I havent seen or heard from him since christmas eve,
I dont think that has been a bad thing, As hard as it was,
I survived it and resisted the urge to text him,
and he returned the favour.

I think this is were we have to be at now,
there is no more us anymore, and it is only prolonging
the agony to keep these text, talks whatever going on.

I suppose it will have to be only about the kids now,
their wants and their needs, I hope he pays what he agreed
every month and we just get on with our individual lives.

I am very sad about the whole thing, but I guess neither of us
want to go back, him because he was unhappy, and me because he made
me unhappier than I ever thought was possible.

I still have so many regrets, and they are mostly his actions, and his
decisions, that I regret, because, I think if he had let me understand where he
was at, before he cheated on me with whore,
I would have tried harder, maybe even changed,
although, I'm still not agreeing it was me who needed to change,
but I understand that he was not happy with who I was now,
but without ever giving me the opportunity to resolve
his problems with me, and how he felt I was disregarding him,
without this opportunity,
how could I have known?
how could I have seen, this hole that he was digging
for our life together, to be buried in.

I feel now that this is what is, for us, a difficult life,
we have a connection with our three children which means there
will always be an us with them, for them, its just hard to grasp
that there will no more be an us, for us, I know that there hasn't been
an us for him, well internally for the most part to him for a long time,
I guess its me really that has the hardest time with the separation, because
I was still in the relationship, I was the happy married woman, (the fool)

I have been a fool, is it because he fooled me, or I fooled myself,
I dont know,
I guess it depends who you ask,
him or me.
To him I was fooling myself,
I didnt want to see the signs.
To me he fooled me,
he deliberately hid those signs from me,
his secret phone, was exactly that a secret,
his affair also was a secret.
When he went there, he came home with presents,
he kissed me and held me, and we did talk about future plans,
he told me he missed me and the kids,
to me there where no signs.

But I do see now, who I see, now that I dont know,
this man is a stranger to me, he is mean and selfish,
self centered and arrogant, and none of this I recognise as the
man I knew and loved and I don't even like this man.

I suppose I am lamenting someone that is no longer there, maybe it
was the years of pretence and lies, that has made him into who he now is,
or maybe he was always that man, and the years of pretence where the ones
before the affair, not now, who knows, who cares, its all irrelevant now anyway,

I just need to get on with my life, whatever it brings, without him.
thats how it is, thats where I am at.

New day, New dawn, Roll on New year.
M