And then theres now, 12.30am friday night, and the kids are either in bed or off doing their own thing,
 and Im here and he is not coming home, and its awful, awful to be alone, unwanted discarded, where did this sadness come from and how come it snuck up on me, when I was doing so well.

I should be glad to be rid of him,  that there is no more lies or false beliefs,
that life is like the  fig roll taste buds ad  just on the tv,
crazy men doing crazy things.

And next week, Im going to a party, on my own, well with my friend and her hubby, and its the fourth party I ve been to this month, and I look good, great everyone says so, and I enjoy myself thoroughly, but dont drink too much, cause if I drink I let my guard down, and if I let it down, then I let me down, and I cry, even in front of people, and its embarassing for them, and for me, and feck it sure Im soooo strong, and sometimes Im just sick of it all,
being better off without him is not how it was suppose to be for me, for us,
and even as I write survival mode kicks in and the guard goes back up,
and I know I am better off with out him,
it just hurts