Its christmas eve, well its like 12.45am christmas day, to me its nighttime
I was working for the first half of the day,
and the deal was he had them for the day,
he was giving them their christmas gifts or
as we called it his santa,
Yeah yeah they are to big for santa, but hey
I wouldnt mind a bit of santa myself, so how can they
be to old.

They arrived back here at six, he came in, I offered
him coffee, he accepted and we were polite, I asked him
why they were back so early, he said we had nowhere to go,
His rent on the house was finished and he wasnt staying in the new place til he
gets back from whore valley in Jan, he was crashing at a mates house,
so they came here,
I said nothing, but jesus how hard was that, he was there
at the kitchen table on christmas eve,
I was preparing the dinner for tomorrow,
and it was something he always did, and he was there,
looking at me, I dont know whether he was punishing me punishing him,
or just oblivious to the hurt and pain, the overwhelming sense of loss, that
befell me.
I got the girls to go into the sitting room, put on a film on the big
tv and sit in comfort,with him, it meant I could close the door, on them, and pretend
I was still home alone, just getting ready for tomorrow,
after awhile, I went upstairs to lie down, I was tired,
I hadnt slept well, and I was working the three days, but I
didnt want to be like a drama queen, if you know what I mean,
so after about half an hour,
I went back down and tided more,
I had spoke to my best sister on the phone, she was horrified he had come in,
thought he was cruel, but to be honest,
I dont think he even thought of my feelings at the time,
he just brought them home, probably knowing that
it was were they should be on christmas eve,
were we all should be, but as I've already said, that was the past.

He stayed until nine, the film was over, and he went,
I do know he was affected by it,
I saw it in him, I think he saw I was affected also, but
what do I really know about him or his feelings anymore.

I am saddened by the whole thing, but I am back in survival mode,
this is the result of the choices he made, the choices I've made,
and whilst it is important to acknowledge the pain and hurt I'm in,
its important to acknowledge that it is how it is now, but will probably
not always be so, the human condition is to adapt to ones surroundings and
adjust, accept, and grow strong enough to do more than just survive, to move on,
I guess that will be my next step, grow stronger, move on.

The snow is still out, and I am still loving it, I just see the beauty of
it, I never knew that I would love looking at it, but I do, I still wouldnt fancy
a skiing holiday, but its great to have a white christmas, fresh and new, each day.
Thats what I'm going for fresh and new.
New dawn, new day, new life.

Merry Christmas.