One interesting thing a caring friend :)
said to me, be careful, you might seem like you are going off men.
The truth is I am, soooooo off men,
except for my dad and my son of course.

Whilst I am off men, I do appreciate the visual qualities of a good looking man,
George Clooney, mmmm
Sean Bean, mmm
Gavin Henson mhmhmm

None of these are ever likely to mosey over my way,
I did meet a gorgeous man on my jury duty, way out of my league, but a definite mmmmmmhmmm and Im sure I will meet and love again,just not until I have got over the man I loved and lost boohoo.

I am in a strange mood, sorry, lots of poopoo in my life today.

I was working, it was snowing, and the kids were going
to spend the day with him, for the first time in almost 2 weeks,
are they complaints, well maybe the snowing and the working bit,
well maybe the snowing bit, because I need to be working to pay the bills, well maybe not the snowing bit, because when I got up at 6am, and looked out my window the world looked beautiful and pure, so that has to be a good thing doesnt it.

Anyway, I'm working and I get an email from him, I had texted him the night before because I heard from my son, that his nanny, was not well and G was bringing her to the hospital, I said I hoped she was ok, now I may have mentioned before that we never got on, so its not that we have a good relationship but I dont wish any ill to her.

He says she is fine, and I say thanks for the update.

Half an hour later he emails that his car wont, start
and he cant pick up the girls, now I know just by the tone of his email, that he is geniunely upset that he wont be spending this day with them, the bitch in me says it is because he is not with whore,
but the mam in me says they need to spend this time with him,
because every day that has passed since he came back has increased their anger and annoyance with him.
Why didnt he come and bring them to school a
couple of the mornings during the week,
after he got back, he should have,
I suppose I should have suggested it to him,
but why cant he think of that himself, because of course he is a stupid man.
We have already established that havent we!

So I took a long lunch, unofficially
it was two breaks rolled into one, but it was grand we were quiet, noone was out its too cold and too snowy, so I nipped home and dropped them to him, first time I'd been outside his house, nice neighbourhood.
It was also the first time, I realised he had a home phone, so I had a bit on snot on me,(meaning I was annoyed) because I had often had trouble getting him to hear his phone in the mornings and once it took me an hour to get him to wake the hell up, when our son was sick and needed to be brought home from college when I was working, anyway, I got his home number from him, he said it never occurred to him, surprise surprise.

I'm in poor me mode I think, or if not poor me,
megga bitch, yep I think that might be it.

Mostly my weekend was okay, I had the good day on thursday with my mate, and then the evening with my sister, so it was actually a day off for me, I didnt spend much time with mam and dad either so it was different than it has been for me for a very long time.

I love my parents, so much and want to be there for them, but I think my brain knew it needed so time for itself, myself, I guess, even as I write this I feel selfish and I know Im not, but I worry about them so much, especially dad, who is struggling with his own illness and then struggling with mam's also, she wavers in and out of the present, and is very contrary most of the time, when she has a difficult day, we all have a difficult day, especially dad.

Saturday, dawned bitterly cold, with frost on the ground, I hate the cold, it just chills me to my core, I have been know to say it would freeze the tits of a mermaid! Crude I know but its because If I can feel the cold right there what the heck does the poor mermaid feel. haha

I didnt do much on Saturday just two hours of ironing in the morning, and then I spent three hours on the phone chatting to a new friend, who can talk just as good, maybe even better than me, it was good for me, I like her mind, it is very similar to mine, and I recognised ideas and opinions she had like my own. Thanks for that my dear.

The kids where like who are you talking too?, and what can you talk to someone that long about, so I did the old trick that mam used to use to us as kids, and tapped the lenght of my beak. NOSEY NOSEY.
They were so not impressed, but it was a laugh.

My oldest is making a christmas cake this year, her first ever, and I'm helping, well Help is what I should be saying, culinary skills are not my forte. Anyway we are trying, I suggested she make him one also, and it is supposed to be a easy cake to make, a fruit porter cake, so we shall see, I do so hope it goes well for her, she is a lovely lovely girl, and is struggling with our new way of life, well we all are, but she is so quiet, anway, Im not going into the misery today, lets hope the cake is good, and if not we ll try again, plenty of time anyway...

So I'm at work today anyway, and that poor mermaid, must be in bits, so I'm wearing a tshirt, shirt, jumper, and coat if I have to go out, so noone would even recognise my gender Im that well wrapped up, I did say I hate the cold didnt I..

Yesterday, was a combination day,
That means I had good moments, bad moments, sad moments, funny moments,
Sure we women are great multitaskers anyway...

I went shopping with my friend, she is my newly divorced unhappy friend,
well maybe Im being a bit to general with the unhappy term, because she is a happy person normally, its just she loves and misses her husband desperately.
I miss my husband, and think he is desperate at the same time,
is that similar to her feelings, no, I dont think so.

So we went shopping, she needed some new outfits, she has gone up a few sizes recently,
and I nearly had a mini fit when I discovered that she was wearing pregnancy trousers, as I called them.
Now women, no matter how much weight you put on, DO NOT slip into the old maternity wear you have in the press,
they are by design made for comfort and expansion,
get to the shops, get the right size jeans or trousers or whatever,
and put them on, jeans in particular are designed to hold it all in, not let it all out!!
Leave the maternity wear for the pregnant blessed amongst us.

Now thank god, this girl, loves me, as I love her, because true to form, I ate the head off her,
now not literally you understand, anyway she has way too much hair for me to chew on. haha
I gave her the truth, that she is a beautiful woman, who has let things slide a little, in the body department, and she needs to take care of herself, not for him, or anyone else but for her.
She asked me how this had happened to her, how had she gone up two sizes, so the totally undiplomatic me, took over, and told her it was because she had sat on her arse and ate for the last six months.

So she looked at me, and I looked at her, and the woman in the next dressing area looked at us both, and we burst out laughing, it was gas..
She got some nice gear, we shopped for about 6 hours, she was exhausted, I was exhilarated, Im a shopper, I love it not matter who is buying Im for it.

We were supposed to be going out to a comedy show, that night, but she was wrecked so was I when we got home, thank heaven for the takeaway meals.
OH Yeah her diet starts tomorrow.

So she headed home, and I was gearing up for a lazy night, and my best sister arrived, she was surprising me with coming to the show with us. OOPS, we blew that one, so we went for a quiet drink, down town and chatted, she is so good for me for my soul.

When I came home, I looked at facebook to see pictures of my friends new baby to show my best sister, and got a kick in the ass, there amongst the pictures of her family and friends and her new baby, and her wedding which we were at a few years ago, there he was, standing just taking a picture of the wedding, but he was in one of her photos.
Ah well, I just gotta get used to that, those unexpected moments, at least I was at home, and at least I didnt cry, just shook me a bit.

So Im gonna be taking some of the advice, I gave to my friend yesterday, and try and live my life for me, about me.
No point in preaching if I dont practice is there.

Well he is home, if he ever was away,
why do I say this, it is because the times of departure
and arrival he gave to the kids dont add up, to the flight schedule, but they add up to whore having come here, so I am tormenting myself, why, I dont know I guess its just, well its just hard, to let go.

I should be more like my thirteen year old, last night she told me her dad rang, she said it very sarcastically, so I asked her what was the problem, there is no problem she said, other than the fact that is the first time we heard from him since last thursday, or maybe it was wednesday night.

I knew she was megga pissed at him, they all are, why is he such a sap,
with them, sure they should be his priority, but then at the moment he has only one priority, him.

So I asked her what did he say, how was his form, did he say anything about his trip, I was of course fishing, shouldnt be I know, but like I said, I want to know everything he says everything he does, Im a saddo.

Her answer was quite simple and conversation ending at the same time.
I dont know how he is, how his trip was, what type of time he had,
I AM NOT INTERESTED, in anything he does when he is with her or he is over there, as far as I am concerned when he goes there, that time for me does not exist, if he choses her and him over us, if he cant even make a call to see if I need him, or to say goodnight,
then I dont want to know about, him or his life for those days,
and I dont know why on earth you would want to know anything about it either.

I really didnt know what to say to her, these are the moments when I want to applaud her and say good strong girl, he is a scumbag, you are dead right!! that was the wife in me, the mam in me, went over to her, hugged her, told her, I was sorry, and that although her dad was a stupid man doing stupid things at the moment, he was still her dad and he loved her, he was just making mistakes at the moment and it would get better.

She hugged me back, and said yeah maybe, we ll see.
Mam I want to watch Im a celebrity and desperate housewives can we watch it in your bed tonight. So I said yeah,that would be great, packed up and we went to bed.

I had a real fun day on saturday,
My sister,the 2nd oldest,and her hubby,came over and
we cleared out my dads shed, there was about twenty years of "good" crap in it.
We had a massive skip and we filled it in about 4.5 hours, now we had to watch mam like a hawk, because she kept trying to take things back out, even though she had okayed the dumping in the first place.

One thing she would not give back was a old umbrella, that wouldnt work, it was bent and broken, but she says it has sentimental value, so I said, okay, Ill get it back out for you, and I did, who am I to judge the value of her memories.
My god the amount of stuff, that people keep, bits of wood that is put to one corner just in case, old radios,lamps,bric a brac, and then it just fills the corner more and more each year.
The sad part of most of the stuff was that it would have been good only a storm blew the shed roof off a while ago, and when it was replaced it wasnt sealed properly and rain leaked in so alot of it was rotten or rusted. My dad is also a hoarder, he doesnt want to throw anything away, but he decided to clear it, I didnt question him too much at to why, I was just glad, we tidied up the shed for him and it looks great now, my brother in law worked like a trojan, and a steam train all together. Good for him.
My younger sister arrived with lunch for us, and we had a laugh, I was mucked up to the eyeballs, I think it is the tomboy in me, of course, I had to get into the skip to move stuff back. I enjoyed it, it was hard work but good craic.
We were supposed to clear out the garage, but it was too much for mam, she wouldnt allow anything to go out of there, so we left it, anyway the skip was full from the shed I think dad will have to get another one to clear anywhere else out.
I think we will leave that until the spring. haha.

Sometimes these miss you days are not helped by the people I meet,
I went shopping to the local supermarket, now I know some people know and some dont, sure that is grand, what can you do.

One of the operators in the supermarket, came up to me, and was chatting you know when they are dying just dying to chat with you about your situtation, I didnt really mind, it was just I was a bit fragile,
a bit down.
So anyway she is separated years, and Im expecting her to gee me up, you know you'll be grand, and what does she say to me,
You know its awful, I am so alone, christmas is coming and you cant rely on the kids when they grow up, to be with you, they have their own lives to lead, it almost 11 years since Im on me own, it just gets harder.

So now Im at the Holy Jesus, stage, lets end this conversation rapid.
I said ah you should have got yourself another man, you dont need to be on your own, just because he is gone, and the kids are grown,
why didnt you go out a get a new life, new people,
I said the worse possible thing, because she replied,
oh yeah I did that, and he was a disaster,
I couldnt trust him, couldnt relax about him, it was awful.
So I said, well thanks for that comforting thought, I feel so much more worse than I did before we spoke,
thats a depressing life for me now isnt it.
Oh she goes I didnt mean you, I mean thats just me, but its so hard sometimes.
Great I think, that is over, but no the other girl on the check out, says, sure you have a lovely man, what are you worried about, your chap is great, arent ye here all the time together.
OOPS
Nope, I said, he left me, we are separated, gone forever,
her jaw nearly hit the floor, and her eyes did the pop out of their sockets dance. It would have been funny,
if I wasnt feeling so goddam miserable at the time.

Well, she says are you sure, how funny was that one.
Are you sure?
Yes I am sure, in fact positive I said.
Oh I didnt mean that, anyway, has he got another woman,
even her friend the starter of this shitty conversation
gasped at that one.
I would rather not discuss that if you dont mind I said,
Well what I mean is, she says, if he has another woman,
then you can go out and get another man, it means you have the right.
Jesus where do these women come from?
Anyway, because my snot was up by the intrusion of their conversation,
I said,
whether he has another woman or not, the fact that I am separated
means I am entitled to get another man,
if I want to,
I dont need to consider why or how he feels or why or how he left.
Is that okay with you,
and then I grabbed my bags and walked away, nose in air, oh yeah.
I stopped just as she called me, shit I had forgotten to pay,
so I blamed them, saying ye got me muddled and fuddled,
with all that chat,
but I was mortified and yeah it was my fault,
but we were all silly bitches that day.

What wrecks my head in all of this, and I mean really wrecks my head,
is how come when he is such a shit,
and he gives me such a hard miserable time,
How come I wake up this sunday morning and I miss him.

Firstly WHY IN THE NAME OF GOD, would I miss him
he is over there with whore, certainly NOT missing me,
but there it is, I am here in my bed with my 13year old asleep
beside me, and I feel lonely and lost.

In what ways I miss him are very simple,
I miss him as a husband,
as the father to my children,
as a lover,
as my partner,
as my helper,
as my friend.

These are all the things I thought we had together, for 24 years,
Well husband for 23, father for 20.5, but the rest for 24 years.
Well I guess I dont know for him how long he was those things to me really,
and how long or how many years he was pretending, lying whichever.

I was recently having a chat with my brother, we were doing some work,
in Mam and Dad's, We were just chinwagging, nothing in particular, and 15 times
during that chat, I called my brother, His (my ex) name,
it was frigging annoying to both of us, I think my brother,
didnt know whether it was delibrate or not,
most definitely not, and it happens sometimes.

I guess they are miss you moments too.

Im figuring these are perfectly normal reactions,
and when they happen, they do sadden me,
not to a wailing widow, but a deep down in the pits
of my soul sadness.

On the opposite side of all of this, the question,
would you take him back, always always remains the
dettol dipped,and rolled in gold answer, no never not a hope,
and that is pretty much the crux of my life, about him
not a hope.

To continue with yesterdays saga,
well the agreement is still holding, for all that is worth,
because to qualify it he said, he will do his best to make the
payments but if some of the weeks he just cant afford it
then he just cant afford it and he will let me know in advance of that week.
Sure isnt that just wonderful,
why wouldnt I be happy with that deal,
what the hell is the matter with me.

The mediator, told us that she needed to advise us
that we must go to a solicitor and that we needed to get this into a court agreement.
When she said this she said did I understand that,
I assured her that I knew exactly that, I think she was spelling it out for me
that this was the only way to go, for me to secure whatever payment I could get out of him
How awful is that, how awful is he.

Then we nearly hit a brick wall, because the threat that I had made regarding whore
was brought up. I have to say for the first time I felt someone in my corner in that room
The mediator replied, that is perfectly understandable that would be a normal reaction, and it is in your best interests to make sure that whore and m do not meet. He was horrified, he had expected me to be told that was unacceptable, to be honest so had I, but rah rah, she didnt.
Now she did say maybe that will lessen, maybe not, but it is extremely important that you recognise that is what m is entitled to feel these feeling towards whore, of course she pronounced it her, but that is not where I am at.

So he repeated his position if I go near whore, the deal is off null and void, and I will have to drag him through the courts to get one penny from him. Sap again.
I laughed at him, told him to keep the tart away and it wont come to that, but I get the feeling he is panicking and therefore he must be intending to bring whore into my domain.
Ah well, that will be something to write about now wont it.

Well I had a lovely time today,
NOT.

My husband or should I say ex, finally told me,
shouted at me that he hates me,
HATES ME!!

I will admit that he was very stressed at the time,
things were not going his way,
he didnt like hearing that, it was not right
he had sent me nasty emails, that he had indeed left me short
of the agreed amount, Oct end.
Like all this is news to him amazes me.


So he lost the plot, and was quite vicious, and agitated, when he
leaned over and told me he hates me,hates me. Of course the bitch rose in me,
and I told him it was no surprise to me that he felt that way, because
he had lied and cheated on me for two years, it was hardly love and compassion
he was feeling for me. I told him, he should be ashamed of himself that despite
what he had done to me, I did not hate him.

The mediator was not happy, god help her, I wonder where we her worst
cases, (nightmare) the strain of our mediation must be horrendous.
I know it was for me.

We had a few bad moments,
another shitty thing he did was to point at me,
quite vigorously and shout at me
that it was all my fault anyway, my fault my fault.
What a sap (I seem to be liking this word in relation to him lately.)

I of course, seen that one coming,
more and more in our communications he has told me it was my fault,
but that doesnt wash with me, and I will never accept it, ever.

If only he had told me,back then,
it was him who had the feelings of not loving me,of wanting something
more from me,
If only.

My world is full of if only at the moment,

If only he had told me, how he was really feeling
If only he had never gone there,
If only he had resisted whore,
If only he had chosen me, our children,
If only he had more thoughts for us,
If only he had loved us enough
If only he had shown remorse
If only he had seen the error of his ways
If only he had manned up, and accepted responsibility
If only he had done one of these things, it would have helped.
If only, If only.

I wish I could afford to tell him, F off, I dont need your money, we can manage,
but of course we can't, I can't

Today I had another classic example, of his lack of responsibility with
money issues.
He had told our daughter weeks ago
she could go on a school trip, that I had said I didnt think we could afford,
He said he would pay the first 100, I would agree to pay the second 150,
and he would pay the last 150, so she could go.
It is due this week, he is off to whore valley,
so I needed him to pay up, she rang him to remind him,
and he said he would have it today,
he gave me 100, said that was all he had
anyway why should he pay the extra 50. Why indeed?
So when I came home and she asked did he pay, what did I tell her,
what do you think, I told her yes, he paid,
its not her fault,
I dont want her to feel like its her fault, I got stuck, and anyway,
maybe he is right, I should only expect him to pay half, I should be glad,
he paid half. It just maddened me, that he did that, I would rather he had said
no mam is right, we have alot on, its too near christmas, blah blah, but he didnt
so there it is, sure I'll be grand, I ll be grand.

Tomorrow is another mediation day,
I thought I had finished with all this,
but as you know, he didnt play ball, and now we going in there again.

Everything is such a mess.

Of course I wish none of this had ever happened,
but I do not wish that as it has happened I don't know about it.
I would never want to go to being that stupid woman, who thought she had a good strong man in her life, I wouldnt say I thought the sun shone out of him, because after 24 years together I knew the faults he had, or to correct that thought I knew the faults he had.

I do miss him, yes, especially on days like today when one of the kids has a sick tummy, and I'm in work and she wants to stay home from school, now she is old enough to be home from school on her own, but I dont like it.

Normally she would only be home alone for about an hour and a half from when he goes to work at 2.30, til her sister came home from school,but that is different now. I hate it, I hate what his actions have done to our family our life.

What a sap.

Anyway, I suppose I'm really wound up because of tomorrow, how will this go, I'm hoping that we come out with the same agreement, financially, but I'm not sure, the threat he made if I dont stop going on about whore, to withdraw his agreement to pay, and drag me through the courts is still a possibilty, but F him, I will not withdraw the threat to him to keep whore away from me, because I am not a liar, and I will more than likely as we call it go for her, cause in my book, she is to blame more than him, because she should have said no, she should have sent him home to his wife and children, she knew.

Yes he is responsible but as I have said before, if it werent for women like whore, there would not be women like me.

I do of course believe that we women are the stronger sex, and that no matter where the blood flow is strongest, we WOMEN still think with our brains.

Well Im still here, the form is returning,
It was helped alot at the weekend,
by of course my best sister
who after a hard days work,
got into her car and drove the 65miles, up to me
now we didnt go out, neither of us where in the form for that,
but we just chatted called him the bo..ox he is.

Complained about the behaviour of my oldest sister,
and she healed me.
The effect of my oldest sister's behaviour really dragged me down,
I guess its because, I expect him to be a pig, and not care, but for her,
to diss on me, and really our mam and dad, it just astounded me.

One of my other sisters, also came over, she came early on saturday, she did loads of tidying in mams she too hugged me, and told me, not to worry, she and the youngest sister, had talked and we were going to sort out a rota, where no one person was left with all the chores, and that really helped, its so what I wanted and needed to hear.

She also told me, the oldest sister, was adamant she was not going to helpout with tidying the house, she was willing, good jesus, willing to visit but too busy to clean, to fecking lazy, thats the truth.
Ah well, I guess I have a cheaper christmas card list
this year all round.

The situation is very simple today,
I am still wallowing, now, dont worry,
I am getting there,
I will get there,
its just that today,
well today is not a good day.

Sorry, Im still wallowing, maybe tomorrow

Over the last few weeks, actually since the crap
he pulled with the first payment, I have noticed a change in me,
It seemed to me I am more negative, more down, more struggling.

I wondered what the heck is happening, I should be getting stronger, not weaker, I should be rebuilding not breaking down.

Last night, over a family matter, I had a disagreement with one of my other siblings, obviously not, my best sister, I asked her to give me help with the household chores in my parents house, as they need help.

Now, I do realise this is supposed to be about his mid life and my crisis, but I guess this crisis is not helped for me by his mid life.

So in the heel of the hunt anyway, this other sister does not want to help because my mam is hard work, she is ill and contrary.

I told her even one day every third week, we all could share it out.
She said if mam shouts at she is refusing to do it. Now of course mam is going to shout at her, we all have to put up with that.

I told her, the way things were with me, I work a three day on three day off week, I needed help, I couldnt manage, she looked my square in the eye, and said you are not the only one with problems in your life.

I told her if she wouldnt help me, then she could f..k off!, so she got her bag and she left.

After much ranting and raving and crying, realisation dawned on me, I now have a name for what I have been feeling for the last three weeks, and never before have I really experienced the true meaning of this word until last night.

OVERWHELMED!!

I am totally overwhelmed by all the shit going on in my life, and its not nice, its not a warm and awesome feeling, its lonely it desolate and its awful, but at least now I know what the heck it is.

Tomorrow, I am going to do something about it, today I am going to wallow!

As I dont sleep alot at night, well I sleep at night,
its the four am to 8am, I seem to have problems with,
the rubbish that enters swirls around and then leaves my mind,
its absolutely head wrecking.

Last night, of course it was about him, me, them, everything
I rehashed yesterdays blog, and thought maybe I was a bit harsh,
maybe he isnt as bad towards me, I dont think he hates me, I am
just very annoying, you know like the fly you just want to swat
away forever.

So when I got up this morning and after I had dropped the girls
to school, I reread what I had written yesterday with full intentions
of changing or clarifying what I had published.

I reread it anyway, and guess what, no, no changes, it was and is correct.

Some days I just sit and wonder what has been the worse thing of all this,
is it the deceit,the betrayel, the loss,
I guess on different days its different things that are worse,
but everyday, every single day,
the hardest thing for me to take is the horrible way he treats me.

I dont understand how this man, could have lived the life and the lies,
for over a two year period, anyway, but how could he have hidden the
feelings, disrespect, dislike, and what at times borders on hate, that
he has for me.

Now I know that in order for him to live with his conscience
or lack of maybe, he has to pass the blame away from him,
I understand that, I know that he has done that, its all my fault
according to him, even in the screaming banshee conversation, he said to
me, "If you had of looked after me properly in the home, then I wouldn't
have had to go elsewhere would I".
Of course that set poor banshee about three octaves higher
than I was already at.
I do as I said know that this is the tactic
that lying cheating scumbags take,
but does this information help me.
No.

My best sister, she can't understand him either, she says he lied so well
why cant he just lie to you again. What is his problem?, why cant he just
pretend he gives a shit, say he is sorry and let on he accepts responsibility.

That of course would be nice, but then as I have just said, he is no longer nice
to me, I guess he no longer needs to be nice he is getting nothing from me now,
only grief and that doesnt count in his book,
I dont count in his book.

So the draft agreement arrived, and I sat down and read it, I knew once I had read it, that we would have to meet again, to be honest that suited me, because he had defaulted with the agreed payment that month, and I felt that he had to be told that the financial agreement had to be followed in order to be acceptable.

The first wrong thing was our wedding date, a minor mistake,
but I guess it was apt that the mistakes started there.

Next was the fact that they had included the mortgage protection,
and house insurance with the payment figure
that was only supposed to include his half the mortgage and child support,
If that remained included, it meant he was giving about three euro a week per child, Im not having that,
and to be honest I doubt he would have that either.

Then they had it down that I had a medical card for me and the kids,
and I dont I have a doctor visit card,
which will be a great help, but everything else I pay for,
there were a few other small mistakes,
mostly typo easily corrected,
but it gave me enough to look for another meeting.

I called them, Whilst they agreed, he had to also confirm willingness to attend, and would I call them, I so did not want to do that,
I'm trying not to call or text him at all,
because I know Im so pissed at what he did at month end
that I'm avoiding him
because I know if I start, that screaming banshee may take hold of me again,
and Im trying to keep her under control.

So I texted, he replied it looked okay to him apart from the date,
I sent him the error's as I saw them,
he didnt seem impressed so I called, and he agreed,
I guess he just wanted me to call him.

Of course, because I called, that screaming banshee came anyway,
and mother of god, what an appearance she made,
and he now has a new issue for our meeting, the privacy part
where he is entitled to have privacy with his new partner,
NEW PARTNER!!!
all this because I told him if I saw whore, I would rip whore head off
and shove it up whore ass,
I don't know what did he expect me to say,
how nice to meet you, hope you are enjoying my husband
and your stay in Ireland.

Nope I dont think so.

Part of the finalising of the family mediation service, is that the agreement is brought to a solicitor and drafted to a legal document, the other party's solicitor then agrees with the document, and it is submitted into court as a legal document.

I went to the solicitor, I didn't have the copy of the document with me, as I was still awaiting for the typed version, but I needed to see how much it would cost so I was going around to get costs, and compare advice etc. Thank god as I have said before for this recession at times, it means you get free advice from a solicitor on first consultation, so I was hoping to do this over the next few weeks.

So anyway, I went to one, he was based in the locality, but I dont know him, suits me. He took the details, he seems like a nice guy, he asked me loads of questions, and then he told me what I already knew, that I was getting a poor deal, I seemed to be meeting all educational, medical, insurance bills, and he was paying half the mortgage and 38euro a week per child. He told me that it should be more, I explained how difficult it had been to get to this stage, and this amount, and that it looked like the first payment was going to be short anyway. I showed him the email and texts that himself had sent me, and he was totally unhappy with these.

He advised me of my options, told me which one he thought was going to be beneficial to me, told me the costs, which although is dear was not as bad as I thought it could be, and asked me what I wanted to do.

I told him I was going to try and get the agreement into court so that it could be enforced if he defaulted, but didnt really want to start a court battle with him, so I was prepared to accept the payment in the agreement if I could get the cash off him every week, I told him if I could afford it I would not look for a penny off him, but I couldnt, so that option was not available and I was not prepared just to draft a legal document, without court enforcement, so it looks like that will be my route and hope for the best with the payments.

He said it was up to me, but all things considered, he did not trust my ex to make the payments by himself, and his behaviour up to this had not been that of an honourable man, and his advice to me was with him or a different solicitor, make it a enforceable document.

My time with the solicitor was nearly up, he asked me the last question, he said it was very important, and very necessary for him in order that he does what is legally required by him to me.

Is there any chance of hope of a reconcillation between you and your husband.

I looked him square in the eyes, drew my breath, and said what I have been thinking for a long time now.

"Not If He was Dipped in Dettol, and Rolled in Gold, would I take him back ever"

Okay said the solicitor, I'll put that down as a no then.

So, where I am at now is the mortgage has been paid, the oil tank half filled instead of filled, because he left me short, and the christmas pot is not started yet, but it will, I will,

Now because his drama over the cash to be paid, has passed I get the nicey nicey texts, you know what he asked me, by text of course, had I decided what to do about christmas gifts,

you know santa, the kids of course know there is no santa, but that doesn't mean in our house there is no santa. I reckon most if not all houses are the same, when the kids get older, they are harder to please, its not the wrapping paper or the box they are interested in anymore.

Again I have wandered off the topic, sorry, anyway, Did I want to do christmas for the kids separate or together, now last month, the youngest told me she thought she would like a santa sack, and that it would be a joint like always, and I was kinda giving that a yes, but now, I am afraid if I agree to that, I will be stuck buying everything, so after much thought and I do mean that much thought, I told him No that I felt it was in my best interest to get our own gifts and that we could consult on what each other was doing to save doubling up. I also added that as things were bad between us, I didnt think it was a good idea.

He was put out, I knew by the "Fine, whatever, and I know already what the girls want they told me before. and then What do you mean things are bad?

I just didnt bother replying, and at least three days passed with no contact and although sometimes I dont know whether I want to hear from him, or not, I do believe it is more now that I dont want to hear from him, he just annoys me all the time.

I do believe planet G is very foggy that he cannot see the wood for the trees!

His story is very simple, I cannot afford what we agreed to pay, this month, I will try and pay the agreed payments for the following month as it is changing to weekly payments and I should be able to manage that.

Should be,

It amazes me the attitude of this man, who shared my life, my love, my family, and yes my bed, these are his kids, and they need a roof over their heads, does he think I have a camen island bank account out there somewhere, a stash of money, that I had been putting to one side for the day he fecked off and left me, perhaps,because he must have been planning to leave us, he thinks I had made plans myself for the just in case.

I have no idea what the heck he thinks about my finances and I dont really care, because alls I know is when he left me short, he did exactly that, he left me short, I had to at a weeks notice, find 200euros to pay the difference of what he was supposed to pay, and it hurt the bank account, Christmas is coming my son has a 21st birthday in the new year and Im so afraid for my future, and how will I manage if he continues to default, and I think he will.

In our past, the only thing I did not trust this man with was money, he was useless at paying bills, I always took control of that end of things, there would always be something he would need cash for and the bills were put to one side if it was left to him.

For the first time in our married life, we were meeting bills on time, there was always a little something in the bank, little but something, and now that security was all gone and worse because I didnt know what the next week held for me, will he pay or will he not, sometimes when I doubt myself (believe me I regularly doubt myself now), I think I must be some major bitch to have this type of return in life, the distress, the worry, the fear, and yeah the abandonment, sometimes it just overwhelms me, and yeah life is so not fair.

I do of course understand that there are people out there much much worse off than me, and I see people dealing with physical illness, hardship, and pain and I know that I should be glad Im not dealing with their troubles, but some of my philosophy in life has been that while I acknowledge other peoples troubles and tragedies, when I close the door at night and turn off the light,
it is my troubles,
my sadness at the mess my life is in
that keeps me awake at night.