His story is very simple, I cannot afford what we agreed to pay, this month, I will try and pay the agreed payments for the following month as it is changing to weekly payments and I should be able to manage that.

Should be,

It amazes me the attitude of this man, who shared my life, my love, my family, and yes my bed, these are his kids, and they need a roof over their heads, does he think I have a camen island bank account out there somewhere, a stash of money, that I had been putting to one side for the day he fecked off and left me, perhaps,because he must have been planning to leave us, he thinks I had made plans myself for the just in case.

I have no idea what the heck he thinks about my finances and I dont really care, because alls I know is when he left me short, he did exactly that, he left me short, I had to at a weeks notice, find 200euros to pay the difference of what he was supposed to pay, and it hurt the bank account, Christmas is coming my son has a 21st birthday in the new year and Im so afraid for my future, and how will I manage if he continues to default, and I think he will.

In our past, the only thing I did not trust this man with was money, he was useless at paying bills, I always took control of that end of things, there would always be something he would need cash for and the bills were put to one side if it was left to him.

For the first time in our married life, we were meeting bills on time, there was always a little something in the bank, little but something, and now that security was all gone and worse because I didnt know what the next week held for me, will he pay or will he not, sometimes when I doubt myself (believe me I regularly doubt myself now), I think I must be some major bitch to have this type of return in life, the distress, the worry, the fear, and yeah the abandonment, sometimes it just overwhelms me, and yeah life is so not fair.

I do of course understand that there are people out there much much worse off than me, and I see people dealing with physical illness, hardship, and pain and I know that I should be glad Im not dealing with their troubles, but some of my philosophy in life has been that while I acknowledge other peoples troubles and tragedies, when I close the door at night and turn off the light,
it is my troubles,
my sadness at the mess my life is in
that keeps me awake at night.