So, the mediation had started, every week we went there and each one was so distressing, imagine I sat there when he said how the marriage had been failing for years, that he had been so unhappy for four years and that I knew all the time that he was unhappy as he had told me so. 

Now about 8 months before the split, he told me that he thought I didnt love him anymore, that I didnt want to be with him anymore, that I never went out when he wanted me too, and he felt like a machine an atm, sitting in the corner.
 I remember this day, because I felt so awful that he felt like that, I told him I loved him, I wanted to be with him, I wanted to spend my whole life, with him, and that we would retire to sunny spain and enjoy being together forever.  I told him that I was so tired all the time, I was worried that I might have a serious illness because I was having problems in my stomach, but that I was getting it checked, and with my 3 twelve hour shifts at work, I was tired afterwards, things were hard, My mam and dad were not well, and because we live so close, on the same street actually, I spent alot of time with them,  I loved them and they were old, they both loved him, thought he was great, my dad regarded him as a mate.
I told him all of this, and told the mediator about this conversation, told her that if he had said that he thought he didnt love me, he didnt want to be with me, maybe I would have agreed that I knew our marriage was in trouble but because he had put it the way he did, I thought I had reassured him.
His reply was he said it to me on a few occassions, I just brushed him off with its all in your head.
So the mediator says, that because of these conversations I must acknowledge that there was problems in the marriage, and he had made me aware of it.  (I wonder has he got hypnotic powers over women),
I was not impressed, but  acknowledged and accepted that he felt like that, and then spoilt it all by saying, I however did not understand that and he knew that I did not understand that, and then made it sound worse and me feel better, out I come with "but he was riding whore then anyway"
Sometimes it is good to watch a vein almost pop in someones eyeball, it was that day.  I was not going to take the blame for this, our marriage ended the day I found that phone, because I would never accept infidelity and I told him that from day one 24 years ago, so it was not news to him. 
The hardest thing was his complete approach to it that it was my fault that he had been so unhappy.
Shame on him.

I have days where it is absolutely nothing to do with him, or whore, and although they were few and far between in the beginning, they are getting more frequent as the months whizz in.

One of those days, was the flora mini marathon a day really about women, raising awareness and funds for their favorite charity, so for the first time ever I had planned to do it, and I stuck to that, I had been training with a friend who did it every year, now she was a great walker, but had patience with me and we had been building up a reasonable speed for me, however, the chest infection that had caused me to be at home on that first fateful phone finding day, had bunched all that.  I was sucking on an inhaler like it was Gods holy wine.  I knew that I wouldnt be able to keep up with them so I asked an old friend who had just returned from USA, as a newly divorced unhappy woman, turns out he had his midlife crisis just before mine had his.

Anyway she agreed, and came with me, she had a number and all, as one of the group I registered with had dropped out, so she would get her medal if we completed. I knew we would complete it was 10k but we were gonna take our time and enjoy the craic.

At the start of point the lori lynn foundation which we were raising funds for gave me a hat, thank god for it because the heavens opened and it rained for most of the entire walk, I actually walked 10k wearing a black plastic bag, and the water just ran down me, down my face and even my knickers were wet, what a joyful day, however, one good thing was we walked it quicker, actually a good time I thought, because we did it in just under two hours.

My mate had had two cups of tea before the start and we were about 3 k in when she decided she needed to pee, so we were gonna stop at the next block of portaloos, we got there and the queue was massive, ah Im grand she says, go on til the next one, when we got to the next one it was lashing and the queue was even bigger, I looked at her she says keep going, so we did, It was hilarious each one we came to she just waved me on, my sister who was doing it also, texted me to say she had peed in the bushes over near the flyover, but then she is in the army, well used to roughing it that one!

So we know now, we are going all the way, no pee stop, so the finish line is approaching I says to my mate, when we cross this line, we can be profound and say come on the world, yeah great idea she says, and we take on a great stride, get to finish line, we joined hands raised them up high and shout out to all, well I say come on the world, and my mate says "hold on the world Im coming".  Brilliant!

It was a very soul filling moment, and although it didnt last long, it felt good, to be doing something that empowered me, that made me feel good about being me again, and I had laughed naturally for the first time in two months.  Thank god for that, I am alive.

So the pretence is over for the time being, All the efforts are on getting the payments down, the main problem I guess was the high cost of our mortgage, and there is no denying that it was high, he had paid so far but the pressure was getting to him, he wanted to move into a place of his own, things were not nice for him in his mams his brother  lived there with her and to be quite honest I wouldnt want to live with them, they were kinda loopey,
His brother walks in wet grass without shoes on to dispel any electricity that has built up in his body every so often, and he writes poetry, he is the most immature mature student I have yet had the misfortune to meet, but right at this moment in time he now looked like the better brother.
So the pressure was on for me to reduce payments to a interest only mortgage, we finally had got our first mediation meeting, and the mediator felt that for a year it may be the only way forward for us, so dammit I agreed to apply for the mortgage interest only.  This means that we pay nothing off the capital owed on the house only what was the interest charge, but it was better than a default payment.
The thing is lots of people at the moment are on interest only, because of the recession, but it was hard to accept that we were in the position that we could and should have been continuing to pay our way, and secure the assets we had for our kids and our future, but of course that future was no more and now i had to concentrate on securing our present, that I wouldnt be in a panic every month end if he would pay or not pay the mortgage, I couldnt manage on my own, so once again he controlled my destiny, and the decisions he made changed all that was me and mine.

So here is one of the texts from him that i saved, it was after the events of the last blog, and id asked him to leave me alone


"No problem, Im only trying to talk to you, cause when we're face 2 face u wont listen to anything. As the song goes "its all about you", Im not continuing like this much longer, thats a certainty"

And so the real man stood up showed me who and what he was, and where he wanted to be, and I was glad that I had found out about him and his lies, and that he no longer cared about me, there was no us, probably hadnt been for a long time for him, and he still regarded it as mostly my fault because I had pushed him away, made him feel like a machine stuck in a corner.  Wonder what he thought he was making me feel like now, but I think he was like the highlander, "There can be only one", and he was the only one.......

So there it is, his possibility for a reconcilation, put out there, did I think he meant it, or was he running scared, he had gone over there full of the promises of life, and found the same thing over there a woman with questions, especially since I had texted whore and put  the picture about the relationship he had with his wife, no loveless, sexless marraige, a real live voice full of tears at the end of the phone is a bit harder to discount than whatever bullshit he had fed whore that she was willing to believe, in regards to that although  I think that she knew exactly what type of life he had here, she just wanted him anyway,(bitch).

Anyway, I really didnt think that I would ever be able to forgive him, but I just kept the I dont know line up, because I didnt really know, but I doubted it. a week of how are you, and is everything ok with you went by, and then it was mortgage week and his pocket felt the pinch. 

The poor me texts started again, Im lonely, Im sad, I cannot live like this, I have no money, I wont be able to pay all the mortgage, Im so unhappy. Now dont get confused  this these texts came from him to me, not the other way round,
the misery was increasing for him and the grass started to shine greener from the foreign lands again.

So I texted her, what he had told me, said I hadnt decided what to do yet, told her again what she had done and the pain she had caused, it was a bit difficult to do this, I didnt know that you could block mobile numbers from a network, or that you could block individual phone numbers from sending you a message, nothing from o2 would deliver and the calls wouldnt go in, so I hunted down an vodafone phone and it delivered. Good!!

He was not a happy bunny about that one, said no one could influnce his decision but him, and did I get it, and when I would I cop on, this couldnt go on much longer he couldnt go on much longer he couldnt live like this, so what did the nasty in me say, in the most sincere voice possible, sometimes I still cant believe I said it to him "Well die then".

Okay I accept that was an awful thing to say, but to me what had happened was worse than him dying on me, at least then I would have lamented him, told the world I had lost my one true love, and paid the mortgage with the life assurance policy, and you know what they say hell hath no fury, and at that moment and time I was furious......

Okay he is over there with whore, do i just forget about him, move on with my life, or do i sit and cry, spend sleepless nights and stressed days, wondering and knowing at the same time exactly what he is doing,
well the latter of course.
I suppose I was like the walking wounded, I know that it was a miserable time for me, amongst the many miserable times since all this happened, we are five weeks into it now, why wasnt it getting easier?

So the wanderer returns, and what do I do, I text him and tell him I want to talk, I want to find out what is going to happen to the future, his flight does not get in until 12.30am and he arrives at the house at 1am ish, Am I mad in the head, most probably, but I was convinced this was the time to get him even near to the truth, what he had said to me before he went was exactly what he meant that day, how he had fallen out of love with me and where he wanted to be, he had been full of what the future could be for him, his new start in life, his time..

Up he comes anyway, and sits down, I think he was weirded out by the fact that I had asked him up at that hour, he seemed rattled, so I asked him what were his plans, what was going on.
To say I was blown away by his response would be an understatement beyond all understatements!
He held out his hands, and said " Im so sorry, I have hurt you, I was wrong, I want to come back, I never meant any of those things I said last week, I was just upset and confused".

I listened to this, I think the shock faded somewhere in the I want to come back comment, to be replaced with the cynic in me, and in my most sarcastic tone (which is pretty sarcy I may add), I said she must have given you the bums rush then. Imagine that he hadnt expected that, god only knows why, but he hadnt, he said quite the contrary actually, in a offended manner, which showed me he really was still on planet g. (his planet)

He says he was over there and he looked around, and he realised that this was not what he wanted, he wanted to be here with me, with the kids, that his unhappiness, was part of the humdrum of life in a rut, that he  had been looking for something that he already had, and he still wanted it. What did I think.

What did I think, jeez, that was some question, some statement and of course in my mind some bullshit. I guess I was at the stage because he had lied to me for so long about such a big thing that I dont believe a word he says, everything he does Im double guessing, but truthfully, it was the stuff he said before he went and the fact that he went that finished me, I couldnt believe that his new approach was genuine,
I figured that she had given him the no way answer, I mean she knew he was a married man, with kids, she knew we were together, maybe she had just wanted a fuck buddy, and he fell into that criteria before, but not now.

So I told him, I didnt know, that I couldnt really see us ever being back together, but who knew, maybe if he proved to me that he really did love me, maybe but it would not be easy, it could be a year or two years, at the moment it didnt seem likely but who knows what the future holds, that I had never envisage been in this position 6 weeks ago, how could I say what 6 months would be like, 1 year, 2years who knew.

I think he was disappointed with that answer, I dont understand that bit, did he think I would open my arms and say forgive me for not showing you enough attention, for making you go off with whore, please please come back to me, even as i type this i realise that is actually what he expected.

It was late, we had argued and cried and we were both wore out, I told him it was time to go, he said he would show me he meant what he said, he would prove it to me, and he left, I went to bed, but I did not sleep and I doubt he did either.....

 

Okay, so he is off on his travels, my son tells me he needs a lift to meet his girlfriend off the plane from america, guess what time he has to be there, yep, his flight leaves about 15mins before hers gets in so we are headed to the airport that morning and he is there already waiting to board to go to whore,

I couldnt leave it, no, I had to contact him, by text admittedly ,
but it was still contact, I kept the text, in fact, ive kept most of the texts between us good and bad from both of us. Anyway what the hell, here is that one ab vertaim as they say.

As I return form dropping our son at the airport knowing you are there, thrilled to be going to your mistress
I want you to know,

I wish you no happiness,
that you get to feel the pain and abject misery that betrayel and rejection brings.
That you know what its like to have your plans taken away and your life destroyed by the one you thought was truly yours.
Then maybe you get to understand where i am at this moment.
Shame on you. You are not a good man. I am truly heartborken and destroyed and you did this to me, your wife of 22.5 years,
M.

Needless to say, I got no reply.......