One of the nights out, I've had in recent weeks, led to a very interesting discussion with a girl that I didnt really know, but was great friends with her sister.

Of course if I was great friends with her sister, she knew pretty much all of the story of my crisis and his midlife!

She asked me a question that has stayed with me for quite some time, but my answer has not changed.
Anyway, her question was quite simple,
"what if you had the chance to go back in time, still with all the knowledge you have about your life as it stands now, what would you do, if you arrive at the moment when you found the phone, you can change the results of your life now, if you want, would you put the phone away and not look at it, the past you would not know what was in the phone, and your life could continue as it was.

What would the future be, you decide, open it up, or put it down"

I didnt answer straight away, It was a really good question, and Im glad she asked me it, but even as I thought about it for a moment, the what if situation was abhorrent to me.
 " I would pick up the phone, and do exactly the same things or nearly the same things that I did that day",
she asked me had I no regrets. That, I knew, was hard to explain, that I would rather live as I was now, afraid about the money, about losing our home, about the kids and how they were struggling with their pain, of me, afraid of being alone, unwanted and unloved in my later life.

I recognise that, these are real possibility for me, but I would rather be like this, than the past me, who believed she was with a man who loved her, wanted to be with her and was working towards the future for and with her.

I do have regrets, but most of my regrets are about the choices he made not me.

I would have stayed with this guy forever, but not under any terms, I am a good person, and even though he changed, and his wants and needs changed, I deserve to be with a man, for the right reasons, not for a home, or because of how it looks to other people, not even for the kids, because I want them to know, that each person is entitled to be loved for themselves and I deserve that.

The biggest problem for me to get over of course is that he deserves that too. I did love him and want to be with him and never would have done what he did, but he did it, he did it because it was what he wanted it was who he had become.

The logic in me understands and accepts that, it was just the way he went about it I cant really deal with.

I guess the trust I had in him was my biggest problem, the fact that he tried to push the blame for the split on me, that I didnt show him enough love or time, and he was pushed away at every turn, now that is probably the bigger of the horror bigger than the lies

The lies he told me, and by god when I think of them, it amazes me that I was so gullible, so naive, so trusting

 and the fact that  I never questioned that he would go on meetings and that they would involve weekend travel, but because they were in another country, I just accepted the bull, I suppose

I made it real easy for him and whore,

too easy.