So the night out was good craic, and as usual when people have a few bevies, intense conversations take place, I had quite a few that night (conversation,well bevies also) and considering the fact most of the company was male, it amazed me that they were so open to reveal their feelings and thoughts to me and to them.

There was a difference in chatting with lads, and this difference really surprised me, when I chat with girls we always and I mean always get smutty, you know, the funny sex stories, we girls like to regale to each other, and there is always a relevant point to each of us, we have all been there done that. haha.

The lads didnt do that, it was really indept, about their lives, my life, and you know what it was enlightening to me, fun as well.

One guy in particular, we had a exchange of experiences, of our partners, our separations, how things came about and how things changed for us, now he had a different story because there was no other party in his split, and they had tried to make it work for each other etc.

He told me something which stayed with me all that day and I probably think about what he said at moments during my week.

He said to me that two things need to happen, two very important things, and they were vital for him (the ex) and me to move on towards an amicable or reasonable time together.

1. He had to accept full responsibilty for the marriage failing because he went elsewhere whilst still with me, and that he lied to me and our family, and that was wrong in every way.

2. I need to forgive Him.

I told this lovely nice man, that I didnt think that, that would ever happen,
and that I didnt think that either of us would ever be able to do that!

That saddened me so much.

Now this lovely man thinks that if the first one happens then in time the second one will follow, and yeah it is too soon for me, but in order to survive this horror and come out the other side in one piece the forgiveness has to come.

I wish I was the type of person to do that,

but truth is I really dont know if I am,

is it pain or am I really the callous bitch
that he seems to think I am.

I feel not.
I hope not.