Thursday was my horriblest day, in a very long time,
It actually started Wednesday night, I had that stinking head cold,
so I went to bed after tea, and had an aul mope,
My youngest came up for a snuggle, and she wanted to put on a dvd
it was called its complicated, and it was to say the least not a good idea.

We were twenty minutes into the film, and I was sitting there with tears streaming down my face, and I had to ask her to turn it off, as I couldnt take anymore of the film.

I felt so bad, that I couldnt hide these stupid tears from her, and she felt so bad, because I was crying, why oh why do these soppy moments overtake me at the worst possible times. These worse possible times for me are when the kids are around, I absolutely hate them seeing me like that, if feels so wrong, they are kids.

The next morning they went to school, and because I was miserable, the worry of the money for christmas, and him gone to whore valley drove me mental, so of course I texted him.

"Just for your information, the 300 euro I told you, I had saved in the bank has just gone as I had to order more oil, I have not bought our son his christmas gift yet, or paid anything else towards his 21st. I only have my wages to get christmas on. So I'm UNfortunately relying on you to make the agreed payment. Please do, and dont leave me short. God help me I never thought I would have to beg and plead with you to support our kids, Look what you have done".

He replied shortly afterwards

"Money went in last nite"

I nearly fell off the chair, I had checked before I went to bed, and there had been nothing, so I figured he wasnt paying anything this week either, as he had said it would be months end before he paid.

I looked in the bank and yes this weeks money was in that was a relief, because it looks like he will only have to make up last week, Another poor me moment ensued, why does he do that, and at christmas, of course he doesnt care it christmas, only for him. I am a pain in his ass, and of course his wallet.

So I was relieved, did I leave it that, did I heck, I was in megga sorry for me mode now.
Picture this, Im sitting there, sniffing, snotting, blowing, tears streaming down my face texting like a demented fool.

"You think you could have told me you paid this week, you have no idea have you.
The hurt and distress I am in. To be afraid to buy a f.cking present for our son. How do you switch off. I am sitting here bawling and you are over there with your whore and you dont give a f.ck about what you have done and what you are doing.WHY

His reply, so sweet so caring, "I told you last week, it would go in today."

My reply "Forget it. Its all about the money.
Ignore my pain.
Have a horrible time,
you deserve whore and she deserves you".

I guess thats exactly what he did. Forget it,
like he managed to forget us every other time he went there, why should this one be any different, the problem is I needed to be the one to do the forgetting,
forget about whore, forget him.
Cop on, that is what I need to do,
recognising this is all well and dandy,
doing it, thats what Im struggling with.