Sometimes I think I will never learn,
Yesterday was a stupid me day after all,
I had been bolstered by the few goods days,
by the fact that I had brought the kids to him last week,
I felt that maybe it was possible that although things were bad,
things were settling, this time, he had made the weekly payments,
the mortgage was paid, christmas was coming, the kids and I had
fun, and although life was not what I had wanted, I was hanging in there,
we were getting on with it.

So I texted him, that when I was off next week, we could meet, and talk about
christmas and what the new year was to bring for us.
Now as his family mobile was cut off, because he didnt pay that bill, he called me from
his house phone, I told him to get his phone unlocked and put a new sim card in, of course he hadnt thought of that, but those where the sensible things and I used to keep his head on straight for those things. Well to be honest his bill would have been paid if he was here.

Anyway we agreed to meet tuesday, that was fine, I was trying to end the conversation and he says, Oh by the way, look, I wont be able to pay the weekly money this week, but dont worry, I'll catch up by month end all the money due will be in.

Oh jesus, my heart fell to the floor, and all the propping up and goodwill that had built inside me over the last week, disappeared, I was back at scared shitless.
Look he goes, dont panic, you have my word, I will catch up.
HIS WORD, sure how the hell does that help me, sure I know he is a lying cheating git,
why would he think that his word would reassure me.

Of course I know that he is off again to whore valley, next thursday, for his usual
ration trip, so does that mean he wont pay next week either, he will catch up he says,
look we will talk on tuesday.

Why am I such a fool, Why do I keep letting myself recover a bit, I should just
stay at the I'm f---ed level, accept that this horrible time for me is not going to
get better as long as I have to rely on the financial support of this rotten man,
and that is what he is a rotten man.

Of course I was crying when I hung up, he thinks I should just understand that he
needs his life, and maybe I should, but my concern is us four, his concern is him
one, only one, well maybe two, maybe whore is top of his list now, to be honest
I doubt it, I think he is in highlander mode still, and there is only one.

I texted him, how distressed and panicked I was, and how could he do that,
when christmas was so close and he must have known I was trying to get presents sorted
for the kids, I asked him why did he keep putting us last.

There has been no reply from him, he does not care,
When am I going to cop myself on. I have said before he is a stupid man,
I guess its time I realised that it is I who is the stupid one.
I think that he has the morals that I live by, when the truth is he has no morals
how much more proof do I need.
My dad has told me before that g has no moral fibre, he is right.

Even it he does pay up and catch up, the fact that he has put me through this
all over again, he knows my fear, that we would lose our home, but to do it at christmas
so I am afraid to buy extra gifts, for the kids, when I was trying to prove to them
that we could still have nice times.

I usually say, shame on him, but he has no shame,
shame on me, that I was daft enough to give him the grace of
doing the right thing by his kids, by me.
Shame on me.