So the days/weeks pass, it amazes me how the world continues to revolve, and yet everything seems to have stayed exactely where it was in your life weeks ago.

My birthday, came and went, it was a nice day, I took a holiday day off work, and stayed home with the kids, my sisters came over and we had a lovely dinner, and a laugh, and the day passed grand until, about 8pm when he texted me wishing me a lovely day and a happy birthday. sure look, I guess no matter what he did it would have been wrong, but it did hurt if felt alien, and I did well and did not reply bitchely or otherwise, I just let it go.

Sometimes I manage that really well and then the other times I dont.
September is also the month of our would have been anniversary, 23years but they are no more, so I went to work and thanked god for the all ireland final busy day that he sent me.

We had a mediation the next day, I think it could have been the worse one so far, but I probably should have cancelled, as I knew it was a difficult time for me, I suppose for us, but the cynic in me doesnt see him suffering any pain about the split at all.

My dad was pretty sick by then, everyone was very worried about him, and they were doing surgery the next day to prepare him for dialysis, it was a very scary time.

Anyway the mediation went as they do awfully, and afterwards I was outside at the bus stop and he came over and I just fell apart, we had been fighting over the figure to pay for the mortgage and when we agreed, I said it didnt include the arrears we had incurred and he had to pay half, so we argured about that then, and then he agreed you know what it was 30euro a month extra, I suppose either of us could have said its such a small amount, but I guess the battle weapons where on for both of us that day.

When I was so distressed and in a state I think he must have looked with open eyes at me that moment because for some reason it clicked with him, my pain my distress and the fact it was about money which we would never have fought over, and for those moments the man I knew reappeared and told me that he would not fight about it he would sort it, I dont think I believed him really, but I accepted he said it and meant it at the time, and surpise to me, he followed through with it at the next meeting, and that pain lessened.

Does that change me towards him, no of course not, I think if he had been like that in the beginning maybe it would have helped me emotionally, but the damage was done, and when you have been dragged through a hedge backwards, its not only your hairdo thats ruined, there is a big sodding hole in the hedge too:(