What wrecks my head in all of this, and I mean really wrecks my head,
is how come when he is such a shit,
and he gives me such a hard miserable time,
How come I wake up this sunday morning and I miss him.

Firstly WHY IN THE NAME OF GOD, would I miss him
he is over there with whore, certainly NOT missing me,
but there it is, I am here in my bed with my 13year old asleep
beside me, and I feel lonely and lost.

In what ways I miss him are very simple,
I miss him as a husband,
as the father to my children,
as a lover,
as my partner,
as my helper,
as my friend.

These are all the things I thought we had together, for 24 years,
Well husband for 23, father for 20.5, but the rest for 24 years.
Well I guess I dont know for him how long he was those things to me really,
and how long or how many years he was pretending, lying whichever.

I was recently having a chat with my brother, we were doing some work,
in Mam and Dad's, We were just chinwagging, nothing in particular, and 15 times
during that chat, I called my brother, His (my ex) name,
it was frigging annoying to both of us, I think my brother,
didnt know whether it was delibrate or not,
most definitely not, and it happens sometimes.

I guess they are miss you moments too.

Im figuring these are perfectly normal reactions,
and when they happen, they do sadden me,
not to a wailing widow, but a deep down in the pits
of my soul sadness.

On the opposite side of all of this, the question,
would you take him back, always always remains the
dettol dipped,and rolled in gold answer, no never not a hope,
and that is pretty much the crux of my life, about him
not a hope.