Sometimes thoughts just strike me,
you know you are just sitting there and an idea comes,
not mend bending stuff like Newton or anything like that,
just off the wall but eye opening thoughts.

Yesterday in my concentrate very hard to recover efforts,
one of these thoughts came to me.
Which upsets me the most which is worse?
the fact that he choses not to pay,
or the fact that he choses to go to whore again.

Of course they are both bad, but I remember when he went and
managed to pay the whole month also, as bad as it was that he
went the fact that he paid, kinda made it easier to bear, like
he had took care of us first, then went, but this time with the weekly payments, he showed again where his priorities lay, and unfortunately it wasnt with us.

Now I am aware that when I say us, I should say them, the kids,
but I guess it is the poor me syndrome and I include myself with them,
and I think so does he, but for the opposite reason, because he always says he has to pay me, I get the money to do what I want with! there is that word again, sap, however when he leave me short, in truth he is leaving his kids short also.

Then I have the question, when he leaves me short and doesnt go to whore, how does that compare, of course that hasn't happened, because when he is
not going to whore, he is paying on time.

Unfortunately his trips there are getting more and more frequent, she must be pressurising him for more of him, now she knows he chose whore.
I will of course be following this thought with the word BITCH.

Although at the moment I dont hate him,
my feelings for him are still sucked away
somewhere in that frigging great hole in my chest.
For whore there is no such problem,
yeah I HATE WHORE, with every bone, every breath,every moment,
and its not hard at all, now that shouldn't surprise me,
but it does, why?
because behind this hard nosed me, is the logical me,
the real me, the deep down sensible, understanding me,
that knows it was him who cheated and him who is ultimately responsible, but that me seems to have departed where she is concerned,
and you know what
the hate for whore, sits very comfortable with me right now.

Scary, huh.