Now the cost for both of us has two very different meanings,
In his book it is the money, always about the money.
For two weeks of every month he is very affable, his demeanour is pleasant, then payment was due, and the poor me syndrome kicked in, the I cannot afford food, petrol, and I had to put up with texts and emails for at least a week and a half every month, now this has been up to this very day, because he paid monthly, or in most cases he didnt pay monthly.
So will it be like that every week now? probably.
When he decided three months into the split that he was no longer covering the full cost of the mortgage, which was the bill he had always paid in our marriage and I covered the rest of the housebills etc, he decided he was paying half, his half, no more no less.
Now that would be acceptable, if he also paid half the cost of having three kids, but no it was the value of his half the mortgage and he was sticking with that, Now I am a worrier, I hate conflict really, but there was no way, and I mean no way I was accepting that, for the simple reason, I couldnt manage with that, it just couldnt happen.
The mediation we went through was horrific for me, and I guess for him too, although he seemed mostly to be hardened to me, now in fairness not all the time, just most of it.
At the end of this mediation I was not a happy bunny, he was not a happy bunny, so was it worth it,
I dont know,
if he pays what he agreed to at this mediation, maybe I will manage provided nothing drastic happens, I dont get sick, and have to be off work, and the status quo with the mortgage at interest only remains,
maybe I will manage.
The cost to me of this separation although the money matters, of course it matters, the biggest cost to me, is my life, and I mean my whole life with him.
My past with him is called into question,
he has decided that now he has been unhappy for six years, six years,
it started with two years the amount of time he was with whore,
then it went to four years, dont know what significance he has there,
and now we are at six years, the length of time we had moved to be nearer our families,
he has decided that he was forced to move nearer my family although at the time,
it was his dad who had cancer, and he was glad to be near his mam and dad,
to support them, I of course was glad to be here also,
but we made this decision together, he knows this deep down,
its just easier for him, his excuses start there.
My present, I am now a woman on her own,
no longer secure that I have a good man, a good marriage and a loving family.
Now my kids love me I know this, but the effect of us splitting is visible to the eye in my children, they are confused, uncomfortable, and worried,
they are afraid to show to much attention to him, in case I am upset,
and at the same time the dont want to lose their dad,
I have reassured them that he is there for them, that he loves them and we will always be their parents, but he has let them down a few times, and made some bad choices in their eyes.
I hate having to go to parties or family events or anything to be honest,
I feel so alone, so vunerable, and even though the thought probably never enters peoples minds I think they are looking at me, poor me.
My left hand still feels like there is something wrong, something has been amputated, I wore rings for 24 years on my wedding finger and now there is nothing there, and even after eight months, I still feel they are missing.
I miss him shocking, we talked, we laughed,we loved, we shopped,
we watched football together, went to gaa games, concerts,blah blah,
and now I have none of that,
I feel like a spare part sometimes, most times.
My future, the kids were suppose to grow up, go to college, fall in love, travel the world, give us grandchildren for us to babysit, and our future was suppose to be together.
We talked about retiring to Spain, enjoying our old age in the sunshine,
yeah it was probably a bit rose coloured glasses,
but to me we were working towards this, this is what it was all about,
we had our youth, our fun and laughter,
and the present years were the hard slog,
but the future was what we worked towards, who knew what it held
but it was there waiting for us.
Now I am afraid,
afraid of the future, for the thoughts of being alone, unwanted, unloved.
afraid of the present, alone, unwanted, unloved.
afraid of the past, that all the time I thought I was with someone
who loved me wanted to be with me,
I really was alone, unwanted, and yeah unloved.
My cost was he took all of that away from me,
all of it.
