,
would they mind if we came and sat with them?

Now as you have guessed by now, if you have been reading my posts at all,
I like a little bit of sarcasm,
in fact I like it a bit too much for my own good,
"ah sure they would be delighted, to have you over,
we are only out on a girls night,
and nothing better on a girls night than to be surrounded
by two fine lumps a men like yourselves",
I replied with a smile.

Well the sarcasm was lost on the pair of them,
I think they thought birthday and christmas had all come together,
over they go to the lassies,
and I stood there gobsmacked at the innocence of pair of them,
kinda like
lambs to the slaughter really.

One of them actually got as far as sitting in amongst them,
and putting his drink on the table, before the first comment hit him.

"Sorry love, you must be confused, this isnt your seat"

"Nah says another one, its in your sitting room, next to your wife,
why dont you take yourself there, like NOW"

"I dont know, now ladies, be nice to the poor chap,
at his age
sure it could be the onset of
alzheimers,",

Poor love,

"Well darling did you forget, you are married,
never mind, we wont, go on home now, good chap"

I know where the phrase cackling hens came from


Did I have sympathy for them.

Nah.

Oh my Gosh as usher would say,
I have become my worse nightmare, a screaming banshee.

Recently I received a utility bill that I shouldnt have, it was a phone bill and I had already moved to a different provider, because the old company, had changed the terms and conditions of my contract and it brought extra costs to my bill, I wasnt happy with this, and changed to another company offering a better deal.

Anyway, because we were with this crowd awhile, his name was on the bill still despite the fact that we had written to them to get my name on, somehow by miracalous intervention, they had not received this communication, and my name did not appear on the billing.
The fact that it was paid every month from my bank account seems to have been irrevelant to them also.

So anyway I call them explain that the bill is incorrect and they need to reissue me with a new bill, and what do I get, yep the text book answer, " I am sorry madam, I am unable to discuss particulars of this account with you, under the data protection act blah blah blah"

I explain to that poor innocent git, that He no longer lives in the house, that we have already sent in written form the change of billing, and holy jesus he repeats the line I am unable to discuss.......
So with all the sense of a two year old having a tantrum, I lose it, yep I mean totally lose it.

I shouts down the phone at him (yes to my shame), that well He has f..ked off with someone else, left me and my kids, and your effing phone bill for me to sort out, and when the bill is not paid, who are you going to be talking to then! huh huh tell me that..

Sweet god, he actually repeated the I am unable to discuss,.... You need to get him to call us, in order for any further action to be taken on this account. That poor poor fool!

I says to him, are you for frigging real, open your ears, do you actually expect me to ring that fu..er and ask him to ring you, to discuss my phone bill, what planet do you live on!, I will give you his phone number call him yourself.

Worse again was his reply, I am sorry mam, we are unable to do that he will have to call here, as I have already said We are una.......

Yep you guessed it I hung up!

Now Im fired up to the heights, so I ring him, he doesnt answer, I leave an obnoxious message,blessed with many curses about him being a Prick, and hang up.

He calls back tells me to calm down, and what is the problem, so I give him the whole speel again, and he says yeah no problem I will ring them but we did send in the letter, I dont see what the problem is anyway.

Less than five minutes later, a supervisor from that phone crowd rings, apologises for the complication but as He has verified that the phone bill can be discussed with me, we can move on now to the issues at hand. I was wishing that I had more than an issue to hand at that moment in time.

I had a reasonable chat with him, explained the bill problem and he is getting it sorted.

I said to him , that surely there has to have been an easier way of this billed customer issue, and he said well the data protection act blah blah, but before I got my gander up he saved his eardrum, by saying the chap should have made the call to him, and saved my distress, and he would be passing it on to customer services as an issue.

So we said goodbye, and that was it, another poxy moment with his name on it.

So, he told the kids he would be away the weekend of his birthday, and as I had predicted they were not impressed, how could they be, they knew who he was going to, although he did tell them he was going to amsterdam, Im not sure if he said whore would be there, or not, but I think they guessed that anyway.

The two girls were sick the week up to his birthday and he came up and visited them in the mornings, and then on the friday morning again as he would be going early on saturday morning.

After he was gone they were very subdued, I asked them had they given him a present for his birthday, and they said no, never got around to getting one, and it wasnt like he was gonna be there for it anyway, I told them they could get something next week before he got back and they said yea maybe.

What can you do, you cant say to kids oh dont worry he doesnt mean it, he doesnt realise he is chosing whore over you, or even him over you, because that just doesnt help, so I told them that he wasnt thinking straight, and that if they were hurt they should tell their dad so he would understand their feelings, now there is no saint in me, I told them their dad was sometimes a stupid man, who did stupid things, and this was one of them, but he loved them, that it wasnt about them it was about him, it was just his head wasnt on straight some days.

I did want to say he is an absolute asshole, he is still suffering the complaint of brain attached to dick, but that wouldn't have been appropriate for them now would it.

I am very nearly up to date now, its amazing since I started this blog and was months in the past and I have written that often that I am almost in the present day.

Of course as things had gotten easier, with him, I was less stressed, and almost civil to him on every occasion, it must have lulled him into a false sense of security, and then he did what he always did, and blew it.

We had as Ive already said, come to a concession on christmas, and I kinda felt a bit bad about it, so as a gesture, I suggested by text that I could get the kids to stay over with him the weekend of his birthday.

They have refused so far to stay with him overnight, now I do understand why, but know that that will have to change, they need to be comfortable in his home, and he has the right as their dad to have those times with them.

Anyway guess what the reply text said. Yep, you got it, I will be away at a meeting for that weekend!
Now I was pretty gutted to hear that, although I have now no right to say that, it still hurts me and it sets me back to day one, each time he goes there.

So I deleted the bitch text I had drafted to send him, and just sent I See. Of course for about two days there was no further communication.

Then when I felt up to the drama, I texted him I would like to talk to him, and to give him his dues, he came up.

I asked him why had he decided to go over that weekend and he gave me the old reliable lie about a meeting, that he had used and I had believed when I didnt know he was a lying cheat. So I looked him square in the eyes and told him enough bullshit, I knew he was going to whore, and whilst there may be a coincidental meeting, on the monday, I knew that the weekend of his birthday was free time, and he had chosen whore over the kids.

Yep she would be there, and he was spending the time with whore,
because he wasnt spending his birthday alone, looking at four walls.
I told him it was a big mistake and the kids would take it badly, but he didnt agree.

Of course he was wrong. Again.

So the days/weeks pass, it amazes me how the world continues to revolve, and yet everything seems to have stayed exactely where it was in your life weeks ago.

My birthday, came and went, it was a nice day, I took a holiday day off work, and stayed home with the kids, my sisters came over and we had a lovely dinner, and a laugh, and the day passed grand until, about 8pm when he texted me wishing me a lovely day and a happy birthday. sure look, I guess no matter what he did it would have been wrong, but it did hurt if felt alien, and I did well and did not reply bitchely or otherwise, I just let it go.

Sometimes I manage that really well and then the other times I dont.
September is also the month of our would have been anniversary, 23years but they are no more, so I went to work and thanked god for the all ireland final busy day that he sent me.

We had a mediation the next day, I think it could have been the worse one so far, but I probably should have cancelled, as I knew it was a difficult time for me, I suppose for us, but the cynic in me doesnt see him suffering any pain about the split at all.

My dad was pretty sick by then, everyone was very worried about him, and they were doing surgery the next day to prepare him for dialysis, it was a very scary time.

Anyway the mediation went as they do awfully, and afterwards I was outside at the bus stop and he came over and I just fell apart, we had been fighting over the figure to pay for the mortgage and when we agreed, I said it didnt include the arrears we had incurred and he had to pay half, so we argured about that then, and then he agreed you know what it was 30euro a month extra, I suppose either of us could have said its such a small amount, but I guess the battle weapons where on for both of us that day.

When I was so distressed and in a state I think he must have looked with open eyes at me that moment because for some reason it clicked with him, my pain my distress and the fact it was about money which we would never have fought over, and for those moments the man I knew reappeared and told me that he would not fight about it he would sort it, I dont think I believed him really, but I accepted he said it and meant it at the time, and surpise to me, he followed through with it at the next meeting, and that pain lessened.

Does that change me towards him, no of course not, I think if he had been like that in the beginning maybe it would have helped me emotionally, but the damage was done, and when you have been dragged through a hedge backwards, its not only your hairdo thats ruined, there is a big sodding hole in the hedge too:(

Just a reminder that as I am fanactical about this, but kinda want to stay anonomus I refer to me as I or me, the hubby(sorry ex) as Him, himself or scumbag if necessary, and the other woman, is usually always Her but spelt Whore, I think I may have referred to whore as bitch also.

It is true I hate whore, and blame whore for everything because for one very simple matter, MEN THINK WITH THEIR DICKS!

All that whore had to do, was say no, send my hubby home, with his tail between his legs, where it should of being, instead of allowing to be between whores.

Sometimes I have a bad day, always after a meditation session, I have a bad day.
It is so hard, to sit there and fight over a few pounds, it seemed to me that if he had fought as hard to have our marraige I wouldnt be sitting there fighting for my financial survival.

Most days after I left the meetings I would be in bits, after one particularly awful meeting my best sister started coming to meet me from them and only for her there sometimes I dont think I would have got home.
I never asked her to she just knew.

It amazed me that these meetings although they helped sort out our money, I came away from this experience demoralised, humilated and distressed. The fact that I had to acknowledge that because we had the discussion about how he thought i didnt love him, or he felt pushed away, that that meant, I knew there was troubles in our marriage, that I did not understand or recognise this at the time, was not acknowledged by him.

Nobody said to him, you were wrong in what you did, you have treated your wife and family badly, and this is what has brought the end to your marraige, your choices, in not making you wife understand that the unhappiness you felt was not about her it was about you.

I dont understand why that was never said to him, I know its an impartial mediation, but if it was impartial, did it have to be unfair, surely if I had to acknowledge his feelings, he should have been at least asked to acknowledge mine?

Of course thats my take on it, I guess it is a biased opinion, I have no idea if anyone else has had the same view, but I dont really talk to anyone else about it and dont really want to either.

I might as well show all my bad points one after the other.

I think the main one is probably my unforgiving nature, which is probably what brought me here in the first place.

I dont think I ever really considered remaining in my marraige when I found out about his affair.

I am not sure whether it was the lenght of time it had been going on, the lies he told or how he behaved after I had found out.
It is possible it was all of these things, however it is also possible that even if it had a been a brief fling, and he had admitted it to me, rather than me finding out, and he had been down on his knees begging forgiveness, rather than trying to pin the blame on me.
Maybe it wouldnt of mattered to me, I still would have proceeded to the end of our life together.
Of course that I will never know because the latter didn't happen and he was an absolute shit about everything.

Anyway we sat together one day, and tried to talk about what was going to happen, at the last mediation session, we had tried to talk about christmas, I thought it was way to soon to do that, it was months away for god sake!, but now the mediator thought it was something to settle, so he says he wanted to see the kids on christmas day, and I told him that if possible I would not be at home for christmas day, as our original plans last year had to spend this year at my best sisters house, and all being well with my parents health that was were I was going, and we would be there for 2 days.
He wasnt happy with that but I wasnt budging, considering he had fecked off to whore for the last two years during the christmas period, on the pretence of meetings, I was really really stubborn on this one.

So we agree that he can spend christmas eve with them.
I suggest that he could have them for the new year few days, and lo and behold he wont be here, he will be AWAY, he has all ready decided, his new year will be where he wants to be and who he wants to be with. What a sap.

So of course the shutters came down on me and we got no further with those discussions, you know red rag, bull!

Anyway whilst filling in on the background, I of course have diversified from the original blah blah, I was telling you about.

Oh yeah, it was some my of bad points, in particular the unforgivness one.
So we get talking, and he tells me that he will not be on his own, that he intends to be with whore, I tell him that he should be, for all that he threw away wouldnt it be an awful shame if it was for nothing.
I told him I wish he would go there and leave me in peace, he says he is not sure he will go there doesnt know what is happening he cant make plans, he wants to be here for the kids. Did the applause deafen me, no I really think it was derision resounding in my ears that caused the temporary deafness.
So I tell him, really I warned him, not under any circumstances to bring whore near me. That I would probably rip her head off, and that I would never ever be civil to whore, and that I would do my damndest to make sure the kids hated every bone in whore body.
He said that wouldnt be hard, he knew that they already felt that way, and I was glad, to hear it. (although I do have shame for wanting my kids to feel that way, kinda)
He cant believe that I feel this way, that I would threaten this woman, it was not her fault, in fact it has nothing to do with her! now on his planet, it amazes me that he can blame me his wife for his affair, and not the woman he was actually screwing, who knew that he was a married man, with kids, his detatchment wrecks my head.
Then he says the conversation ender, its so not like you to be aggressive, to want to fight with someone, I cant believe you are like this, why are you like this it is totally out of your character!
I do think he actually stood back from the explosion!
To say I lost the plot yes again is an understatement, but one good thing came of it, he knows I am not messing where she is concerned, and hopefully for both our sakes we will never meet.

I suppose in my defence regarding the previous post, he at the time had gone to whore again, and it was sickening to me.

I had another recent interesting conversation with a close friend of mine, who asked me did I hate Him, I said I didnt really know how I felt about him, as when I thought about us, I really thought about how I felt about me, and how all this had affected me.

My feeling for him, well to be honest at the moment and from the moment I found out , Its like all the emotions have been sucked out of me, and left a vast swirling hole inside my chest. Its so hard to describe, but its like, there is no feeling for him inside me apart from my hurt, my disappointment.

So anyway, my friend says to me, what would you want to happen to him, if you where wishing a deep nasty wish. I dont think the reply I gave was exactly what either of us expected to come out of my mouth, but sometimes even my truth surprises me.

I would like that himself and whore, were together banging away goodho, and then he gets this massive pain in his chest, falls down dead on top of whore, crushing the life out, and then they both lay there for days, as noone misses them, and the flies gather on them.
Jeez, now that is sick, Maybe Im not handling the situation well after all.

One of the nights out, I've had in recent weeks, led to a very interesting discussion with a girl that I didnt really know, but was great friends with her sister.

Of course if I was great friends with her sister, she knew pretty much all of the story of my crisis and his midlife!

She asked me a question that has stayed with me for quite some time, but my answer has not changed.
Anyway, her question was quite simple,
"what if you had the chance to go back in time, still with all the knowledge you have about your life as it stands now, what would you do, if you arrive at the moment when you found the phone, you can change the results of your life now, if you want, would you put the phone away and not look at it, the past you would not know what was in the phone, and your life could continue as it was.

What would the future be, you decide, open it up, or put it down"

I didnt answer straight away, It was a really good question, and Im glad she asked me it, but even as I thought about it for a moment, the what if situation was abhorrent to me.
 " I would pick up the phone, and do exactly the same things or nearly the same things that I did that day",
she asked me had I no regrets. That, I knew, was hard to explain, that I would rather live as I was now, afraid about the money, about losing our home, about the kids and how they were struggling with their pain, of me, afraid of being alone, unwanted and unloved in my later life.

I recognise that, these are real possibility for me, but I would rather be like this, than the past me, who believed she was with a man who loved her, wanted to be with her and was working towards the future for and with her.

I do have regrets, but most of my regrets are about the choices he made not me.

I would have stayed with this guy forever, but not under any terms, I am a good person, and even though he changed, and his wants and needs changed, I deserve to be with a man, for the right reasons, not for a home, or because of how it looks to other people, not even for the kids, because I want them to know, that each person is entitled to be loved for themselves and I deserve that.

The biggest problem for me to get over of course is that he deserves that too. I did love him and want to be with him and never would have done what he did, but he did it, he did it because it was what he wanted it was who he had become.

The logic in me understands and accepts that, it was just the way he went about it I cant really deal with.

I guess the trust I had in him was my biggest problem, the fact that he tried to push the blame for the split on me, that I didnt show him enough love or time, and he was pushed away at every turn, now that is probably the bigger of the horror bigger than the lies

The lies he told me, and by god when I think of them, it amazes me that I was so gullible, so naive, so trusting

 and the fact that  I never questioned that he would go on meetings and that they would involve weekend travel, but because they were in another country, I just accepted the bull, I suppose

I made it real easy for him and whore,

too easy.

A great family day, arrived My folks were 50 years married, and we had a massive party, they actually arranged it pretty much themselves, because it was something they wanted to do.
Now my dad, god help him, pulled me to one side and asked me was I gonna be okay with it, I said of course, sure wasnt it a great thing for them and us.
Dad had already told me that himself was not invited even if the kids wanted him to be there, I said that it was fine and I had already made it clear that he would not be invited, I dont think he would have had any intention of going anyway to be honest.
Anyway, it was all set, and off we went, there was some crowd, most of the cronies of mam and dad, as it should be, and then loads of family and friends.
It amazed me how most of the people there did not know that myself and himself had split, I had many embarrassing  moments, especially with older people, who seemed to think that the fact they were ol dears, gives them the right to know your business, all your business.
Where is he?, the first one asked me, how come he is not here, so I took a deep breath and out it came, he left me, we are not together anymore!
What!!!!, Why!! how come no one told me. Then the endless questions, so I stuck with the story, he wasnt happy, must be a mid life crisis, I dont know.
Then one of my relations says, well isnt he the bastard! shame on him, and the whole table agreed, now when she had the floor she decides to go for the killer question. Has he another woman, I swear to god you think kids know how to make a show of you in public, try being out with an o.a.p.
I stuck with the he wasnt happy, and I dont know and then extracted myself from their company as quick as I could, to say my ears burned was definitely an understatement.
Despite those trips down mortification valley, I had a good time, the rest of the night was great, and mam and dad had a ball, and  it was a pleasure to be with them, and watch them enjoying their moment.
It did of course sadden me at times because you know what, I truly believed that as long as we were alive we would be together, and thought we would celebrate many many more wedding anniversaries ourselves, but those things are gone now, and I will not allow them to spoil other peoples moments, cause the truth is I still believe in marriages, and pray that my kids do to, at least mam and dad give them a real good example of hanging in there and to see them, waltzing around the floor, still like a pair of young ones, well it did the heart and soul good.
Thank god for the nice moments!

So two weeks had passed and Id heard nothing, after our last communication, we didnt really speak and I avoided being around him when he picked up the kids, it probably was a bad time for them too.
Sometimes I think it all just got on top of me, worrying about being a responsible adult in front of them, took some strain, and I think it showed, I guess Im  not as strong as I thought I was, and had many cryey days those weeks.  many many cryey days.

I hadnt heard a word in relation to the mortgage application, but he had default on the payment, because he just paid in the amount he had said he could afford, which was his half, and he was unable or unwilling to pay anymore, I didnt know what was ahead if they refused us again, so on the day of our mediation, I went there, it was another horrible time with him saying that was all he could afford, and it was his constitutional right to have a life, a reasonable standard of a life.
Now I think even the mediatior was sickened by this comment and said yes, but so are the other four people in the family entitled to this reasonable life also. He was not impressed, but it had started to dawn on me that in this there is really only him, for him, and the rest of us are a burden that he doesnt want to pay for, but still wants to feel like a father to his kids, its like he is oblivious to anyone elses pain other than his.  He said he was going to drop the forms in after the meeting he hadnt had time. Jerk

After the meditation, I stood at a bus stop, and decided that I would go with him to the bank, I rang him and he hadnt left, so he picked me up, I swear to God, I sat in the car like there was a gale force wind shoving me up against the door of the car, I so didnt want to be near him, when we got to the bank, we waited and then someone came down , we talked explained the situation, I of course bawled like the wet blanket I had become, and they said they would discuss it with their people, and get back to us.

About 2 hours later we got the call, and it was good news, despite the fact that I didnt want the interest only mortgage it was a million times better than a repossession order if I couldnt make the difference up on what he
was willing to pay.

You know He seems to be like the person who falls in shite and comes out smelling of roses, and me well Im the person who falls in roses and comes out smelling of shite!

So around this time, we are attending the mediation, I had agreed to apply for the interest only mortgage but I was not happy about it not happy at all, anyway the letter came back, it was refused, where did that leave us now. 
He of course went mad, blamed me, because I hadnt put enough expenses down, and I hadnt included his new rent amount, but he knew that before it went in, because I had discussed it with him at mediation and he had himself handed in the application and the letter was opened for him to look at, but of course that was all irrelevant, it was my fault.

So after a few choice words (quite a few actually), He was reapplying, and wanted to do the forms himself, so he wanted me to email my details to him, my full costs as he put it, so this is what I replied.

> Subject: the real cost
>
>
> For loving you for 23 years no charge
> For doing your laundry for 23years no charge
> For listening to your snoring for 23yrs no charge
> For having your 3 beautiful children no charge
> For having sex with you for 23 years no charge
>
>
> For listening to your lies no charge
> For believing your lies no charge
>
> For finding out about your lies FULL COST AVAILABLE
>
>
> The love of your wife
> The trust and respect of our family
> The kind thoughts people had for you,
> Joyous family moments of the future, that you being there will make uncomfortable for everybody else
> The roof over your childrens heads
> The good things in life that you took for granted> >
> That your children are embarrassed by you and what you have done to our life.
>
> Read it because up to this i dont think you have any idea of the cost of your actions on yourself and our family.
>
> next email i will send you the money cost so you can welch out of our life for a year.
>
I really dont think he liked the poetic nature of it cause this is his reply

 Subject: RE: the real cost
> >
> > I never took things for granted , that , I left to you ,
> >
> > To sit in a corner , and be forgotten about ,
> > to be pushed away , and feel so isolated , was way too much ,
> >
> > and as for the dismissal of what we had , well , that was how you made me feel for quite some time .
> >
> > And if my presence is so uncomfortable for everyone , then I'll wait to be invited , and if the invitation doesn't come , well then no one need be embarrassed ,
> >
> > THe love of my wife , well I felt like I was only needed when it suited you , which wasn't very often .
> >
> > So what I have done , I accept , but what you have done, you will never recognise or acknowledge .

and my next words to him on this was

what i dont understand is that you cannot see the pain and devastation you have caused me.  Your arrogance amazes me but your cruelty and dismissal of our life together, almost as if it never was for me what you pretended it was.
How did you get to be so horrible, and why did you continue to lie to me, how many lies have you told me, and who else are you lying to apart from yourself.
I hope you dont sleep at night and i hope you reap what you have sown.
Shame on you , whoever you are.
i am typing out the expenses you requested, damn you


I swear to god I do not know this man at all, and after that I dont think I want to know him either.....

So, after those wonderful words, of wisdom, I shall get back to the imparting of my misery upon you.

He's gone again, and the kids now know the story, and like I thought it has added another dimension of pain to them.  I can see the effect it has had on the youngest quite easily, I now have a new bed partner, and to be quite honest, it gives me comfort sometimes to have her there sleeping beside me.
She is a very unhappy lass, and when she came and apologised to me for being so angry with me when her dad was gone, my heart broke again, I told her it was okay, as it was a normal reaction to what was happening and that I understood, she seemed alright with that, she really is very young in herself  thank god.

That week was worse than the first week, because now the four of us knew where he was who he was with and yeah what he was doing with whore.

He developed this routine, of texting the three of them goodnight and that was the only text they got from him each day well each night at approx 11pm, it must have been a reminder group text, because towards the end of it they didnt even look up as their three phones beeped at the same time.  Stupid Man!

He came home, they didnt even look at the pressies he bought them, Now he always brought them something and that was ok, but they on this occassion were not impressed, but I think it was more with him than the earphones or whatever he brought.

The thing is he didnt realise how much these kids where hurt,  they said they were grand, and he believed them I guess he suffered the sister syndrome

Now as well as my best sister, who is without doubt truly the best sister
I have other sisters, they are nice good people and they do of course love me (most of the time), and I do of course love them (ditto), however, when they ask me how am I, and I say grand (my most commonly used term at the moment).
I think I almost hear the sigh of relief that escapes them from every orifiace, Its not that they don't really care, its just they dont have enough time in their lives for my problems.

I dont really have a big problem with that, except sometimes just sometimes I would like them to say to me, no seriously how are you? and dont dive for cover under the mundane goings on of daily life.

Our dad is really sick at the moment, scarily so, and it has encouraged me to see how as a family we have pulled together, it got a bit sticky on a few occassions, but instead of bitching, well I should really clarify that with as well as bitching, we called each other, said what was annoying us and as one of my sisters said " built a bridge, and got over it"

I have a brother as well, when we were kids, we were best buds, I love him to bits, but he can be such a dork at times, I have adapted an old saying to suit him, it "A sister is a sister the whole of your life, A brother is a brother till he takes a wife".  Now dont get me wrong his wife is great craic, and gets on with us all.
If you were stood in front of them they would think of you and give you any help or advice you wanted, but if you re not in front of them, well then you re not there.

So, my parting words of advice, if you do have a sibling, especially a sister, (because we sisters crave the sisterhood!), If she says to you "Im Grand " or the equivalent of that term, chances are she is not. Stop what you are doing, look her in the eye, and say no I mean it
HOW ARE YOU?.

So I have survived another suffer the martyr moment, sorry about that,
sometimes it just hits me, not usually when Im logged on.
Anyway I thought I would post another of my kept texts,
 it was after he had told the kids, and I  texted him my annoyance,
 ah what the hell I'll post both of them, guess I can be fair about that,
so mine first obviously

"You are a f..cking asshole, a special friend who is a woman in ....... One of the reasons we split.
Keep on lying to yourself but no more lying here"

Now obviously Ive took the offensive spelling out, Im so well behaved haha

"Whats your problem. You wanted me to tell them. Cant pleasu U.
Yes there were loads of reasons. U WILL NEVER acknowledge them.
Keep telling urself ur perfect"

Now there is no editing to political correctness on the replies from him
 that is the actual text,
 It still amazes me even to this day, so of course,
 I held my counsel, and let the moment go....NOT

" U told them because ur going back ovr to ur ...... whore. Im not perfect,
but u are a lying cheating scumbag who cant admit fault.
When u do cop on to yourself, call me to say you are sorry for the pain u caused,
but dont worry, Im not holding my breath. Goodbye".

Of course I should have put au revoir, because of course there was more, always there s more...

And then theres now, 12.30am friday night, and the kids are either in bed or off doing their own thing,
 and Im here and he is not coming home, and its awful, awful to be alone, unwanted discarded, where did this sadness come from and how come it snuck up on me, when I was doing so well.

I should be glad to be rid of him,  that there is no more lies or false beliefs,
that life is like the  fig roll taste buds ad  just on the tv,
crazy men doing crazy things.

And next week, Im going to a party, on my own, well with my friend and her hubby, and its the fourth party I ve been to this month, and I look good, great everyone says so, and I enjoy myself thoroughly, but dont drink too much, cause if I drink I let my guard down, and if I let it down, then I let me down, and I cry, even in front of people, and its embarassing for them, and for me, and feck it sure Im soooo strong, and sometimes Im just sick of it all,
being better off without him is not how it was suppose to be for me, for us,
and even as I write survival mode kicks in and the guard goes back up,
and I know I am better off with out him,
it just hurts

Its weird the way you would love to do something for ages, and then when its the last thing in the world you want you get what you wished for
I always wanted to go on jury duty, have a bit of a gra for the law, csi mad, and always trying to solve thrillers before the film ends if you know what I mean, anyway, I m in the middles of my chaotic life, and lo and behold I get summoned for jury duty.
Now its supposed to be really hard to get out of,
but I went there and asked the jury minder if I didnt want to do it for personal reasons what would happen, well he says, you can stand up in open court and tell the judge your reason for not wanting to do it,
  Like that was gonna happen!
So my number gets called, but you can be challenged by either side and not be a juror, so in i go with a line of people, there I am, rubbing the guardian angel card, my best sis gave me ages ago, for all I was worth,
 and guess what,
 you got it I was selected.
It was quite a bad sad case, and I really didnt want to do it, I rang up the next day, to see what would happen if I couldnt cope, they said because we had been sworn in, it may have to be cancelled and that would mean everyone involved would be back at square one, I couldnt do that, so I decided to go ahead and do my civic duty,
 jeez did I get sick of that term, being quoted at us.

My wonderful ex(s) response when he heard what I was doing, was,
why did you go and get yourself picked for that,
 so even a random selection of jury duty was my frigging fault as far as he was concerned.

Anyway, you know what maybe the angels were right for me that day, we sat together for  a long time this summer, not twelve angry men (well men and women), but twelve wonderful, open-minded adults, who allowed each other to voice opinion, made relevant comments, cleared up confusion for each other, laughed and cried, but what amazed me was the comradeship of our time together, I wrote a individual description of each juror as I had observed, maybe later on I will post it, to me it was one of my classics.

The best thing about the trial was I met these wonderful people, one in particular has had a very positive affect on my life, when I saw her enter the room, I thought oh shit, kate moss is on board,
 then she opened her hilarious mouth and fun came into mine,
also she is the reason Im here writing this blog ( well apart from him of course),
I showed her my classic juror description and she nagged me into doing this,
for that I thank you blondie! you are helping my soul recover.

The case I was on was pretty awful, it was long and ardous, and let me tell you, there were times in that trial that I thanked the lord that the troubles he gave me, where not the ones I was listening to each day, and I realise now that each day I went there meant I wasnt crying about my own misery, and the days passed and yes I was stronger.
I find it weird to say that it was a wonderful experience for me, but it was, maybe its because we were lucky we had a good group, maybe it was my incessant rubbing of the angel card on day one, but now Im glad I was there, and it was so good to know and feel that at the end of it all Justice was served and I helped.

Now, after the last time he went to whore, and my distress, then his half hearted attempt at a reconcilation, I told him that if he decided to go to whore again, he had to tell the kids about whore, and if he didnt I would, simple as that!
Anyway, we finished a particularly distressing meditation, and I get a text from him,  "I'm gonna talk to the kids",
I knew what that meant, he was F ing off again to whore, and he knew my promise to him was not an idle one, once he went there, the secret was coming out, my way or his whichever
.
So on the weekend he had time with them, no dont get me wrong he does spend time with them, I have to be fair on that one, I dont want to be fair understand but thats the make up of me.

They helped him move into his new gaff, about 20mins drive away from our hometown, so it was a difficult day for them, but this was the way it was going to be and they were old enough to have to deal with the reality that sometimes its a shitty life.

I wasnt expecting them home until evening time but they came home at about four in the afternoon, The two girls looked very unhappy and the oldest lad went straight upstairs, now he already knew about whore, as he was at college and when he asked both of us he was told the truth, he asked us separately so Im not sure who told him first but it doesnt really matter, he was there to support the girls.

Nobody said anything to me, I didnt know what the story was, so I went up and asked my son, what had happened, he wanted me to wait to for them to tell me in their own time, so I said I wouldnt let on I knew, so he told me that, Dad had said that he had a special friend in germany, and that it was a woman and that he was going to see her on thursday, this week, I couldnt believe it did he think they were three years old?

So I went down stairs, said nothing, and waited for them to open up.  The youngest was not in form at all, it was awful, so the older girl opened up and spoke in front of her, told me word for word what he had said, asked me did I know, so I said yes, that she was the reason that we had split, the youngest jumped up and said "what do you mean? Dad was cheating on you? I thought she was a new person", its amazing how  even though you think that kids understand stuff, they dont. It was very hard to see her distress, the older girl had known instantly he said it that this was the real reason for the split, and not the dads unhappy bullshit, but then again I dont think she ever swallowed that story anyway.

He didnt give them much time to get used to it, and he headed off for his 6 week rations.  I told him he was an asshole, for how he told them, and going so soon, he said, sure theres no pleasing you anyway, I was the one who insisted they be told, so I brought it on myself. I was right he is an asshole!