So the day of the final mediation had arrived, I knew it was going to be hard, there were some outstanding issues, well debts, that had to be dealt with.

I thought I was gonna have a battle on my hands, but to be honest I was so peed off with how things had been between us that I was digging my heels in for this one, or so I thought.

He had just returned for whore, the day before, so maybe he was loved up, or maybe it was the state of distress he had seen me in the few weeks before, but he did not, fight about the money he agreed, and we moved on to the sad bit, the finalising of the mediation, there would be no more sessions, next thing that would happen was the agreement would be drawn up ready for a solicitor to draft and then another solicitor for the other party to agree.

It seemed only right that, I would do the drafting through my solicitor and he would get his to do the agreeing and then they would submit it to the courts for legal seperation, we also agreed to split the costs 50/50, and no party had a majority cost.

Sounds all grand and mature doesnt it, well I guess it was mostly, then the mediatior asks if we have anything we want to say, he does his thanks very much for all the help, it hasnt been easy for any of us, and you have been a great help, (which in fairness was true), She says we will be sending out forms for your opinions on how it all went, and then asked me how I felt.

And the death bell tolled.

True to myself, I told her, I told her that I felt let down, that I had had to acknowledge that because we had a discussion months ago that he thought I didnt love him anymore, or that he was upset because I wouldnt go out after working a twelve hour shift with him,that I had to acknowledge our marriage had troubles, (now I know you have heard this blah blah before, but bear with me, Im running with the day), anyway, I felt hard done by because noone said to him that he was wrong to have an affair that he had done a bad thing to lie and cheat on his wife and family and that he had broken our trust our love and our marraige by his actions in carrying on the affair with whore.

The mediatior actually went, oh, I know she felt awful and pitied me, sure she was right I pitied me, but still she did not confirm that it should have been said to him, or that he should have acknowledged it. So I remained hard done by, (whats new)

I told them how lost, how sad, how heartbroken, I felt with what had happened how the stress and strain of these past few months had ripped my inner core to shreds, and that I didnt know what the future held for me, that because I went to work full time, ran a house and three kids, kept up with chores, and bills, and had a full sexual relationship with my husband and that wasnt good enough, if I had given him everything and still he wasnt satisfied, that it fell short, what did that mean for the next man to come into my life.

Then I got up and I left, and I guess that part of me is done now, and his midlife is really my crisis, and will there be much more crisis for me.

Without doubt there truly was and still is, its not probably nowhere near finished yet.

M