Well I had a lovely time today,
NOT.

My husband or should I say ex, finally told me,
shouted at me that he hates me,
HATES ME!!

I will admit that he was very stressed at the time,
things were not going his way,
he didnt like hearing that, it was not right
he had sent me nasty emails, that he had indeed left me short
of the agreed amount, Oct end.
Like all this is news to him amazes me.


So he lost the plot, and was quite vicious, and agitated, when he
leaned over and told me he hates me,hates me. Of course the bitch rose in me,
and I told him it was no surprise to me that he felt that way, because
he had lied and cheated on me for two years, it was hardly love and compassion
he was feeling for me. I told him, he should be ashamed of himself that despite
what he had done to me, I did not hate him.

The mediator was not happy, god help her, I wonder where we her worst
cases, (nightmare) the strain of our mediation must be horrendous.
I know it was for me.

We had a few bad moments,
another shitty thing he did was to point at me,
quite vigorously and shout at me
that it was all my fault anyway, my fault my fault.
What a sap (I seem to be liking this word in relation to him lately.)

I of course, seen that one coming,
more and more in our communications he has told me it was my fault,
but that doesnt wash with me, and I will never accept it, ever.

If only he had told me,back then,
it was him who had the feelings of not loving me,of wanting something
more from me,
If only.

My world is full of if only at the moment,

If only he had told me, how he was really feeling
If only he had never gone there,
If only he had resisted whore,
If only he had chosen me, our children,
If only he had more thoughts for us,
If only he had loved us enough
If only he had shown remorse
If only he had seen the error of his ways
If only he had manned up, and accepted responsibility
If only he had done one of these things, it would have helped.
If only, If only.

I wish I could afford to tell him, F off, I dont need your money, we can manage,
but of course we can't, I can't

Today I had another classic example, of his lack of responsibility with
money issues.
He had told our daughter weeks ago
she could go on a school trip, that I had said I didnt think we could afford,
He said he would pay the first 100, I would agree to pay the second 150,
and he would pay the last 150, so she could go.
It is due this week, he is off to whore valley,
so I needed him to pay up, she rang him to remind him,
and he said he would have it today,
he gave me 100, said that was all he had
anyway why should he pay the extra 50. Why indeed?
So when I came home and she asked did he pay, what did I tell her,
what do you think, I told her yes, he paid,
its not her fault,
I dont want her to feel like its her fault, I got stuck, and anyway,
maybe he is right, I should only expect him to pay half, I should be glad,
he paid half. It just maddened me, that he did that, I would rather he had said
no mam is right, we have alot on, its too near christmas, blah blah, but he didnt
so there it is, sure I'll be grand, I ll be grand.