Over the last few weeks, actually since the crap
he pulled with the first payment, I have noticed a change in me,
It seemed to me I am more negative, more down, more struggling.

I wondered what the heck is happening, I should be getting stronger, not weaker, I should be rebuilding not breaking down.

Last night, over a family matter, I had a disagreement with one of my other siblings, obviously not, my best sister, I asked her to give me help with the household chores in my parents house, as they need help.

Now, I do realise this is supposed to be about his mid life and my crisis, but I guess this crisis is not helped for me by his mid life.

So in the heel of the hunt anyway, this other sister does not want to help because my mam is hard work, she is ill and contrary.

I told her even one day every third week, we all could share it out.
She said if mam shouts at she is refusing to do it. Now of course mam is going to shout at her, we all have to put up with that.

I told her, the way things were with me, I work a three day on three day off week, I needed help, I couldnt manage, she looked my square in the eye, and said you are not the only one with problems in your life.

I told her if she wouldnt help me, then she could f..k off!, so she got her bag and she left.

After much ranting and raving and crying, realisation dawned on me, I now have a name for what I have been feeling for the last three weeks, and never before have I really experienced the true meaning of this word until last night.

OVERWHELMED!!

I am totally overwhelmed by all the shit going on in my life, and its not nice, its not a warm and awesome feeling, its lonely it desolate and its awful, but at least now I know what the heck it is.

Tomorrow, I am going to do something about it, today I am going to wallow!